I am such a mess and need help Kellyarmendariz: Hi, my name is Kelly and I am new to this, but at this point I need all the help that I can get so I would appreciate all of your input.
I am 26 years old and I am currently going through a divorce. I met my husband when I was 18 years old and we were married when I was 19. We have 2 children, ages 4 and 1. He and I have had a very rocky relationship from the beginning. He is 12 years older so he has always had a jealous streak. We fought a lot, and seemed like we had not a whole lot in common. We had really ugly, hurtful fights. We seperated once before and went to court to begin the divorce process, at that time we only had 1 child and he was 2. I found out that he and I were going to have joint custody of our child and I was devestated. I could not imagine not having my child with me every day. SO...I went back. Things were better for awhile and we had baby number 2!! Soon things were right back to the way they were. We were fighting a lot, He was possesive and jealous and controlling. We have now been seperated for almost a year. I have met someone new and we live together. This man has made me so happy. I am so in love with him. He makes me feel so loved, and we are truly the best of friends. The problem is that my ex and I are still going to court battling over custody. I know that the judge will order joint custody since that is what happened before. He is a good dad and I do not want to take the kids away from him, but I can not handle not having them with me every day. The baby is still so young and he needs me.
My ex wants to get back together and go to counseling and work things out. I think that I should do it because my boys need the both of us all of the time. I am a product of divorce myself and I had a rough childhood. I can not put my children through that. I do no want to contribut in any way to their unhappiness.
Is it worth sacrificing the true love that I have finally found to try and make a horrible marriage better. I feel so selfish that I am even thinking about it. I should just go back to my ex. It is selfish of me to not want to go back and try things because I think I have a shot at true happiness here. ANY THOUGHTS
ANY ARE WELCOME
I NEED HELP
Re:I am such a mess and need help incoherentlonghorn: Hi Kelly,
You got a few tears out of me. I married a man with characteristics similar to yours at 18. We were married for almost 10 years. He was 11.5 years older, jealous, and controlling. We have one child who was 4 when we initially separated; he is now 6. I've been in a custody battle for two years.
I considered returning to the marriage because I also wanted the best for my son. A few questions for you to think about...Do you think that you children should grow in an atmosphere with ugly hurtful fights? Is that really better for them? Do you want them to grow up and reinact the same process? Do you want to live 24 hours a day with him? Is this best for you?
I'm taking a shot in the dark here, but I couldn't help but think....what if he changes after it's over? What if I missed out? I do know you've tried returning once already and it's unlikely he will change unless he sought counseling, etc. Why do you think it would be different this time?
I do not know all of the details of your situation but you know deep down what is best for you. I also found a person whom I love dearly and who treats me like a princess. I am happier than I've ever been.
As for custody. My ex became violent with our son and after anger management and court ordered counseling he also got joint custody. Here are a few things I've learned. Most judges will do various arrangements for temporary orders...week on week off...but seldom do judges do this for final orders, hence standard custody. Something else to keep in mind, a judge decided 50/50 for our temporary orders and that was only because that's what we were doing before. However, even great dads typically get every other weekends in the end unless it is uncontested. Especially, with a child as young as 1. In the end, I wanted standard, he wanted 50/50...the judge ordered standard.
Edit - My ex refused to agree to any arrangment except for 50/50. I tried for years. It is difficult to reason with a controlling man, at least my ex. Rationalization is to this day not reality. Every interaction is a power struggle. My ex would rather get run over than agree with me on anything. Letting the court decide was the scariest part. BUT THERE IS HOPE! Please don't forget that. And I hope this doesn't apply to you, but if it does, you are not alone.
I understand how you feel in many ways and wish you the best of luck.
BIG HUGS
LL
Re:I am such a mess and need help marsha: Girl, you went back once. What makes you think things will be different? I mean, may be for a little while, but people don't change. They simply become who they really are.
I do not have any children, so this may be completely useless, but I'm not sure what's better - a loving family with a stepfather or a fighting, arguing, and unhappy family with their biological dad...
I don't think you're selfish at all. I'm not sure about this join custody stuff, I would never want to have my child away from me as well. But does it worth the abuse you have to tolerate? Do you want your children to witness screaming and arguing? I think that may be more damaging than anything...
I think I'd try to talk him into having kids on weekends or something, may be your lawyer can do that...
I truly hope things will work out, but I don't think you should give up on love!
Re:I am such a mess and need help loshyra: Kelly...
I would say no don't go back to the marriage, even if he promises to do the counseling bit. I was married to someone at 19 and we divorced after years of fighting and seperation. When I left him for the last time, my youngest (now 6 yrs old) was only 1. I had the same thoughts. Maybe I should stay with him for my kids. Maybe the counseling will help. It never did. My thoughts are that your kids should see you happy with someone that really cares for you and loves you. That is what marriage should be about...it should not be about just staying together for your kids. When your kids get older they will know the difference and will probably thank you for it. I have quite a few friends that stayed in their marriages for the kids sakes, and now their kids are married and stay in roughten marriages BECAUSE that is what their parents taught them.
The custody thing is hard and very hurtful. See if you can get him to agree on every other weekend. Even though it hurts and sucks not having the kids with you all the time...it is better then losing them. :-[
I hope that everything works out. BUT Definatly don't give up on the love. You deserve to be loved for you, and by someone that sounds so nice.
Good Luck
Loshyra
Re:I am such a mess and need help abelarde: Staying together for the sake of the kids especially after a failed reconciliation is just asking for trouble. My parents stayed together for the sake of the kids and I can’t really say it was for the best. The household just existed. There was really no feeling of family there. We all have gotten closer with age but there was many times where it was just a place to sleep. I can’t remember ever seeing my parents truly happy growing up. I often wonder how different my life would have been if my parents had gotten a divorce.
Everyone deserves happiness and your kids may not be able to understand it now but in the long run they are going to want to see their parents happy. Do you want them to believe that this is what a healthy relationship is? Just my two bits …..
Good luck and keep us posted.
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