numbness amola: dear butthead,
i keep saying to myself that i'm doing fine. i do great at work (both jobs) and i'm managing to pay the bills and feed the kids without too much financial strain. ok, i admit that when i'm at home i don't keep the house as clean as i'd like to, but i get caught up with it when i have time. so on the surface, things look fine.
then you announced that you weren't going to the final hearing for our divorce next friday. i had told you at the beginning that my attorney told me that you didn't have to be there but you insisted on going. now you have no desire to go. not once throughout this separation have you made any sort of effort to reconcile. not once have you apologized for the years of emotional abuse that you put me through. not once have you apologized for anything.
yes i know that i filed and i kicked your sorry butt out on the street...only after trying to make things right. you didn't try, and that's what hurts the most right now. it's as if you didn't give a crap about me and my feelings. i always asked you how your day was....you'd answer "fine" or "sh!tty" depending on your mood, and that was it. you never asked me about my day. you thought that it was weak of me to get so attached to the people on my caseload. but you know what? maybe i got attached to them because they appreciated my efforts with their care.
and today, when i had to go to the funeral of one of those people, her family told me how much i meant to them and how they appreciated everything that i had done to help keep their mother out of a nursing home. they knew that i put my heart and soul into my job and they appreciated it. i put my heart and soul into our marriage and you didn't even notice.
i cried for only the second time in the last 2 1/2 months today. and it wasn't because of you this time. it was for the pain that i was feeling for losing someone that had become very near and dear to me in the past year and a half. but i will always remember the day that i told her that i had filed for divorce--she looked at me and through her own pain of her illness she told me "honey, you're a strong woman. you're tough. you're going to make it through this and you're going to be happy".
you know what? she was right.
i'm far from being happy right at this very moment. but i know that i'm going to get there someday. it may take a while, but i'll get there. i have alot of emotions running through me right now....i'm exhausted from the hours that i've been working, i'm sad for the loss of jeannie, i'm happy that the kids are handling things so well and that i've been able to pay the bills, i'm worried because you've been making comments about being broke and i don't want you to stop paying your bills because that will trash my credit, but most of all i'm numb. numb because it's finally hitting me that you don't care about me or our marriage. if you did, you'd fight for it.
i guess that's all for now....i'm sure that i'll think of more later, but right now my eyes hurt so badly that i'm having trouble focusing on the monitor.
i've said it before and i'll say it again....i hope that you find happiness in the future. i really do. because i do know that i am going to find it for myself. someday.
me
Re:numbness favoriteangel2003: Amola~
Time to be serious now...I feel for you and what is going on. There is nothing worse that a partner who doesn't try the way you do...I know! All you can do is stay strong and keep being you! He doesn't deserve you....someone better does. We will find it...when we are ready. You are making it and you are surviving and you are making such a wonderful difference in this world! We need more people out there like you who put their hearts into there jobs...especially where it makes a difference! :)
You will make it! Stay strong!
Angel :)
P.S. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
