Re:am confused -- need some advice sheydp: I gotta add one more thing here. As a child of an alcoholic, I gotta ask, is he an alcoholic? College age is the time of drinking, but he seems to be drinking to excess frequently followed by dangerous behavior - maybe that is just his age, but I also worry that this might or has become a pattern...
I really think you two need to take a break and think about what what life will really be like... You do sound like you need to work on your trust and posessiveness issues, and that is great and strong of you to recognize that. You aren't the only one that seems to have problems, here, though. You are going to law school - you must be very intelligent, motivated, and forward thinking - you are working toward a goal, here. Use that to imagine your life with him 5 years from now, what is your plan? Will you be ok with him staying out late, or drinking excessively while you stay home with a busy caseload or busy baby - or both! He may be done with that stuff by then, but if he isn't - are you going to be ok with that? (By the way, I hope your answer is NO!!!) If you aren't, you need to wait to marry him to see how that whole thing turns out... You can't change him, you can only choose if you can be with him the way he is. You can change you - up to a point... After that, you lose yourself.
The truth is, you are ready to grow up - work on yourself, work on a marriage, work on your own trust issues, work on your career. He isn't. Do you really want to marry him when you aren't on the same page right now? I'm not saying never, just not now. Make sense?
Re:am confused -- need some advice Amira: There's an old quote: "Men marry expecting their wives to never change and women marry thinking that they can change their husbands." (or something like that) Unfortunately, nothing could be farther from the truth.
On the one hand, I say he did ask you go, the fact that you weren't able to go due to school is not his fault and maybe there was a reason he wanted to go at this time of the year. If you trust him, then it should be fine. Valentine's Day is not the end all be all holiday it's made out to be by florists and Hallmark.
However, reading farther down your posts this is what really bothers me. He drinks too much, he drinks to excess and it's not just a "once in a while" kind of thing. Sounds like the beginnings of alcoholism to me. Or maybe it's not. I don't know how old you guys are, but I'm betting pretty young (early 20's). It may be that this is fun for him now but like most of us, he'll outgrow the "get falling down drunk as a form of entertainment and a hobby". I'm not that old but by the time I was 24 that quickly ceased to be such a novelty for me and I found healthier things to invest my time and money in.
Not to mention, you guys are already arguing about this. Trust me, the stress of marriage does nothing to improve your problems, it only serves to either A) exacerbate them or B) bring them into much closer focus. Either way, not good.
Maybe he'll grow out of his drinking habit, I don't know. But I think the thing to do right now is to let him enjoy his trip and while he's gone, spend some time thinking about what you want out of life and is he ready, willing and able to provide that? If the answer is no (do you honestly want to turn into a harpy who's nagging him about downing a six pack in one sitting--no matter how unhealthy or unwise that is--all the time?) then maybe it's time that the two of you postpone your marriage indefinitely and date other people. You may end up working things out or meeting someone with whom you can share a great future.
Re:am confused -- need some advice Jennicole:
I thought over the weekend that maybe subconsiously I wanted him to choose me over the trip so that he will show how much he cares for me. But i guess that was naive and expecting too much from him.
this statement stuck out too me. there are too many people out there that measure there spouses love for them by what they think they should do, or roles reversed what you would do. no 2 people are alike, and people show there love for one another differently.
*not* that this is your relationship, but i want to give you an example:
a man may spend hours upon hours at work all day everyday. his wife may think 'gee he doesnt love me because he wants to spend so much time at work instead of with me' and the husband this whole time, is working his tail off to give her the kind of life she has, *because* he loves her so much, not in spite of her.
try not to measure your fiances love for you by the way YOU show love. he probably shows you that he loves you everyday, just in a way that you do not recognize as showing love.
