now what ... inebr: My h left last evening to stay at a friend’s place. He says he doesn’t want to work on the marriage because he really feels that being married is not for him. But he hasn’t as of yet filed for a divorce. Before he left yesterday evening he said that he was still unsure of what he was “going to do”. Not sure what he meant by that.
He wants to keep a relationship even if we’re not married. He feels that is how we can get the best of one another, by not being married. I don’t know if that’s something I can do. I think I COULD enjoy that kind of relationship, but even before we were married I remember feeling like I was always wanting more, and like I could not let go completely and relax in the relationship. It felt a lot like most things were on his terms, …when HE wanted to do things, what he felt like doing. I don’t know if that is what I want to go back to. I take a lot of the responsibility for that, though, because I would back off to keep peace, to keep him around.
The idea of him not being in my life AT ALL is very hard for me to swallow. I don’t know if that’s what I want either.
I guess I have to think a lot about what it is I want. I want it all, maybe just like him. I want him AND the security of being married. He wants me AND the freedom of a casual relationship.
Re: now what ... JimB: Yep - having him out of your hair should give you plenty of opportunity to think.
I guarantee you'll miss him, but try to put that aside (I know, easier said than done). Remember that the things that are right about your relationship aren't your main focal point right now. Think about the things that are wrong - that FEEL wrong - and what, if anything, can be done to change them. And think about yourself, and what you want in your life. Try to distance yourself from his issues and what may or may not be going on in his head. Forget about the "him" and focus on the "us" and the "you". (IMO, that includes not taking his calls.)
And write. A lot. About whatever comes to mind. You'll be glad you did, no matter what happens. Read, too. There's tons of good book recommendations in the "which books are helping you" thread. I also like "Staying Together: A Control Theory Guide to Lasting Marriage" by William Glasser.
Separation is tough, but with a good attitude, you can make it a good thing for you. You can learn things about yourself that will benefit you regardless of what happens to your marriage. Good luck!
Re: now what ... JASPER: If you know what you want why would you even consider settling for any thing less. I also have made the mistake of trying to keep a relationship without living toghether and it sucks!Are you ready for him to date you and others as well can you except that?Can you move on with your life and let him move on with his if that is what he chooses.You say you want it all don't settle for anything less than!Don't cheat your own needs trying to pacify someone elses.
Re: now what ... grober: Hey, inebr.
I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts to what JimB said. You mentioned that the thought of not having him in your life is very hard to swallow. That is totally natural. You don't have the emotional (or even physical) distance you need to imagine a life without him. Being on your own again after years of marriage is hard to fathom and is very scarey. Remember: you don't have to have all the answers all at once. You can figure things out when your ready, at your own pace.
If you separate, make the most of it. Try to get used to the idea of yourself as an individual. The more you re-discover about yourself, the more objective you can be about your choices. Then you can weigh your feelings about your life with and without a relationship.
My X wanted the best of both worlds also. It was something I really had a problem with. I mean, how does someone go from being a spouse to being a friend in one fell swoop? That is a serious "downgrade" in respect, trust, you name it. Don't get me wrong, I was tempted. At times, I was desparate for my X to remain in my life. The thought of being alone was terrifying. But with time and distance, I realized I deserved better, and having a "friendship" of that kind could sabotage any future relationships I might have.
Maybe with some more time, I may have some kind of friendship with my X. That is something I will have to figure out when the time is right.
Best of luck.
Re: now what ... JimB:
[quote">
That is totally natural. [/quote">
Thanks for using "natural" instead of "normal". It's a much better n-word!
My crusade to get the word "normal" purged from this site continues. Please, everyone, lose that word. "Natural" is an acceptable replacement - that means it's something in human nature. "Normal" is an arbitrary standard imposed by the outside world. Nobody here is "normal", but the things we are going through are quite natural.
See, I've learned an important lesson from OJar - it's much easier to replace something with something than something with nothing! ;D
Sorry to hijack your thread, inebr. 8)
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