What I've learned achingallover: Hey guys - anyone else out there feel like since your mate told you he/she wanted a divorce, you have had a crash course in yourself? By this I mean, I have learned more about myself in the past month and 1/2 (which is when he told me he wanted a divorce) than I think I have ever in my life. Like, there have been realization moments where colors looked brighter and things looked crisper. Very odd. Plus, with the up and down of the anxiety and depression, I have been having, like, emotional turrets! I have been able to see some of the things I have done in the relationship that were total defense mechinisms on my part - that weren't helpful. I am concerned that those nasty little defenses will sneak up on me again if they are not under constant surveillance. I have also learned that I am the only one who is going to take care of and take responsibility for me - which feels lonely and empowering all at the same time. I am going through a reassessement of trust, in myself and my world. I have begun drinking Earl Gray tea in the morning, as opposed to coffee. I have renewed faith in my power and stregth (at least on good days...or hours...or minutes). I am currently struggling with trying to understand the idea of being with someone and putting a picture in your head of what you think your life will be like with them and trying to fit your life into that picture. Like, is that "bad" or is that "goal setting" and "planning for your future"? There's got to be some in between I would imagine. A picture, maybe, that you are not locked into but something to shoot for. I dunno. It's hard. I'm not sure how to not have some sort of picture to get my life going in a desirable direction. But I am now afraid of creating another picture with my new life, because I am afriad of getting disappointed, ya know? Especially when I really loved the old and pine for it to have worked out. It's strange. Thoughts...comments....?
Re: What I've learned Fresca: (Fresca raises her hand)
Yep, me too. There was this sudden realization that so much of what I took for granted as facts - that my ex and I would be together forever, that he would be there for me as I was for him, that our relationship was valued by him at least as much as I valued it.
Wrong.
I realized, after the fact, that I gave up a lot of what was my individuality to make an 'us'. I'm not talking about the routine compromises of every day life, but big pieces of me that I gave up due to my ex's disdain and disinterest. I could have pursued those interests on my own, but because he did not share them, I just gave them up, and tried to share his. I thought that all recreational activities should be shared interests, and because of that I stagnated and became a pretty boring person.
I realized that certain behavior on his part was actually passive-aggresive, though I did not realize it at the time, and accepted it as 'just the way he is'.
I discovered a broad world of possibilities that I didn't realize were out there. I became so caught up in our fantasy marriage, that I forgot how much life and fun is out there, for those with the courage to take a chance. What a painful way to learn that lesson!
I have since become a whole person in my own right, and am ready to contribute my own spark of insanity to a relationship with another whole person, while we each maintain our own identities and share the adventure of life together.
I have become more spiritual, more in touch with my 'soul', who I am, my own weaknesses and strengths, and have much more confidence and faith in myself than ever before.
I am, maybe for the first time, just 'me'.
Re: What I've learned justmenow: I agree 1,000% - and couldn't have said it better. Nice to know I'm not alone in this realization.
One thing to add though - I'm getting back to who I started out being (just wiser now), which is who he fell in love with in the first place. I gave that person up in the name of marriage, which destroyed my marriage. Odd, don't you think?
Re: What I've learned grober: achingallover,
I think alot about that. If there is a silver lining to the whole divorce thing, it has been that I've rediscovered myself. With some distance from my old relationship with my X I can see that there were some not-so-healthy aspects to our relationship. Some came from her, some from me. Nothing really twisted, mind you, just enough to make the tough times a little more difficult.
The most crippling thing for me was that I tended to put my X first above all else. Anything I was interested in fell by the wayside to her pursuits, friends, interests. I lost alot of myself in that aspect of our relationship. My hobbies, friendships and even some personal goals withered while I encouraged my X to make the most of her talents and pursuits (education etc.).
Now that I'm single again, I am finding all the interesting things that I used to like to do are still there. I've learned so much about myself in the past 6 months, it is becoming hard to imagine myself in my old relationship.
[quote"> I have also learned that I am the only one who is going to take care of and take responsibility for me - which feels lonely and empowering all at the same time.[/quote">
Boy, that was perhaps the biggest turning point for me after my divorce. I'd never really been on my own. I lived with my brother in college, then met my X, moved in with her, then got married. The realization that I am alone and that I can take care of all life's little (and big) problems on my own was just as you described: lonely and empowering. As time has passed, the lonely feelings have begun to fade.
[quote"> I am currently struggling with trying to understand the idea of being with someone and putting a picture in your head of what you think your life will be like with them and trying to fit your life into that picture. Like, is that "bad" or is that "goal setting" and "planning for your future"? There's got to be some in between I would imagine.[/quote">
I think there is a balance here that we all have to find. Goal setting is definitely something everyone starts to do after a divorce. However, I feel like the danger zone is where you start planning a future relationship or goals for your future partner in a relationship. That is dangerous business because it is too easy to get an unrealistic picture in your head, then no one can live up to it.
I think many divorces today are a result of spouses being unable to live up to the "fantasy" marriage expectations some have. Goal setting is great for you as an individual, but the relationships in your future have to be made with someone, not planned before hand. For now, I'm focusing on myself and my own personal growth.
That is just my opinion, I could be wrong.
:)
Re: What I've learned JimB: Odd, except it seems to happen that way a lot.
I feel like I gave up a lot of myself for the marriage. Problem in my case was I didn't give up my interests for hers - I gave them up for nothing. I knew it was just as out of balance to move totally into her interests as it was to cling tenaciously to mine, so I just kind of ended up in limbo land. That was satisfying for neither of us.
Aching, as far as goal setting vs. clinging to an image goes, it's a fine line that we all have to draw for ourselves. I think that one of the biggest pitfalls of marriage is how as we get to know our spouses better and better, our vision for the future gets narrower and narrower. I believe our challenge is to continue to define our goals in as broad a fashion as possible. Because let's face it - there's a lot of different paths that can lead us to happiness, whether we are married or not.
I'm trying to do away with pictures of the future. My focal point now is to become the person I want to be in the present, and let the future take care of itself. I have faith that if I can achieve serenity within myself, my future is likely to be a good one. So far, it seems to be working pretty well.
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