Re: The "Defining" Moment Jernigan: For me, there is no cataclysmic moment that harbingered the demise of my marriage, that indicated there was no turning back. When you leave a marriage or when you are left by a spouse, a kind of dissonance prevails; there is the person you knew before, and then there is the person you know now. My STBX is not the same person as she was when I proposed to her, and now that we have been separated for a while, she is every day becoming more of a distant memory. I always assumed she was part of my future, and now I assume she is part of my past. I think the act of EMOTIONALLY recoginizing this change occurs only with the passing of time. A series of stepingstones brings me closer to this awareness: taking a trip last weekend that once we planned on taking together; spending 4th of July completely alone; being asked in a job interview what my marital status was and marking down "separated;" my friends attempting to pair me with some of their woman acquaintances; receiving a wedding invitation bearing only my name; each of these events has the effect of closing the door of my marriage just a fraction of an inch further. One day, that door will be closed forever.
Re: The "Defining" Moment Brian75034: For me, it was actually before I knew about the cheating but in the back of my mind, I knew it was over.
It was when she left and ran out of the house, I was talking to her on the phone and she was telling me how I was suppose to be "chasing her to bring her back".
Sad, sad, pathetic woman.
Re: The "Defining" Moment grober: For me the defining moment came when I found out how long the affair my X was having had gone on. I'd been trying to work things out with her until that point (about 3 months). She was not really into it, but at times gave me rays of hope (she had bouts of guilt).
Basically, when I learned that this was a lengthy affair with a considerable amount of deception, lying and manipulation not a "moment of weakness" I reached a point where going back to (rebuilding) my old life/relationship and moving forward on my own (scarey as he!!) were equally as difficult. That was the turning point.
I had to make a choice to find happiness on my own, or go back and try in vain to get back a marriage that was already over. I was in a lawyer's office 2 days later.
It was the hardest decision I've ever made. Despite all the self doubt I had initally, I now know that it was the right thing to do.
Re: The "Defining" Moment JASPER: Defining moment?Where do I begin.I think it would have to be one year into our marriage when my husband woke up at 7:00am in the pretense of taking a friend to work. 15 minutes after he leaves I get a call from a woman asking to speak with my husband I tell her he is not here whos calling and she hangs up.I press the ever famous *69 and a hotel clerk answer I ask for his room and they connect me.Seems he took her to the hotel the previous night she stayed over night he came home of course because he had to and he went back to meet her again in the morning!Then comes the time he kept getting calls on his pager from someone who was using code 69 behind there number so I called back and it was some woman he had been sleeping with.Than he comes in mad because I was in his pager calling and should never of called back anyway.Next comes the time we had a fight and he packed his bag and moved in with some woman for about week.After all these defining moments it has taken me all these years to finally decide I need to move on yet and still I still haven't completly!
Re: The "Defining" Moment JimB: I've been kicking this one around for several days. Great thread, bb.
I haven't had a defining moment. And I may not ever have one. I was denied that possibility when she cut off all contact with me. Every defining moment for me has had to be self-defined, and every realization I've come to since then has to be tempered by the fact that there's no way of ever confirming it.
While there are definite emotional advantages to simply having no contact, it has robbed me of the possibility of ever having defining moments, at least regarding her and the end of our marriage. I can either stay mired in limbo and speculation, or just turn my back and move on. I choose the latter, but I have to say I don't really care for either option.
I wonder which is more painful - the brutal realization that a spouse is cheating, abusive, distant, etc., or not having that brutal realization, and just being left to wonder....
:-/
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