I might have found one answer... cadillacjack: I found this at another site and "borrowed it" to maybe help others, cuz it sure helped me. I got the old (as many here did) " I love you but not in love" speech. And after many months of searching and tring to understand it, I realized my STBXW just plain old didn't love me anymore. That's what that stupid speech means. These few paragraphs define it clearer, it's written by a guy, a lawyer actually, who has definitely seen the pain and anguish of many hurt people...
"Straight Talk About Love
I wish I had a nickel for every divorcing couple in which the leaver has "reassured" their spouse: "I still love you; it's just that I'm not in love with you." I call this the ILYBINIL chorus (don't worry, I can't pronounce it either).
C'mon, get real. Love is a verb. You love or you don't. If you love me, good; let's get to work and save our marriage. If you don't, I'll have to accept that; I'll start grieving, and we can get on with our divorce. Just please, please, don't give me that "not in love" crap.
We spend entirely too much time these days analyzing and re-analyzing our feelings of love. If my concept of love depends on whether I feel in love at the moment, I'll be constantly disappointed. I'll feel good about you one day, perhaps just after we've had sex or because you said something nice about my hair. Then the next day I'll decide I don't love you, because "that spark's just not there."
On the other hand, if I come to view love not as something I feel but something I do, I then can take full responsibility for whether I love you, and I don't need any response from you. I love you because that's what I do. I love you with curlers in your hair. I love you when you're staring intently at the beer commercials between quarters of the football game on TV. I love you, purely, simply, completely. Now that's love.
So what does all this mean for divorcing couples? I think it means that if your spouse is waffling around with the ILYBINIL chorus, perhaps you'll have the nerve to demand something more definitive. It may hurt, but you're entitled to know. Once you know the real truth about your spouse's love for you, you can then decide if you're willing to hang around and hope things get better, or if you just need to begin dealing with the crud of divorce. "
Re:I might have found one answer... tyrogers: Good thoughts. I agree. Love, whether you are married or not, is a two way street. We all know that there will be times when you will have disagreements. Hey, that's a part of life. No one is perfect. What you have to fully understand/realize when you go into a relationship is "do I WANT to deal with those 'down days'?" It is so easy to divorce now. You get into an argument, you sign papers. You move on. TRUE LOVE is something that endures all....arguments, time, bad days, good days, etc. You have to take the good with the bad and try your best to make every day better.
MUCH LOVE
Tyleena ("Ty")
Re:I might have found one answer... richmds: Thats a good perspective.
I think at some point I realized love was just that and something I do and have. Whereas the STBX felt it was a spark that came and went.
So when she gave me the that speech and even came back but didnt yet dump the OM, she didnt need to say anymore. Her actions said I dont love you. And thats all I needed, and many of my feelings for her slowly faded away.
2005, time to move on and not look back.
Re:I might have found one answer... tyrogers: That's right.
2005...A New Year....A New Beginning!
Re:I might have found one answer... jjbswest: that's the line i got ILYBINIL. I didn't understand that. I said either you do or you don't. I need to know. He said there is a difference. I said then tell me what the difference is? He sat there and then he said I love you like I love the kids. I care about you. But no, I don't love you anymore. That's when I realized it's over.
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