Re:Why is he so mean to me??? melissa: Samanthain, my ex has acted the same way and in the beginning I spent hours trying to answer the questions. Why is he so mean to me, how can he act like "we" never happened, how can he just turn it off, etc. etc. The answer is guilt. Whether he ever truly acknowledged it to himself that his actions were just $hitty or whether people who act like him just have the subconscious feelings we'll never know. But seeing us, talking to us, whatever, only reminds them of how they've acted in the past. I know my ex doesn't want to see or talk to me b/c when he does he can't exactly sell me the super nice guy act that he likes to put on. I know he cheated, lied, etc. and of course he knows I know it too. So avoiding me means avoiding acknowledging and/or dealing with it for him.
Melissa
Re:Why is he so mean to me??? Samanthain: I wonder if somewhere deep down inside my ex feels any guilt. He's blamed everything on me and is the type that can do no wrong. I know at one point he did feel a little guilty abandoning me because he knew how much I needed him. He's just the kind of person that sees everything as eigher good or bad and now I'm on the bad side. He's moved on and is married again so I understand that we can't be close friends anymore but he's made me feel like if I were dying on the side of the road that I couldn't even call him for help. I've tried to be adult in all of this and reach out to his new wife and always been polite to her and not to really bother them. He's just replaced me with her in our exact same lives (they live in "our" house, got married in the church we got married in and get to raise our cat who's like my baby). I'll never understand how someone can spend so many years together and then never want to speak to them again. His words make me feel hated and it just hurts. I don't expect much but I just wanted to have a decent relationship.
Thanks guys for listening!!!
Re:Why is he so mean to me??? heartbroken4: Samanthain
Melissa wrote it perfectly. They feel so guilty about the way things went that its better for them to be mean to me. I could not understand how my x could be so mean, than I thought well he is mad because I dont want or will not come back. Than he gets a gf and he waits for me to show emotion, well it hurt like he** but I didnt show it and than he dumps her now he is back to being nice again. Its just an emotional game for him, he just does not get it. So I take it as it comes, if he is mean I give it right back, well after I have had enough. If he is nice than I act nice. But he is always nice on the phone and than when I see him he completely shines me on, does not even look at me. we have to see each other every other weekend for kids. so I will see him tonight we'll see how he acts since he broke up with his gf? But I definately agree he feels bad for the way he treated me and seeing me reminds him of what he lost. I wasnt perfect but I loved him with all my heart and would have done anything for him and he knew that.
HB4
Re:Why is he so mean to me??? LostTeacher: the hardest thing is, some of us will never know what really happened. i had been with my stbxh since we were kids, have been best friends for years, and poof, it's over. i don't really know what happened, why it happened, or why we couldn't work on things. what i do know is that if i keep trying to put it together, it will just drive me crazy. i just have to accept the fact that sometimes people change, and not always for the better. i am a bit of a control freak, and had a very definate plan of where i wanted my life to go. now, that plan is totally backwards, and i don't always know where to go. what i do know is that i can't change him, and for whatever reason, he has changed drastically, and i can't do anything about it. i can only control me, and try to control my feelings. of course, that doesn't mean i am happy all the time now. quite the contrary, right now, after moving into my new place, i feel like i am sad and depressed and crying all the time. but i do things to try to get control, like talk on ojar, or to friends, or a counselor. and it does get a little better. time is supposed to heal all wounds, and i just hope that that will be true for all of us.
Re:Why is he so mean to me??? summerparis: I appreciate what you write about being polite and adult and reaching out to them, but I'm not sure it's in your best interests. It's clear to me that this is a boundaries issue, and you have to be vigilant and protective of your boundaries.
Sometimes the adult thing to do is to firmly and decisively close the door behind you, and keep it closed as much as you can. You have other friends that undoubtedly love you, so don't waste your time trying to a friend to the new wife, who may well have ambivalent feelings about you. Above all, be extremely careful about your encounters with your ex. You know that he can be hurtful to you, and the others on this board have explained very well exactly why. The less contact you have with him, the less chance there is for you be hurt.
Keep your head up!
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