Do I belong here? anibundel: hello.
I'd like to start off by saying hi to everyone. I only just found this site this evening.
I'm 27 years old. I left my husband, who is 37, four months ago. I had been with him since i was 18, though we only married a couple of years ago. In fact, i left the week after our second wedding anniversary.
This has been the weirdest time of my life. The relief of leaving him was crushing. I can't put it any other way. Some of my friends called his behavior during the final months abusive, but he always had a controlling nature, and i liked that for a long time...i'm not sure when that ended, but it slowly dawned on me over time that i was desperatly unhappy, and that i was making him very unhappy because of it, but he did not want to see it.
I did not cheat on my husband, but i did have a serious crush on another man. I never acted on this crush, and i never told my husband about it. Once i left my husband, the crush kind of disappeared...kind of like i was only holding onto it in order to give myself that final boost of courage to leave.
I feel now like i have no one who really understands what i am going through. One of my best friends is in a new relationship....she feels very threatened by my leaving my husband, and is the one who keeps trying to make it sound like he abused me...like somehow leaving my marriage without that, just because i was miserable and making my husband miserable, would make me somehow less of a person, and put me in the wrong.
My other best friend is going through a divorce, but it's like a joke to her. She cheated on her husband with a guy who was living with his live-in-lover, and both of those relationships were distroyed as a result. She is completely happy with the result, is now almost 4 months pregnant with the new guy's baby (the six month separation period the state requires isn't even up yet!) and has never mourned a day for that lost relationship. It's Nuts. When i cry and tell her how much some days i just want to go back to the bubble i was in with my husband, that safe secure place we used to have that i somehow lost along the way, and how much i miss it, she looks at me like "What are you Talking About?" and then makes noises and says whatever she thinks will make me happy. Like placating a small child.
I feel so alone everyday...i was badly suicidal last month during the holidays (and my birthday), but i'm starting to feel it pass...like a long night is coming to an end and one day i'll see the sun again. But it's a long process, and i still find myself slipping backwards into depressions where i cannot make myself leave the house (today would be a prime example.)
I also find guys starting to come up to me and ask me on dates, and i say yes, but then somehow find i can't make it at the last minute and cancel. It's not that i don't want to date, as much as i sort of trick myself out of actually going through with it. I'm no longer in love with my husband...that's over. It's just that i can't take the next step yet.
I guess i'm just looking for help and support. I'm very afraid of the whole laywer process, and find myself having a mental block from understanding the divorce laws, even though they seem pretty simple. And i know since i'm the one who left, I'm the one who has to do everything paperwork-wise for the divorce. Because it's only fair. And i don't believe my husband will really fight me on it.
And i guess that's the thing i'm trying to ask....i read the thing on cheaters vs non cheaters tonight and it made me wonder.....i'm not going through a messy divorce, per se. It's not bizarrely oh-oops-whatever, like my friend, but there are no kids and there is no property and he now lives in another state from me, so we almost never see each other.....but i still feel guilty for what i've done and i still feel lost and alone and like no one will ever truly ever be interested in me because i've done such a horrible thing...is this really the right place for me? Or will i not fit in because i'm not crushed by wanting him back every moment? I know that i'm doing the right thing....it's just an incredibly hard thing to do. And i don't have a church or a social group to fall back into for support. The only social group i had outside of work were his friends. And i can't really bring myself to join a church either. I was brought up in an a-religious household, and though my hardcore christian friend (the one i had the crush on) gave me a bible and said i could go to church with him anytime to help me through this, i feel like that would be dishonest....i'm not that kind of person.
anyway, thanks for listening. any advice would be lovely.
-Laura
Re:Do I belong here? Suddenly Single: Welcome to Ojar and I do think you belong here. Just because you are not really wanting your husband back doesn't mean you are going to go through the loss and grief of a divorce. I was cheated on and realized that I wasn't happy in my marriage and quite happy to be divorced from him - however, I still went through various feelings and hard times just from the pure loss of the life I led.
Best Wishes to you and HUGS!
SS
Re:Do I belong here? loshyra: Laura~
Let me start off by saying WELCOME TO OJAR!!! You are totally welcome here. Don't even think that the only people here are those who are crushed and wanting their exs back all the time. I for one am like you and much happier without then I was in my marriage. I was physically abused by my ex. it took quite a long time (2 years) for me to realise what was up. My family acted (at the beginning) like your friends are. In fact at thanksgiving dinner (mind you it was at my house) My younger brother asked me if I ever would get married again and when I said maybe...he said for how long this time (since this was my second marriage). You want to talk about horrible holidays try having your family come down hard on you because you divorced someone that tried to kill you.
??? ???
I still don't get that. But anyway you are totally welcome here and if you need to talk, just open up and talk to any of us. We are all full of compassion and friendship for those around us. We try to help those, even ones that we can't really relate too.
I hope this helps answer any questions that you may have! And if you need to talk to me...about anything PM me..
~Denise
Re:Do I belong here? sheydp: Sure - You do belong here! You don't have to be crushed every minute, or happy either... This is just a place to share your feelings - whatever they are. You can chime in on others' experiences with your unique viewpoint, and help others too (sometimes that can take you out of a funk - caring about what is happening to others...) I am glad we have someone who isn't about cheating - that isn't a necessary part of a divorce, you know! Welcome, welcome, welcome!!!
Re:Do I belong here? Chase: Welcome annibundel,
This is a board for divorce and breakups, even though it sometimes seems overwhelmed with other stories. I for one welcome you. The support you can receive here is sometimes overwhelming, and in some ways it's like a self-help counselling session.
I hope you can find the strenth inside to remain true to what you really want.
Chase
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