Brand new, would like some insight savingmarriage: Hi All,
Well, it feels strange to even be posting here, but I have been reading your stories and would really like your insight. My Husband and I have been together for over five years, married for one and a half of those. Right after we were married, we moved across the country for me to start law school. We had a very supportive friend and family network, and obviously losing that daily support was a struggle. We got through the first year (and generally had a great time, great relationship). Now we are both in (grad) school full time and have different schedules. The thing is that we miss eachother a lot during the day, but when we finally are both at our place at night after classes we tend to bicker. Our fights our not huge blowouts, but it has been getting consistently worse.
The reason I am posting here is that lately I have been having these thoughts - like I need to leave, what if I made a mistake, I feel smothered, I need space, etc. I think a lot of this is due to being so far away from our long term family and friends, and really missing that support network. As I read your stories, I recognize this behavior in a lot of your s2bex's, and I do not want to put my husband through that (leaving and coming back, for example, which I have not done, but I have thought about leaving, even just for a day or two to get space). Because the thing is, I am happy with him and very much love him and want to be with him. I don't want to treat him in ways that are painful for him and hurt him. I have never left or anything, but told him today that I have entertained fantasies of moving by myself to NYC or even just to get my own apartment. And we don't ever talk about "divorce", but I mentioned it yesterday, sort of as part of a larger comment, but I know it freaked him out and hurt him. I wan't threatening it, or saying that's what I wanted, but I think just even mentioning that was too drastic on my part. I can't help that I feel that way sometimes though.
So, I am wondering what people would advise when things between us are like they are now. Overall, we had been doing great, but I am terrified of going down this path of no return where we fight constantly, threaten divorce, or I leave. I don't want to do that to either of us. Luckily, I feel like things between us almost don't merit me being on this board, but I thought that maybe some advice from people who are down that path right now would be helpful in preventing us from going there.
Oh, and for a little more background - there has never been any cheating at all, abuse, etc - nothing like that. We have never been to counseling (except really basic pre-marital) individually or as a couple.
Thanks for any advice - I really appreciate it.
Re:Brand new, would like some insight MadorSad: Talk to him NOW tell him how you feel and see how he feels talk talk talk tell tell tell. You may just need a trip home or a weekend alone he may need that too.
If he is like most men he will freak but keep talking tell the truth if you need space he will understand but give it time to sink in, Honesty is a great help..
My 2 bits
MoS
Re:Brand new, would like some insight sheydp: There is a lot of work involved in making a keeping a marriage. You are right - that is even harder without a support system. You need counseling, first alone, maybe together after. You are trying to find out who you are in a world that is changing for you, and unless you can express who you are to him, you can't even give him the opportunity to fit with you. He is also changing, and that can be hard. Stressful times, and the marriage shows it, but that can also make it stronger. If you truly do love him, then truly commit! Make the commitment that you are there to stay, and you have things to work out, and that that won't be easy or even always pleasant. If you can't make that committment now, these feelings will only drive you further apart. Do you really want to be apart from him forever? Divorce, separation, it is all painful, and the relationship may never get back to true trust. Please, please go to counseling, and don't say divorce, or even separation, unless you mean it, because he will only hurt you and be defensive when what you are really looking for is for him to open up and pull you closer. Think about what you really want when you think about being apart from him, think how you could get that together, and ask for it clearly and concisely.
Re:Brand new, would like some insight :broken:: I personally think you're still in time to save what you have. There's this time in a relationship where the "bond" between two people breaks, then if you want to fix things you need to start by creating that bond again(which, as you can read all over this board, most of the time consists of insults, mean actions, and lack of respect, and that's pretty hard to repair), you still have a relationship here, you still have a marriage that looks like it's just going through hard times. Like MadorSad said, Talk Talk Talk! Don't let it slip out of your hands! Go to a counselor, talk to him, let him know how you feel, but above all things, concentrate on fixing the problem, not running out on it!
:)
Re:Brand new, would like some insight LostTeacher: communication was the biggest problem. when we finally seperated, he made it clear that it was something he had been thinking about for a long time, months even. we had just moved into a new house 3 months before our break-up, so i was devestated. but i see that he was never willing to talk about what his real problems were, and that we totally lacked in communication. he would shut down, and i would push as hard as possible, sometimes with absolutely no response. if you try to talk about it, you may find that a lot of these things that you are feeling will be resolved. but if you just keep it locked away, you might find that one day you can't take it, and you break away. try the communication before the breaking.
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