To my dead wife bloke: I don't really know what to say to get your attention. I think as soon as you see this you will know it's one of my attempts to get through to you and shut it out. If that's so, then I suspect the truth is that there's nothing left to say. I so don't want that to be true. I don't know what's going on with you at all - we don't really communicate at all any more do we? Well, that's how it seems to me - I can just imagine you now saying "what are you talking about?" and looking at me like I'm being difficult for no reason, but all this is very real to me. I don't know why you dont get me, why you don't feel what I feel. I know you tried to communicate with me a couple of months ago and I appreciated it even though it tore a lump out of my heart to hear you say you don't think you love me as a wife any more. But then you sort of went back on that. Or did you. I don't know. I know you didn't say it to hurt me - but you did hurt me incredibly. You can't just say that stuff and then pretend it never happened. It doesn't mean you shouldn't have said it, but it does mean that you have to walk through the door you opened. You love me but you're not in love with me? What does that mean? If you love me why don't you notice me, why don't you help me, why don't you see that I'm dying here, why don't you try to make me feel loved. You only seem to care about you now. How do we change any of this?
I am the most unhappy I've ever been in my life. I have no idea if you love me or not - at least not in the way that I need to be loved. I thought I married someone who was going to try to make me happy, try to love and comfort me, but you're not interested in me at all any more. I give, you take. I am so terribly lonely. I have no friends, no life at all. I am sick of being broke, and that all the weight of anything like that rests on my shoulders. I am sick of being married to a woman who I find attractive - and attraction is not just physical its emotional too - but who rejects me every time I even try to kiss her. Perhaps you think I should make more romantic effort, but do you know how hard it is to try to seduce someone who has rejected you a thousand times? Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? You don't seem to care at all. I honestly think I am starting to crack up and I can't carry on like this. I've known for some time that you're not as affectionate as me, but since last Feb/Mar you've just treated me like a leper. What happened? Is there something/someone you haven't told me about? I've never thought this was the case, but lately I start to wonder why you don't want me any more or what changed? Do you have a guilty secret that is blocking everything up?
Please don't just ignore me like you usually do. Please help me. Please either be my wife or go and get on with your life without me (which is what I think you really want to do but I think leaving me would be harder than staying with me for you, so you're taking the easiest option for you) You promised to love me for ever. It doesn't matter that things have changed in your life - I believed you when you said you were marrying me forever. If you've changed your mnd at least have the decency to tell me so I know where I stand.
If I'm wrong tell me. Talk to me, tell me what's going on in your head/heart.
Please, I'm begging you to just tell me the truth even if it's something I won't like - but don't just shut me out. I'm married but I have no wife. I can't seek comfort elsewhere because I committed my heart to you for life. And lonely as I am, I don't even want anyone else.
You make feel stupid and ugly and useless, and you could change all that just by changing the way you treat me. And if you loved me, you would.
Re:To my dead wife TMPC: You expressed yourself really good in your letter. It brought me to tears and I have a huge lump in my throat because everything you are feeling I am feeling too. It is hard, when you are reaching out for someone to understand you and they dont/cant. Just remember you are not alone. Everyone here at OJAR is very supportive. I wish you the best and hope things turn around for you. By the way........are you going to give her the letter?
Re:To my dead wife bloke: TMPC, thank you. I don't think I express myself well, and I think she's immune to anything I want to say to her. I want to give her the letter but I'm struggling to find the right time to do it. I have two kids I don't want dragged into the middle of all this, so I need to find a time when she will hopefully read it, think about it and respond once she has calmed down (she has a bit of a temper).
Then there's another bit of me that thinks if I hand her this and she just ignores it and refuses to talk about it (which she has done when I've tried to talk to her about our problems in the past) then I'm going to feel worse than ever. I just don't know.
All this started last year (my story is documented on the main forum) and I am totally confused about whether we're breaking up or trying to make things work.
P.
Re:To my dead wife ChristyM: P~
This is the hardest part of divorce (or possible divorce) ... the not knowing, the constant state of limbo, the second-guessing of yourself and your relationship. Sometimes you have to force them to make a decision or else you might find yourself in this same position a month, six months or even a year from now. You cannot move forward until you know where you stand now. It may not be the answer you want, but it will be an answer and sometimes that's the first step in healing.
Your letter shows you have a lot of love to give and you deserve to be with someone that can return that love tenfold. Don't settle for anything less.
Hang in there ...
Christy
