Re: What I've learned Fresca: I have found myself in a new relationship, the first one since my divorce that I am 'present' in, as my previous post-divorce ones were, while good for me in certain ways, were also affected by my totally numbed heart. I just wasn't able to actually 'feel' much toward them, although I enjoyed their company.
So, now that my heart is beginning to thaw, I find my approach to the relationship is so different than the approach I took with my ex so long ago.
When I met my ex (keep in mind I was barely 21), the world beyond him ceased to exist. There was nothing I would rather do than be with him, and if we weren't together, I would simply do nothing. I ceased going out with my friends, choosing instead to go out with him and his. I gave up all interest in activities he wouldn't care to participate in with me, and threw myself into his own interests. I was 'crazy in love', not realizing how unhealthy it all was for me and us.
Now, with my new boyfriend (ugh - I never thought I'd be in my thirties and saying the word 'boyfriend'!), we each have our own, individual, different lives. Together, we enrich and add value to each other. For the first time, I feel comfortable revealing pieces of myself that differ dramatically from his, and I feel free to actually disagree with him, instead of changing my opinion to better align itself with his. It's liberating to be both 'me' and half of an 'us'.
I know I am a more interesting person because of it, and I think back on how I used to mold myself around my ex with embarassment. I might as well have been a barbie doll, for all the individual personality I had.
[quote"> It says that when things fall apart are when things are at their most clear and when you are most able to learn.[/quote">
I totally agree - I feel almost as if I woke up from a long nap, and now that I'm awake, the world is full of possibilities.
Re: What I've learned barelybreathing: This weekend I was around the ex due to my daughter's birthday.
I felt very much in control of me again. When he would make a convoluted statement, I was not faltered by it all. Whereas before, well.....I would have taken it so personally and to heart and would have cried and cried and cried. But this time, my feet were firmly planted and I felt like I really had control of my reigns again and GOD, it felt so good!
I have rediscovered me again, but now, I am wiser and much more refined. I hate that I had to experience this but, I am proud of the fact that I have self examined and soul searched my way through this whole crazy process.
Good thread achingallover....
BB
Re: What I've learned achingallover: Thanks, BB. If I can see the good in what is happening, then it gives me a little comfort that all of this pain isn't for nothing. And it's so awsome to be witness to everyone else's changes. It's so hard, because I'm really kinda of in the early stages of this whole thing, as I haven't yet moved out, we have our first financial mediation next Tuesday and I"m really having a hard time getting in the mindset of moving on. It's inspiring to read what people have been through and gives me hope that I will be able to some day look back on this whole mess, in the comfort of my new family, and go "wow, I had to do that to find me again - and that husband person of mine was clearly not my person for this lifetime." I don't know how long it will take me to get to you all's spot of indifference to the other person, but I REALLY look forward to getting there. I'm still in the process of trying to let go my marriage. Hopfully the learning will continue.
