Could someone help me understand this??? oneconfusedguy: Ok, this is probably going to be a long one....
I've been seperated from my wife of 3+ years, together for over 6 for one week now and every day things get stranger....
Here's the deal, I went into this relationship knowing that she seemed to have a two year threshold for being with the same person, she claims to have problems with getting bored, when we crested the 2 year mark we were both still very happy and decided to have a child, we did and he is wonderful, shortly there after we were married... After the birth of our son, things started to change for us sexually, she no longer initiated and though when we had sex she seemed to enjoy it foreplay all but dissappeared, we would rarely but occasionally argue about sex, however the rest of our time was literally picture perfect, everything we would do together was great...
I started to feel afer awhile that even though I would do things like buy her cards, make her breakfast in bed, you know the kinds of things you enjoy doing for someone you love that she didn't seem to appreciate or recipricate. She after many discussions informed me that she had a crush on someone she worked with and that she loved me, but but didn't feel the kind of passion we used to have, we talked about it being normal to be attracted to other people but that the important thing is that in a commited relationship is to not pursue such matters...Things seemed to get better... Then a few months later things changed again, seemed she felt the same away about a different guy at work, same conversation things got better etc...Believe it or not, it then happened again, once again we made it through....Now we are on the fourth crush, she describes it as feeling like an intense highschool crush, the guy she has a crush on is also married and has two young kids, but apparently feels the same way and is also currently seperated...
Backing up a little bit, just before Christmas she informed me that she doesn't know what to do, though she loves me and I'm her best friend, she doesn't think that she is "in love" with me any longer, I broke down, I was devestated that it had come to this, and she promised that we'd find a way to make it work....Well last week she told me that it wasn't working and she had to figure things out and was going on a sabatical, turns out she was going to talk with this guy and figure out what was up with him... Now things are just a mess, his wife wants to kill her or atleast get him fired from his job, nobody seems to know what the want and the pain is killing me, I can't imagine being without her.
That's what got us to the seperation, now things get even more confusing....
During the first two days of our seperation she would say things like "no matter what happens, I'll always love you" then she became far more inconsistant.
She called me yesterday all upset because she misses our son (we've each been staying with him two days at a time) and claimed we had to work something out because she couldn't stand to not see him, I her what she wanted to do and she said she didn't know... I asked her if she missed me and she said "not as much" to which I replied "why are calling me then" she said she didn't know and would stop... Well, that night she called so I could say goodnight to our son as usual, just a little earlier and usually I call him, we chatted for a couple of minutes and then there was a pause and she said "Jason" to which I said "yes" and she said "I love you" and I told her I loved her too...
Today she called me from work to tell me something about our dogs, something very arbitrary, I enjoyed the conversation and kept things very light... When I called my son to say goodnight, she sounded like she was on top of the world, (I've been trying to sound like I'm not letting this bother me much since we've been apart since the pathetic crying and moaning tactic I had been using wasn't working) after speaking for a few moments, I tried to dismiss myself from the conversation and she sounded put out, so I said ok then what would you like to talk about, she mentioned something again very casual and not important enough to remain on the phone with someone you didn't want to talk with, then the killer.. This time when we said our good byes, there was another pause and instead of I love you, I got goodnight, followed by the phone hanging up....
Anyone have any thoughts on any of this, cause it's killing me.
Thanks for taking the time.
Re:Could someone help me understand this??? ukchap: Dear Confused
Let me be very blunt ..
Your wife is in the process of emotionaly detaching from you .. there will be echos of her previous behaviour patterns mixed in with the new as she sets the new boundaries in her mind ..
You need to prepare for divorce .. My wife did some of the same to me .. and it is indeed a killer.
If you want try salvaging your marriage then you will need to use different tactics ...
thats my 2 eurocents worth !
UK Chap
Re:Could someone help me understand this??? Chey: Good morning Confused,
I'm afraid I'm not as good as being blunt like UK, but I do have to agree with the sentiment of what he said. Your wife is using your as her comfort blanket, you are familiar while she is walking new territory. I'm afraid her behaviour, if you let it, will be your downfall and cause you a lot of pain.
You need to come to terms with the fact that your wife is going to walk a different road from you now, and rather than be offensive you need to take charge of your future here and decide your own path. Work under the assumption that you are now seperated, and unless she wishes to go to counselling with you, then dont try and make sense of what she's doing. The yo-yo affect on you will be even more devestating.
I do wish you all the best in this...and feel free to use the people here as much as you can. Everyones story is different but within it you will find common threads of your own story all over the board.
Take care, and best of luck
Chey
Re:Could someone help me understand this??? raistlynne: I am wondering if she might be using you as a source of comfort, too. I urge you to tread carefully and try to reassemble your life around things that bring you comfort and joy. Keep conversations strictly to matters relating to your child - don't get suckered into being a friend to someone who can't be a friend to you.
