Re: What I've learned achingallover: Ya, I know you all are right about the picture being a fine line. It's hard though, because of the way I've been hurt - and to the capacity that I've been hurt in this, I am having such a hard time trusting anything without a picture. Maybe it's habit, as I've had it in my head for so long that it feels completely foreign to not have it there at all. I find myself at times grappling with "oh my god, what am I gonna do?" or "who am I gonna be now?". I think it's a trust issue. I'm riddled with trust issues here. And fear...which comes from trust. I have been reading this book - When Things Fall Apart. It's a Buddhist take on pain and major change. It says that when things fall apart are when things are at their most clear and when you are most able to learn. If this divorce is any indication of that, it's absoutley true. I keep moving to different plateaus of learning. I wish my x was. His learning curve is much lower than mine. It just sometimes seems like far too much for one person to handle. Too many thoughts colliding at one point - my noodle! :o I sometimes feel like my brains are seeping out of my ears!
Re: What I've learned Video_Producer: I heard all of that from the STBX, she couldn't be herself around me, she wouldn't do things she wanted because I'd make her uncomfortable, or she'd just assume I wouldn't be comfortable there. I was and always will be "me", the same me I was before and during the marriage, it 's who she married and who she's divorcing. I will also be "me" while getting divorced, protecting myself at all costs. The problem I had was I never stopped her, she stopped herself, the things she mentioned she missed I never stopped her from doing any of them, as a matter of fact I encouraged her to do them. So did our friends, they thought some of what she said were just excuses, finding any reason to leave, she really just pulled a 180 in our marriage. What was once a yes became a "no", what was once forever was just barely a year.
Instead she ran away and filed for divorce while on a business trip. There's a part of me that wants to ask her if she's done any of the things she wouldn't do with me. But I really don't care.
-r-
Re: What I've learned achingallover: Yeh, Video, I totally understand that. I am in a similar situation where the man I was with decided to give up himself in our relationship. He is in the process of finding himself and feels he cannot do it with me around. At least thats what I speculate why he's divorcing me - really. I am a fair, loving & compassionate person, which is why this is really difficult for me. Early on in our 10 years together, we were not very nice to each other. We were kids and hadn't even realized most of our "issues". Totally developmentally appropriate. But we have grown up and it's like, he can not totally be himself in front of me - which I have been begging him to do this whole past year. I cannot understand what is so scarey about him being him in front of me. He is the one who wants the divorce and he is the one pushing - wanting me to get out of the house ASAP. It's like, he's so ashamed of what he's doing that he wants to get it over ASAP and move on. It's EASIER to do that than to work on the marriage or slow down and figure out what's going on here. I think what I have to keep remembering is that I cannot blame myself for this. I did not drive him to this - quite the contrary - as I have been pleading with him to get into couples counseling all year to figure this out and make our dynamic better. But he was too afraid. I cannot apoligize for being a strong person. It seems that I have just coupled with someone who isn't as strong as I am, and that has nothing to do with me. If he didn't choose me 10 years ago, he would have chosen someone like me because he needed someone strong so he could hide himself in their identity so he didn't have to develop his own. Why did he do that? I dunno. This identity crises sure didn't start with me. He started his belief system about himself when he was just a little guy based upon what his family and society taught him he should believe. The funny part is this man is one of the strongest and bravest men I have ever met ( after all, it takes a certain amount of bravery to even tell your mate you want a dirvorce) in so many ways - he is just, for some reason, unable or disinterested or whatever, in applying that stregth to our marriage. That I cannot change. Same with you, Video. There's the classic "you can't change someone else's behavior, only your reaction to it". This absolutely applies here. My motto for maneuvering through this is to be honest in each and every moment with myself and him. As honest as I can be. It's very frustrating, though, and very painful.
Re: What I've learned inebr: I have traditionally been the one in the relationship that was “more needy” in terms of relying on the relationship for support. I relied on him a lot too. He quickly became my best support and friend. There was something about the interaction that we had together that brought out the very best in me. It was as though he showed me what a great person I am, it was always there, but I guess it just took the love I felt from him to bring it up. I became more and more reliant on that support. But since he doesn’t like to rely on the relationship or me for anything, it made him uncomfortable to be that way. I am now figuring out how to bring that greatness ;D inside of me out on my own. This has all been a revelation for me, something I am still trying to figure out. But during this process he has pushed me away so far that I don’t know if it’s even possible to have a relationship. As well as all the trust that needs to be rebuilt. I realize that I am a different person in discovering a strength inside of me that I previously didn’t know was there. And I believe that he was the one who instigated that awareness in me and it was also his pulling away that made it a more real part of myself today. And ironic as it is, I think I am the person he would like to be with today if he could just let himself. Maybe I’m crazy when I say this.
Re: What I've learned achingallover: I don't think you're crazy AT ALL!!!
I know, the good part of times of serious crises is that you get to learn so much about yourself that you either never knew or forgot. Sounds like you have been doing exactly this! I think that's the best of possible outcomes in this type of situation. I always go back to "if we are meant to be together, we will be." It's trusting that that is the hardest part! ;)Thanks for sharing!
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