Re: made my bed? inebr: I thought I'd come back to this tread to comment as I had made a note to. I still feel basically the same way about getting married for the right reasons. The one thing that has changed, though, is I feel different as far as if things don't work out for us. I see that it's not AT ALL completely my responsibility*. And I feel much less shame about it and less self-blame. I see that I did the best I could and I have come to realize (a lot from this board) there are many responsible and intelligent people who find themselves in the same situation.
When we got married I think we both took a risky gamble. My risk was asking a person with strong relationship/committment problems for a lifetime committment to an intimate relationship. I don't know what his risk was, but I think there was one for him, too. I tend to think that if we would've gone through marriage counseling beforehand, if we would've had a longer engagement, a wedding, talked about things beforehand ....maybe things wouldn't be like they are now. And they probably wouldn't be, ...hmmm...
*there is still a part of me that feels like I should've made a better decision (not to marry him), not gone with my emotions so much, to have looked at the "signs" and ran the other way, etc.
Re: made my bed? atd74: To inebr,
I felt the same way - "should of ran the other way...", "shouldn't of followed my heart"... but you know what? I am a loving, selfless, giving person who could do nothing but follow my heart. I wished it didn't end up the way it did but I took a chance as you did and as we all did and lost.
Now I am a stronger person. Now I know when i see a red flag to run the other way or to tackle it up front but I don't think I can ever allow my brain to take over where love and emotions are concerned. I of course will be careful in the future but I can't help but be the loving, giving person I am deep down inside. I will never let anyone do what my ex did to me again but I won't deny someone the real me ... and I don't think you should either.
Re: made my bed? JimB: Woulda, shoulda, coulda...what's life without a little risk? As atd says, sometimes you just gotta follow your heart. The times you get burned make you appreciate all the more the times when things work out well.
Life would be pretty empty if we made all our decisions with our brains, and never involved our hearts and our instincts. BO-ring.
But thanks for using the brain to mark the calendar. :P
Re: made my bed? achingallover: Oh, inebr, I read your first entry and my heart goes so out to you! ANd I'm also very concerned at the amount of self-blame you have here. I think the bottom line is, and believe me, I say this to myself all the time when I'm taking full reponsilbity for the death of my marriage - YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD AT THE TIME!!! Hear it again and again. It's true and you know it. There are so many things that could have been different. I am constantly looking at myself and examining what I should be taking responsiblity for the in devise of my marriage. Yes, I did some stuff - but IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO BABY!!! You didn't make that man say "I do". That was his decision. You guys had equal responsiblity to the relationship - 50/50 - so you most certainly CANNOT take the blame for all of this. Also, it sounds like he is the one who quit here, and YOU most certainly CANNOT take responsibility for that. If he isn't taking this relationship seriously, you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT!! That is his choice- his problem - and if it weren't you, it would probably be another girl that he's doing this to! The really cool thing about you is you are examining what you think happened for you in this - and learning from it-and growing from it. Who knows if your stbx is doing the same thing. I feel we are exactly where we are supposed to be, doing exactly what is perfect for the moment - even though it feels so unfair and painful. I remind myself of this quite often. It sounds like you had a touch of what I have gone in and out of in my relationship with my stbx "I am gonna help him. I can make this work out with him. I'm gonna take care of him! If I just try harder, he won't go-I alone can make this relationship better!" Doesn't that sound absurd?! I have come to realize that the next relationship I am in (god that sounds wierd to write), I am going to see the person for who he is - clearly - and I am going to accept him just the way he is or I won't accept him at all. I am a good one to see "the potential in what people could be" - but what I have to keep in mind is they may not see that for themselves - my plan may not be their plan for themselves -so I must see what's in front of me and decide if this is worth the risk based upon that. I need to plan to be the best that I can be - to make myself the happiest I can be. The next mate I am with will be in charge of doing the same thing for himself - and we will enhance each other's lives, not LIVE each other's lives. I know, it's a fine line between the reality of what is in front of you and your fantasy of what "could be". This most certainly ain't easy, that's for damn sure. But, the good news is your are struggling with is. YOu are processing this - we all are - and for that I really feel like our next relationships will be healthier because of it.
Hang in there~and please try to not be so hard on yourself. Knock that little voice out of your head when it tells you this is all your fault, because is most certainly is not!
