kin. i have questions. do u have answers? hardened_heart1970: hi kin i was reading your begining posts, it seems like ours are almost dead on. never told unhappy, left, call begging to try again.
i have posted the last 3 days or so, under advice neede.d is there any thing, that i can do better, to get my ex to open up. she keeps saying i gave you so many chances, why didnt you do it then.
it is better, as we talk some, and no matter what everyone says, i do not want to lose her. i admit what i done wrong, and want to show her a change. how can i show her? howd you do it?
thanks for anything, ideas or bullets.........
Re:kin. i have questions. do u have answers? Kinney26: Obviously the best thing you can do is follow up your words with actions. Don't tell you have changed and then act the old way. The one thing to remember is to be yourself, just with a few wanted changes. Don't put tooo much pressure on yourself to be perfect because you never will be and if you try you will start to crumble under your own pressure. I discovered this recently, but luckily I was able to catch myself before I fell too far. Take every time you see her or talk to her as a chance. Talk to her, laugh with her. Don't make every conversation about how much you have changed because you are just pressuring her if you do that. She needs to see the new you as much as possible without constant pressure.
Now the hard part. None of this is guaranteed. I told my ex that I was changing early on and even though part of me thought I was I really wasn't. I actually started to change about 5 months in. My ex even told me she could tell that I had changed. On halloween she told me that I seemed more at peace with myself than she had ever seen me. The thing is she still wanted nothing to do with getting back together. She wanted nothing to do with me until another woman came into my life. When she found out about this she totally freaked out. All of a sudden she was the one who kept calling me and wanting to talk to me. She is the one that set up the meeting when we decided to give it a shot. I am not necessarily saying you need to see someone else, but she didn't want anything to do with me until I started moving on. Until I finally gave up. She told me that she wasn't going to deny she had feelings for me anymore. SHe was just so scared that things would go back to how they were that she built up a hugh wall around her and I was not going to get through. It took her coming after me.
If you do get the chance be prepared for things to move very slow. There is a lot of trust to be built up on both sides and she will be very scared about you going back to the way you were. It will take much patience. I get very frustrated at times because I feel like we are not moving. According to her we are though, just very slowly. She says she thinks we can be happy together, but it will take time. Just try to change for yourself first and keep moving. If she sees you getting better and moving on she might get curious again. Sometimes things happen when you least expect them too.
I did try to respond to your other post, but I lost my connection when I tried to submit it.
I hope this gives you a little insight and remember every situation is different.
good luck
KIn
Re:kin. i have questions. do u have answers? hardened_heart1970: i also, mean, how do you talk to them, without the past coming up, and how do you go slow. what do you mean? i have had no contact for 2.5 months, and now i have talked to her almost everyday. none of the calls are initiated by her. she also met me for 5 minutes which turned out to be longer. the thing she says is
"i just dont think i can go through this again" but there is so much hesitation. i am going to bite the bullet tomoorwwo. either shes willing or to hell with it. like i told her though, at least i can look my kids in the eyes, and tell them i did everything to keep their family together and she wont, if she dont want to work at it. thanks dan
Re:kin. i have questions. do u have answers? Kinney26: It is extremely hard to talk to them without the past coming up. I still have a problem with that sometimes. I am just saying that sometimes try to just have a normal conversation with her. Small talk. Try to joke around a little. Get her to laugh and maybe she will start to feel more comfortable around you. If she just gets the normal barage of questions everytime she talks to you she might just start pulling away again. Try not to pressure her, as hard as it is. My mother in law told me this one day as advice and it is so simple yet makes so much sense: What is a person's natural instinct when they are being chased. The obvious answer is to run. I know your situation is a little different since you went for a long period without talking. I can't really relate to that part. If she is talking to you again that is good. Be yourself. Just talk to her sometimes about normal stuff and show her who you really are.
As far as going slow, I was just saying that if you do get a second chance don't expect things to just fly out of the gate. There would be a lot to rebuild and is can be frustratingly slow. Se would be the one to dictate how fast she is willing to go and trying to rush it would just hurt it if not destroy it.
Kin
Re:kin. i have questions. do u have answers? Kinney26: Also, I was reading a book a while back and it used the concept of a love bank. You make deposits and withdrawls in the love bank with everthing you do. Some small and some large. By the time you get to the stage of divorce, her love bank is in the negative and it is going to take a lot of deposits to make it positive again. Everytime you maker her laugh of feel good you are making a deposit. Evertime you pressure her or get angry with her you are making a withdrawl. That is why I say try not to pressure her a lot and just try to have normal happy chit chat. It may sound cheesy I know, but I just thought it made a little sense.
KIn
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