Nightmares vs. DAYmares justmenow: Ok, I'm waiting for you all to tell me I really *am* insane after this... ::)
Does anyone make up elaborate fantasies about their X. Like the one I just can't shake today is that my stbX is just going through this divorce so he can start over again with our relationship. We didn't date very long before we got married because I got pregnant about 6 months into dating, then the proposal sucked "Well, we should probably get married..." No kidding - wasn't that romantic? Nothing turned out like we wanted it to, but we worked hard and managed to live about 12 happy years together before things started to unravel.
Anyhow, back to my original point - I keep imagining that he's just going through this divorce so he can date me properly this time and "start over" with a real marriage proposal and all. I just talked to him yesterday and said something like, well, only 2 weeks until you're free of me - I'll bet that will be a big relief for you. He said "No, not necessarily" but would not elaborate. I know I'm just seeing things that aren't there because I desperately want there to be *something* left between us. I want there to be even just the slightest hope of salvaging our marriage before it becomes official on the 31st. Kind of like a "stay of execution" from the Governor.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want the marriage I *used* to have, but I want to use what I have learned on my own the past couple of months to try to fix what we had now that I know what was broken in the first place. Am I crazy? I think I'm just very mixed up today. Overly-emotional and exhausted too...
Help. :'(
Re: Nightmares vs. DAYmares achingallover: Oh, JustMe...you are not crazy! I'm totally there too! I think in the beginning he even said something to the effect, "well, maybe in a few years..if I saw her across a room..." UGH!!! DON'T SAY THAT! :-X :-X
I have these same types of fantasies. On days, it can feel like obsessive compulsive disorder! Seriously. I keep thinking, "well, if we can end this, we could start all over. Begin dating. Get to know each other as adults. CHOOSE each other this time. Re-pledge one another to each other. A wedding that would be so genuine this time!"
The sad part is NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!! you have no idea how many times I have asked tarot if this is really over! Tarot, by the way, never gives me a yes or no answer...damn it...
But, I guess these fantasies are part of the process. I guess in figureing out the story of why you came together in the first place, allows us to see potential for a second chapter. In that chapter we see all the good things about what we had with this person and all the bad things that went wrong that need to be changed. If we only had a second chance, after going through this HUGE learning experience, we could see things clearer. We could do it better. We could have the deep love and commit fully to the work on the relationship becuase we see so clearly now. God if we only had a second chance. But, at least for me, it's not gonna happen. And believe it or not, in all of this, I am seeing some things in this man that the woman I"ve become does not find desirable. I try to hold onto those as much as I can.
Stay strong, JustMe. YOu are certainly not alone in this and you are PERFECTLY NORMAL in your process, as painful and hard as it is. I have to keep reminding myself (and I have a wonderful friend who helps me) that I am right where the universe wants me to be doing the perfect thing in each moment.
Hope that helps.
steph
Re: Nightmares vs. DAYmares soulsearching: Sorry but I can't tell you that you are insane. I think you are perfectly sane to be feeling like that. I have a feeling most of us do the same thing. Some people do end up getting remarried after divorcing. My brother and his wife did. You just never know.
A few weeks ago my x's sister tells me that my x is still in love with me and that is the reason that he is so horribal to me now... ::) I don't know if this statement holds any weight since she has been known to try to stir things up and get in the middle of others lives...but, it felt somehow good hearing it. I could never take him back after everything he's done but for some reason I like the idea that he is still in love with me. Even though I know it would never work out. I still have fantasies that we are together and a family again...but that's all it is... a fantasy. I used to daydream that he would call me up and tell me to pack up because we are all going to Disney World together. In all reality we would probably fight the entire time but in my fantasy it's a happy family at Disney.
Don't feel bad..we are all in the same boat!
Re: Nightmares vs. DAYmares pisces_goddess: Well if your insane ..then I suppose we're all insane *L*
I think we all at one time or another want something to hold onto.. a thread of hope.. a fantasy.. anything... but I just dont think it works that way. I think you have become such a better person, stronger, self-reliant, independent.. & you want him to see that & maybe there is that part of you that is feeling unworthy & thinks that if you could bring that into "the" marriage then things would be so much better.. but if I remember you story correctly ..he caused you a WHOLE mess of pain which in turn made you into the great person you have become. YOu have changed but he probably has not.. Theres nothing wrong with daydreaming.. as long as you don't live there. Just my 2 cents sweetie.. for what its worth.
Re: Nightmares vs. DAYmares hurtingverymuch: You are DEFINITELY not insane! I've been there, done that, and still doing it!
As with soulsearching, spoke with my s2bx's sister yesterday, and that he told her that he still loves me, but that he needs to forgive himself for what he did, etc.
Well, there goes my imagination, on a tangent, fantasy, daydream, whatever you want to call it, with all the hope that hey, this might mean there's a possibility for a second chance for us.
Reality check! He also might have meant this to mean that he loves me as a friend, like a friend that you grew up with all thru high school and college and are still friends with today.
My heart votes for the "second chance" scenario, my head says to take the "reality check" pathway.
But like everyone has already posted, I think this is a "natural" thought and emotional process for everyone to go through. For some, it might actually work out, but for others it won't.
As with you, JMN, I wouldn't want my marriage back the way it used to be. Now that I know what was broken and how broken it really was, I crave the chance to be able to fix it.
Hurt
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