Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP RecoveringinDE: Hi there Surviver, welcome to Ojar. I'm going to give you my thoughts on your post. Bear with me as I do alot of quoting here and will tell you what popped in my head immediately...
[quote"> However, she is a bit more plump and thicker than I normally like in terms of physical looks of a women. I’ve made her feel bad on occasion for eating more than me. Plus, to be frank, she doesn’t come out good in pictures as much as I would like. I am constantly in search of that good picture of her, to only be disappointed most of the time. With the many pictures I have of her, there are only a few that I like.[/quote"> (About your wife)
[quote"> Plus, there was something about her looks that attracted me to her. She has a great smile.[/quote"> (About "Dana")
You seem very focused on looks here. That is not all that a woman is. This is:
[quote"> But, her smarts, and rational mind-set brought me closer to her. In fact, I developed a lot of trust in her, which is difficult for me to normally do with people. These are the basic ingredients that brought me together with her. That brought me to be in love with her.[/quote"> (Your wife)
The above is why you fell in love with her. Beauty is not physical appearance. The most attractive person can have warts all over and that would not detract from their beauty. In this day and age people are so focused on the outside appearance you can't see what is inside.
[quote"> At the beginning, I would look at her and say, she’s got the most prettiest eyes.[/quote">
Follow your gut here. Was her eyes pretty because of the way they looked? Or because of what you saw when you looked into them? I'm a firm believer that the eyes are the window to your soul. If you like what you see there, that is who the person is. Not what you see on the outside. So she is plump. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but trying to show you that there is more to a person than their physical appearance. IMO, it is High School behavior to think looks are everything. The most beautiful person can be the worst person you would ever meet.
[quote"> I will say, my wife accepting all of this is what makes her a unique individual and special.[/quote"> (About Dana)
She is like this because she loves you and trusts that you won't betray that trust.
[quote"> In no way do I make her feel uncomfortable when Dana is around. I certainly wouldn’t because I don’t want to make Dana’s husband uncomfortable as well when I am around Dana. That wouldn’t be right. I love Dana too much.[/quote">
This tells me that you respect how Dana feels about her husband.
[quote"> I’ve had others say, Dana was my soul-mate. Who knows what a soul mate is.[/quote">
soul mate
n. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
soul mate
n : someone for whom you have a deep affinity
(Courtesy of dictionary.com)
My definition of this is someone that you share a deep bond with that you know what the other is thinking/feeling before it is expressed. Can't live without.
[quote"> She probably does because he doesn’t give her much love. I don’t think they ever had a connection. So, life for them has been a downward spiral. Looking back, that is what I see. I certainly don’t want that.[/quote"> (About your parents)
Sounds like this is what has you confused.
My suggestion is to talk to your wife. You loved her enough to marry her. It shows that you love her with your posts here. That you want to work on things and try. Sit down with your wife. Tell her how you are feeling. See what you can do. All is not lost. Just take what I have said and see if that fits in what you feel. If not, I apologize, but as stated, those were the first things that popped into my head as I was reading your posts.
((Hugs)) and Good Luck!
RiDE
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP amess: Wow, that was very thoughtful and in depth. It took a lot of courage to admit all that you did. I think you are right in that you are depressed, because you are so confused. Sometimes, marriage hits people hard, because it is so profound; it is a direct link back into your deepest feelings, and brings up a lot of childhood issues. More than any other type of relationship. You might be panicked about this, and not know it. However, what I will say is that you would be wise to get into therapy and sort this out, and talk about some of your depression to your wife. I don't think you should mention the feelings you have about her and ex girlfriends, unless you are in marital counseling. I will also say that like it or not, it might not be fair, but if you truly are not attracted to your spouse, especially in the beginning, then you're just not, and you do need that component. No one can talk you into it, not even yourself, if that is not there. Maybe with enough communication and closeness, you could begin to feel that way, but how to get that close without passion, I don't know. It seems that with your rational mind, you have followed a course in life that tells you this is what you should do, this is the right kind of job, wife, etc., without checking your emotions/feelings too closely. Even if your mother did object to your marriage. Did you feel it was time to get married, and she was there, and had wifely virtues? Because that is not enough. You are in a tough bind, and I feel for you, it must be very painful. Please get some help and explore these issues asap. Being depressed only makes it harder to sort anything out.
About the physical attraction. Try to find out if that is a real issue, or something that you have chosen to find fault with because you are so scared of having a partner. It could be that you are scared of how to do "this", of the new restrictions, of the intimacy and work. Sometimes, it can feel like a burden. It can be overwhelming.
On the other hand, if it is a real issue, sure, you can have a good sex life with your wife, but internally, you will always be searching for that passion you are missing, and somewhere down the line, you will leave for that. It is better to do that sooner than later, when the two of you are so enmeshed.
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP RecoveringinDE: I honestly don't think the answer to this is depression. If you are having confusing feelings, then that could be all it is. Just confusion. Assuming depression is not the answer. For that, you should go to you Dr and they can screen you to see if you have some of the common symptoms. I've gone through that when I was having situational depression with a horrible job that I was in. I was fine in every aspect of my life, but when she started questioning me about my job, that's where it came out.
That is why I did not use the word depression in my post. We are not Dr's here. We do not know your situation. Counceling helps yes. But that helps to get your feelings out and that also sounds like what you need.
I seem to be big in quoting from dictionary.com. But at least I'm sourcing it! *grin* Here is the definition of depression.
[quote"> de·pres·sion Audio pronunciation of "depression" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-prshn)
n.
1.
1. The act of depressing.
2. The condition of being depressed.
2. An area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow.
3. The condition of feeling sad or despondent.
4. Psychology. A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.
5.
1. A reduction in activity or force.
2. A reduction in physiological vigor or activity: a depression in respiration.
3. A lowering in amount, degree, or position.
6. Economics. A period of drastic decline in a national or international economy, characterized by decreasing business activity, falling prices, and unemployment.
7. Meteorology. A region of low barometric pressure.
8. The angular distance below the horizontal plane through the point of observation.
9. Astronomy. The angular distance of a celestial body below the horizon.
[/quote">
HTH
RiDE
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: Dear RecoveringinDE & Amess,
you two are wonderful people for taking the time out to read my long posting and give me constructive advice. My hugs go out to you two as well. I can truly say, I am the obstacle in the relationship, not Asha. She is game for anything, whether it is traveling, or intimacy.
RecoveringinDE, you are right, when I did look into her eyes, I was in love with what was behind those eyes. But, I guess, when you get used to something, you stop looking inside. I dont know, that's just a thought.
Amess mentioned that I may be the person that is so rational that I have lead my life without checking with feelings and emotions. I dont know. I mean, at the beginning, during dating, something inside of me was saying this was it. Plus, I have a lot of strong love for my close friends. It's undeniable. But, I've lost that deepness with my wife... or so I think I have lost it. But, yes, I have a tendency to overanalyze every situation and try to validate everything in my life except my mom, dad, and sister. I would like to think I am quite aware of everything going on. But, maybe there the shock of having a life partner is overwelming. To be honest, I was having these up/down feelings for a year of being engaged. But, they were affected by mom wanting us to break a part. That was something that really confused me because she never acted this way throughout my entire life. I was just guided, not forced to do or not to do anything. So, I kept questioning my actions and myself about what I was doing. Does my mom know something that I don't?
If anyone else has something more to say, I encourage you.
Thanks again.
with warm sincerity, Me :)
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: RecoveringinDE, thanks for the dictionary definition. I will write more thoughts that I have as I digest all this. Also, feel free to compare your situation with mine, if there are any similarities. I would like to return the favors if I can. Thanks
Click More for the next page.
