Re:am confused -- need some advice nygirl: I am leaving out alot. I do have to say that we really love each other. We both know that they other won't cheat.
My trust issue is that he'll stay out late and drink until he falls to the ground. He always has been a big drinker and we always have fights about it. I don't want him to go somewhere for soo long that he can't resist the temptation to get inebriated. Everytime we go out, i've seen him drink six or seven vodka on the rocks in one night and still insist on driving. I worry that he'll do something stupid and get hurt.
He says that this trip is not about going somewhere without me. He says that he need a vacation for work. But why can't he just wait until May - the end of my semester when i have three weeks. Why did he have to go now?!
I really don't know why he has to go now!
I wonder if it is because he thinks i'm such a nag and has turned into his mother. I do nag about his staying out late... but it's because i'm afraid that he's out doing something self-destructive. And he stays out until 4, or 5 AM at least twice a month. I do trust that he's out with his friends at a bar. He's the type that will drive evryone home and make sure that they get hom okay, but while not thinking about himself. And his friends don't know any better... they'll let him drink and drive. This is why I don't want him to go.
And because I feel left out... of a trip that we could have done together. It is also because since he works and I go to school, we never have time for each other, and we should take our free time and spend it together. I know it won't be all the time, but it's 20 days that we could have been reconnecting. I already feel that we're not as close as we used to and now he wants to go away for that long during valentine's day?! It seems so uncaring and selfish.
If he really care for me and want this relationship to work, then why is he taking long trips without me?
Re:am confused -- need some advice nygirl: I also left out the part about us almost breaking up about six months ago.. over his drinking and staying out late. sometimes, i feel that he's so different from me. When we were in college, we would hang out at a bar and get home past 4AM. But now that i'm in law school I don't have so much time to have fun. I always have a paper or a final to take. He understands, but he insists on still ging out once a week. But i can't sleep because i know he's out there drinking too much and having fun without me. I really feel left out and I don't know if he'll still find me interesting because i'm not hte one he associates for having fun anymore. Yeah, we go to a movie or dinner when we can. But i feel like I'm not enough for him. I feel like he needs a girl who is more like him... partying all the time. But i also feel like it's time to grow up and start a life together. How are we supose to have a family when he's still reliving his college days??!
we also have fights about the little things and we make them out to be bigger than they are,
I guess this trip is another example of our stubbornness.
i just don't know if we're suppose to be together. We are an odd couple, but we will always love each other.
Re:am confused -- need some advice marfanoidus: [quote"> I feel like he needs a girl who is more like him... partying all the time. But i also feel like it's time to grow up and start a life together. [/quote">
Do yourself a HUGE favor, and call the wedding off. The reverberations in that qoute should be large enough to be heard round for miles.
1) You're not sure you're right for one another;
2) You have the problem of wanting to change him, or at least thinking you know what's best for him.
With (1), that should be enough to be a deal-breaker right off the bat.
But with (2) - you are headed down a one-way road to waking up one day several years from now, with kids and mortgages, and some gray hairs, just to hear him say "Why are you always trying to change me!?!?!", and with that, well - its just not pleasant.
Listen carefully: a LOT of women have a savior-complex, some people call it 'jerk-appeal', and some chalk it up to a 'mothering instinct' - but its all the same thing: a woman will intentionally choose a partner, not fully because of what he is, but in part because of what she thinks she can help transform him into. Not wise at all. BIG, BIG MISTAKE!!!!
Get your head on straight. You need to marry a man whom you love for who he is, not for what he may become. Its gambling, and most women who try it usually lose in the long run.
I'm telling you straight up - do not marry this man at this point in your lives, or you will have enormous problems further down the road. And as far as I'm concerned, he is abusing your trust.
This post sounds gloom-and-doomy, and it wasn't meant to be. But whatever bothers you about him now - multiply it by a million, and thats how much it will bother you when you're married and share kids and homes and such.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:am confused -- need some advice Jennicole: hmm. he wants to go on vacation, asked you to go but you cant. you think it is selfish for him not postponing it. isnt that a little selfish of you? its not like it is just the 2 of you going. there are other people involved who have already made their plans. should they ALL put them on hold? im not trying to come across as mean here, but i think it a little odd that you are placing all of the blame on him, instead of looking at your own actions.
Re:am confused -- need some advice nygirl: I agree with you guys. I had time to think about it over the weekend. We really do have other issues that need to be talked over. But i didn't think it's selfish for me to ask him to wait two months until I have finished my semester. Yeah, there are other people involved and i don't expect them to put their vacations on hold for me, but I did expect him to do that for me.
We have been edgy around each other over the past fews months. And it is because we are both trying to ask the other to do things that we normally wouldn't do, i.e. me asking him to stop drinking so much and him telling me I should be home cooking more. There are definetly issues here.
I thought over the weekend that maybe subconsiously I wanted him to choose me over the trip so that he will show how much he cares for me. But i guess that was naive and expecting too much from him.
I did fear that he could possibly cheat on me. It is because i don't have so much confidence in our love. But maybe that it's normal to think that other women will find him attractive. I just have to trust him, since.. like you guys said... we're thinking about getting married. If i don't trust him for 20 days, then i shoudn't be getting married anyways.
i also think that i have become a posssessive person. And we have to work on that. I left him a message yesterday telling him that I was so sorry for being so mean and for telling him to wait for me. That i wanted to work out our problems and asking him not to be mad at me so much.
Sorry to sound so glum... but i haven't heard from him. maybe we can owrk this out. I still have hope.
Thanks for all your comments, it really put things in perspective!
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