Jilted Bob-Bob: Hi everyone,
On june 7th 0f 2003 I met my wife's first love, he showed up on the doorstep. We all talked and I thought the guy was a pretty good guy with the exception of him telling me that his wife had passed away in a car wreck May 9th 2003, I told him I was sorry to hear that and he said "don't be I'm not" and laughed about it.
Well on june 12th my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she gave many reasons, none of which made sense totally to me but I still felt great guilt and blamed myself for our divorce,
I asked her if she would go to marriage counseling with me. and she flatly stated "no" she said "we have grown apart and there is no way of salvaging our marriage" so I went to stay at
a friends house. That night I wrote her a letter telling her that I knew there were problems within our marriage and that I knew there were problems in our marriage and that both of us had been distant and unattentive to one another but that there was just to much to throw it all away and that I had signed up for counseling for depression (I was depressed and stressed about my job) and that she should at least consider doing the same for herself ( her father passed away august of last year), since she would not consider doing it for our marriage. I also told her that I wished she would consider a seperation for some time to maybe take a breather start dating each other and rebuild the spark of our love. (the letter was 6 pages long and I will not go through all of the details here). I don't know if she ever even read it.
The next day I gave her the letter and I also found out that her first love had moved into the house ( it is her Mom's house, we were staying there while we were getting ready to buy a house) I tried not to think the immediate things everyone thinks, but decided to rent a car and follow them, he had his arm around her at one point and kissed her.
I went back to the house with the police ( the police needed to be there because I did not want anything to get out of control) that evening to get some of my stuff and to take the car ( I drive an hour to work every day and needed it, not to mention that the car is in my name)
She swore to me that she was not cheating on me and that she was not seeing this guy... I actually even believed that maybe it was all a mistake until a mutual friean told me that she had told them she was seeing the guy.
I have spent the last month and a half going through counseling and trying to keep communication open between us, she has sent me pictures that she has cut herself out of and gone to great lengths to be hurtful and spiteful.
I finally wised up and decided that I would take a different approach to this whole thing, I have called her and told her that a divorce is costly and if we fight over things it will get more costly, so if we could talk long enough to figure out what is is that we both want out of the divorce then we could flie the divorce for ourselves and I would pay for it, She has agreed and so I bought a book on how to do this ( it even included all of the forms I needed) so I wen down to the courthouse and filed 2 days ago then served her yesterday.
I am getting ready now to go back to the courthouse and file the "proof of service paperwork". they will give me the Final Hearing date today when I go. there is 30 days to have the divorce dismissed ( If she were to change her mind, but I am not sure at this point if I would even want her to) I was a good husband, I was not a great husband. She was a good wife, not a great wife, I always took care of her and lifted her up, I never understood any of what was going on.
But since all of this she has been going on the road with thisa guy ( he is a truck driver) and still swears to me that she is not seeing him or having sex with him. Even though her own mother has told me otherwise.
I am pushing forward with the divorce because I know that she want it, and I believe that at this point with all of the lies and cheating It is what I want also. She has a lot of health problems, Glaucoma, bad back, bad knees, feet problems, migranes, and vertigo. I worry consantly about her health and the fact that when we are divorced she will no longer have health insurance. but I keep reminding myself that she has made the choice to abandon our marriage for another man.
fortunatley the couseling is helping me, I had been very depressed and have lost 32 pounds in a months time ( i needed to lose wieght but I would never recommend this diet to anyone)
Thanks for listening to my story,
Bob
Re: Jilted achingallover: Hey Bob! You are in good company here, my friend! Most of us on this board have had the same experience where our mates have just "turned off". No explination - for me, I got the same lame one you did "we have just grown apart" along with "I love you like my sister". It's really quite sick and so hard to understand how someone who you loved so deeply, who you've spent a good portion of your life with can just walk away from it all. Brush you off like you are lint in thier shirt...
