Question rsvz00: My husband and I have been married for 8yrs. For the most part it has been wonderful (for me anyway) we have had our ups and downs just like any couple. In October my husband went into business with 2 other men and moved to Florida, he comes home about every 6 weeks or so to visit. Well, it just so happens that now I am facing a divorce. Out of the blue he tells me that he is not happy and gives me the "I love you but Im not in love with you" line. I have tried to talk to him and find out when this all started and he told me that it started for him about a year ago. I was floored! I had no idea. I told him that it was very unfair to both of us that he kept those feelings to himself for so long, that he should have told me so that we could try to work on them. Instead he let them sit and fester until he couldnt take it anymore. Now when ever I ask him something, his reply is always "I dont know"......example.....What did I do to make you feel this way? "I dont know" What do YOU need to do to be happy? "I dont know".....ect
He is unsure if he wants to try to make this work, I DO want to try. He refuses to go to counseling...does not want me to go by myself either.
My question is....where is the starting point? How am I going to get him to open up to me and give me an answer other than "I dont know"? Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all.
Re:Question Shanna: Sounds to me like he isn't intrested in working on it, but doesn't want to hurt you by just saying that. He wants you to leave so it is your fault and it will relieve some of his guilt. I hope someone else has better advice than me.
Welcome to Ojar!!
Re:Question BigRunner493: rsvz00,
i was, at one time, in his position (not away from home, but emotionally the same). he knows why, either he has met someone in florida or he has gotten use to the single life he lives 6 weeks at a time. he doesn't want to hurt you, but right now, his head is clouded with what is forcing him to make this decision.
it is tough, but sometimes with people in his position, the only thing to do is to give him space to figure out what he wants. pressuring and questioning him will only push him further away from discussing things with you. he doesn't know what he wants right now and pushing him to make that decision only closes his mind to alternatives.
i'm sorry that you are going through this (i'm sorry that i put my stbx through this), but you'll have to be strong and be accepting to the way things are right now. if anything happened with him in florida, it has happened and nothing can reverse that, now it is all about getting to the point where he is comfortable to discuss it (if he reaches that point). as much as it hurts and selfish as it may sound, show that you are understanding of his feelings and that you are there if and when he wants to talk.
until then, try to live as normal as possible. that sucks, i'm sorry if that advice is not what you want to hear, but it is going to be hard to convince him of something (like counseling) he doesn't want to be convinced of.
sorry to see you here, but hopefully it will help you through this.
br
Re:Question lookin4alite: Hi, welcome to OJAR. I have to agree if he is being standoffish and not talking about things, it is likely over for him. I am very sorry. You have two options let it be and see if it is a phase or to get the divorce and move on. The distance and job are certainly a hinderance to any real positive change. When my STBXw and I were having issues she began travelling consulting jobs and it was really just a way for her to test the waters being alone. For us it was the end...
If you need to PM me you are more than welcome.
Take Care.
lite
Re:Question rsvz00: As much as I hate to admit it, you are all right...so far each of you have touched on a point that I have already told myself. I am pretty sure that he wants out. It is just so damn hard to let go. Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I am sorry to be here as well but also very thankful that a place like this exists. He is coming home tomorrow to talk (or move his things out...I guess that depends on how the talking goes) and I will post again on how that went. I really appreciate the honesty that is shown here.....sometimes people dont like to hear the truth...but they need to anyway!
Thanks again everyone.
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