he said he loved me jjbswest: He just left after visiting the kids but he spent almost an hour talking to me about what went wrong in our marriage. He said that he was stressed over bills, that he shouldn't have cheated, that he was disappointed in me that I didn't take a job that he wanted me to take. The reason I didn't take the job is because I love the job I already have. He said that he loved me but he didn't think it would work out because of all the above and that I had an attitude with him . (which i did sometimes but he did most of the time because i was constantly asking what is wrong) He said that I was constantly not trusting him because I ask what took so long or whatever. I said obviously I was right in asking since you were cheating. To make a long story short, I asked him to come back. I begged him to come back. I told him that I would take the other job, I would change my attitude, I would do whatever it took. He said I don't know. I have to have time to think about it and said he would call me tonite to wish me happy new years. I am just so confused with all of this. He kept saying I just don't think you will change. I just don't think it will work and I promised him that it would. What is going on? What do guys think? I love this man. I know that I am not the one in the wrong but I did probably contribute to the problems which made him do what he did. I don't want to be with anybody else. I cannot imagine life without him. I don't think he is gonna give it another try though. I would be happy just to have him in my life. But, he said he loved me....after telling me I care about you but i don't love you. which is it? does he love me or not? Does he want to be here with me or not? before he left, he held me and then when he was leaving he rubbed my stomach with his thumb, (he has always done that when he tries to make me feel better) and hugged me and left.
Re:he said he loved me jjbswest: well, he didn't call like he said he would. the kids wanted to call him so i let them but he wasn't home. his mom told me that he went out with his brother. So, he gets to go out and have fun drinking and everything and I get to stay home with kids and not do anything. He knows that too. He knows where I am and what I am doing because he knows that I have the kids. I am very upset and depressed today. His mom said maybe you two need to have a 6 month legal separation so he can get it out of his system. What a joke! Like I am gonna sit back and let him party and sleep with people until he decides he wants me back. Are they stupid?! I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of waiting for him to come back. I am tired of being alone. But, I don't know what is really in his heart. Or do I? Will I never find someone who wants the same kind of life that I want? I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to take a step backward and be hurt yet again. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of it. Please help you guys. I can't take it anymore.
Re:he said he loved me cadillacjack: Hey there, first off you're not alone, we're here for you...
The second thing is in your state of mind, you have made it more than clear that you want him back. He has cheated on you and hurt you terribly. Do you want more? His lame excuses for cheating are just that...lame excuses..there are no reasons in the world to cheat on your spouse. None, Nada, Zero. They cheat because it's about them. That simple.
You are bright and articulate, so please realize this: that if you want him back he has to want it and he has to make all the changes. By begging you are giving him way too much control Hon', and he'll burn you down with it. Focus on what you have left, your kids, your job, good friends and family. The rest will fall into place. With you sitting on the porch, wringing your hands and eating your heart out gives him control and the security that if his little tryst doesn't pan out, he can run home to you, push you around and leave again when the urge strikes him. Trust me, I rode that bus down that garden path. Don't do it. Keep posting and reading. If you want IM me or I am on AIM lots too....I hope for the best for you and all the other OJARians in the new year. God Bless Us All...
Re:he said he loved me in_search_of: CadiJack, hit it right on the head, you cannot let him continue to control you. Work on you right now, this is an opportunity to make your life YOURS. I think that many of us, started out in marriages really young, and never made our lives our own, and then we were so enmeshed that it was difficult for us to separate our life from the marriage, because that is all that we knew.
He really does have to want it, he walked away from you, don't let him continue to control you, make him work for you if he really wants that. And if not, and he really wants to be out drinking and partying it up with his friends, then well, let him, because he was not the person for you.
Not only does he want to control you, his family wants you to let this happen! They should be ashamed of him for cheating, for not having the guts to get out before he hopped off with someone else.
This is your life, you have to live it for you, and for no one else, and if you continue to let him control you then you are not living for you.
If later he wants to work on things, then you have spent this time building yourself, and will invariably be a better person for it. Make sure that he has done the same kind of work, and has grown and is willing to work on his issues for himself and for YOU!
Re:he said he loved me krunk79: Hello,
Whem my wife left, I was very busy with school and had a lot of distractions. Well now school has been out for a couple of weeks, and I've had a lot of time on my hands. I determined back when the seperation happened that no matter what, I would come out of this on the other end with dignity, self respect, and a better person. To accomplish that goal, I have spent my break reading numerous books written by different psychologists and family counselors. I am determined that if this marriage is salvageable to change whatever needs to be changed about myself to save the marriage. And if the marriage is not saved, I will be better for it later in life in my next relationship.
There are a lot of different theories about how to handle affairs and these types of situations, so you have to use discretion when taking advise--even from a "professional." However, there is one theory that truly impressed me and I think would help you out in your situation.
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