But, it sounds like you are doing everthing right for you. It sounds like you are staying with yourself. I too have been through the whole "blame game". Trying to figure out what I did to "drive him away." I wanted counseling for a year. I have been begging him to go, knowing we were in trouble, but for some reason, he wouldn't. We were in our own individual counseling for this past year and I was in school. We made some big personal changes and I knew all along they weren't melding together and we needed help learning how to be with each other in a new way. He was scared...or hopeless...or something. Who knows at this point.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you continue to use this site to process what's happening with you. There are some really amazing folks here with some outstanding insights. Plus, it's also nice to realize, you are not the only one who's feeling this level of pain right now.
Hang in there, Bob! We are here for you! ;)
Steph
Re: Jilted grober: Sorry things are so bad right now. With time thing will improve. It sounds like you're on the right path and are moving in a positive direction. That doesn't mean it is easy. Your feelings for your STBX will continue to get in the way. I was worried about my X for quite a while because of medical insurance etc. But remind yourself that your STBX is an ADULT and will have to take responsibility for her actions and their consequences. She will survive.
My X lied like He!! also when we separated. It hurts. I know. Try to focus on yourself, I'm sure you'll read that a lot here. But it is really the way to go.
Good luck.
Re: Jilted Bob-Bob: Well,
Here we are at day 49 or 50 and I have filed and served her... I turned in the proof of service yesterday... my counselor thanks I am doing this all out of anger and I am sure I am to an extent... of course I still worry for her, and have feelings other than the anger and frustration of it all.
I don't understand fully the way she has shut me out of her life, but we did talk for 40 minutes on the phone on tuesday...
she still will not discuss it fully with me and I am tired of the lies she is telling me... she say's she has no car( her mother told me she does) she still swears she is not seeing this guy (yet they share the same bedroom and her family has told me the truth)
When we got married we rlocated to the state she is originally from and have spent 4 years here I have grown close to her family and have spent a lot of time with them before and after all of this happened but I will be relocating back to Florida in october ( I have a better job waiting for me there) I am looking forward to being back with the family and friends I grew up with.
I would have never in a million years cheated on her and yet she has cheated on me, which in my opinion shows that she had it in her core person to be able to do it. So I feel that no matter what the reasons or excuses were this time if it were not now it would have happened later for different reasons or excuses... I refuse to say that all women are the same and I will find the women out there that is right for me... it just was not her.
.....as you can probably tell ....today is one of my angry days... who knows what tomorrow will bring? I am sure I will find out and face it as it comes, every day brings new challenges and obstacles...
Really I do care for her, I just can't help being angry that she acts like I was the worst husband on the face of the planet, when our problems were minor as relationships go, they were not worth throwing 4 years away to run to someone that she hardly even knows. but, maybe, just maybe I am wrong.
Thanks for the ears and support,
Bob
Re: Jilted achingallover: Hey Bob -
Man, you have every right to be angry. If you went back through and read some of my zinger posts! YIKES! And the things I have written in my journal about this man would make a sailor blush! Seriously! Anger comes with the territory...
Yes there are other girls out there for you. I know, I am the same way with guys. It's so hard to imagine being with another guy. Plus, It's taken me a long time to even be open to the idea that there are other guys out there in the world that are not only nice, but may be better for me. I think time and distance will allow me to really believe this. At least I tell myself that anyway.
As for her lieing...well, sounds like she has some real issues with dealing in reality. Whether the cheating would have happened now or later - either way, it sounds like she's got some serious issues to work out and she is chooseing not to do that with you. My stbx is in the same boat. He's got stuff - lots of stuff to work on - but he won't choose to do it with me or let me support him through it. Unfortunately, there is nothing either one of us can do about their choices. And I have to have faith that there is someone better for me out there. Someone more together. I mean, it is possible that our x's may never get the crap resolved in themselves that they are running away from. It is possible. Maybe this is the universe's way of saying "get out - find someone who you can have a relationship with becuase this ain't the one and won't be for a very long time!" I dunno. That's sort of how I choose to think of it. It really is out of my hands. I can only do what I can do right now, and that is take care of me the best I can. Deal with my co-dependency issues and get through school.
Ugh. This sucks, Bob, but truthfully, and you know this inside you, we are gonna be fine. We will be better than fine. The one's who may not be fine are our x's - ther runners - but that's no longer any of our business.
Take care - Friday Hugs! :)
Steph
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