Re:This is a tough one.....opinions please hardened_heart1970: that was well said jennie cole. i think thats what messes kids up that bad is when they are pre-maturely introduced to the "other"
in my opinion, if my ex wanted the kids to say goodbye, id send a boot to someones azz. the kids have no right to be put into it, expesscioally not knowing what is going on. its no fair to them at all. and who really cares if the other has any emotional ties to the kids anyways.. like usual, just my honest opinion. my own. thanks
Re:This is a tough one.....opinions please sheydp: I disagree with some of you somewhat... I agree the kids shouldn't be introduced prematurely, but he has met - and grown to love - this other man. That advice is too late - you have to deal with the situation as it stands! I agree it would not be good to continue the contact - if only for the man's sake. It will only confuse and hurt the boy, though, if adults are taken away without the opportunity to say goodbye. You should explain it to him alone, though, so he knows you are his stability... Tell him he is loved, you will never leave, but that this man has to. Not because he doesn't love him (the boy), but because sometimes grown-ups who are not your parents have to leave. He will always have you, he will always have his daddy (no matter which house you live in) but other grown-ups may not be able to stay, no matter how much they love him. Let him say good-bye after, and expect some grief. To him, it is the same as a death to us. I am sorry, Jenni, that you went through that, but not saying good-bye doesn't make it less confusing, just more sad! I wish so much for you all!
PS. Your decisions are wonderful, in my opinion - very stabilizing, very well thought out... I am so proud of how strong and considerate you are! You are doing the right thing!
Re:This is a tough one.....opinions please Jennicole: i do not believe not saying goodbye would make it more sad. the mother should be the one to explain why it is he will not be seeing him, in a way that makes the child feel like it is not his fault. to have a moment where you have a grown man that should have never met this child trying to say goodbye to a child he does not know(6 months is not enough time to really know a child emotionally, how they will handle things etc.) well enough as to what to say. he could say things that could be damaging to that child. i am sorry that i am so opinionated about this guys. i usually am not. i try to take things from all sides before forming a biased opinion. but when it comes to a child i am always going to only think of what is best for the child. no sugar coating on that one.
Re:This is a tough one.....opinions please AloneandCold: I disagree, this is totally just IMHO.
Your son has bonded with this other man. At 4 he does not understand the mommy is with this person now she is not part. To him this is an adult who lived with you that he really likes. Not letting him say goodbye will to your child be like he simply disappeared. You can explain what happened but he will not get it I guarantee ( I have a 4 year old as well) If this other man wants to letting him say goodbye to your child will give your child a chance to know that this man still likes him, he just has to say goodbye. If you are worried he will say things (It does not seem so from your post) then just be there while he does it. I understand the view that this can be confusing because he is the boyfriend and such, but unless I am way off that is not how he sees it. As sheydp said very well, "you have to deal with the situation as it stands" it is very well to say introducing different people in the kids life when they are not long term is all good. BUT it doesn’t apply here. You son not only knows this man casually but has lived with him for a while. This man is a part of his life. IMO if the man just disappears from his life with having said nothing to him personally, no matter what you say it will look to your son like he didn’t care and just left. Nothing you say will change that perspective because actions speak so much louder then words even when you are four.
Re:This is a tough one.....opinions please sheydp: I agree with AloneandCold - 6 months is a very long time when your 4 - think about kindergarten teachers - they only have the kids part time for 9 months, many adults still remember them! Those teachers learn up to 25 kids well enough emotionally to handle many childhood upsets, why would this man be less... It is ok for him to leave your son's life - lots of grown-ups will (like teachers, or childcare workers, etc) but he should be able to say good-bye! I do agree with Jenni about who should explain though...
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