OK, so now my STBX has "daughters?" tara: In recent months, he has bonded with his GF's kids. I understand that. They are good kids, their father isn't in the picture, and their mom has pretty much raised them alone for years. Her last relationship was abusive, too, so this is the first taste of relative stability those kids have had.
But he's gone and posted something on a message board that we both visit, in response to a question, "what's the best sound you've heard recently?" or some such, and he said "when my daughters told me they loved me."
So now they're his daughters?! I knew he was listed as "stepfather" on the kids' school forms (easier than explaining, and with security these days, they need forms to allow him to pick the kids up and all that). But father?!
I wouldn't care, I shouldn't care (I'm in another relationship, too, and his GF was not his GF when we separated, nor was she the cause of our breakup), it's his business, and if/when they break up it's going to be a whole lot worse but that's still not my business -- except one of the big reasons for our breakup is that he stopped wanting kids, and I wanted them. Now, I guess...he never wanted kids with *me*.
(I know he's not posting this to rub it in -- he's posting this because he's clueless about *why* this would bug me. Which doesn't help much.)
Sigh.
Re:OK, so now my STBX has "daughters?" jen: Tara -
Ughhh...I can see why this would bug you. Just try to remember that it isn't personal or about you and doesn't necessarily mean that he just didn't want kids with *you*. Maybe that was his truth when you separated - that he didn't want children and that truth has somehow changed since then.
Since I know how having children was such an issue w/ my stbxh and myself, this is an issue that I have struggled with quite a bit. One day I realized that it didn't matter if he really just didn't want kids or just not with me - it didn't change anything - I wanted someone who really wanted children AND wanted them with me...
know that probably doesn't help, but sorry he's clueless.
mtmo
Re:OK, so now my STBX has "daughters?" cloud: I could see where seeing that posted would seem weird. He didn't want kids before and now he's a quasi-stepfather who calls his gf's offspring his daughters.
Maybe he didn't want the full-on responsibility (financial/time) of being a father but he now enjoys being this great guy to these girls (a superhero) but without the full-on responsibility?
Re:OK, so now my STBX has "daughters?" marfanoidus: I can totally understand what you're feeling, and certainly don't argue any of it. There are, of course, a couple things to make sure you remember through this situation:
1) Maybe those girls truly need a 'father', where they feel accepted as more than just 'step-daughter' (been there myself - my 'daughter' was my stbx's girl from her first marriage), and your ex has recognized this and is willing to genuinely step up to the plate and fufill the role for them. This would be the ideal scenario.
2) Maybe your ex is putting on a bit of a show for his new girl, and just saying this as a manner of impressing her and playing upon her mothering emotions. This would be a sinister scenario.
3) Maybe your husband has realized now, after being around kids, that he actually wants some, and that these step-daughters fit the role. This is a very acceptable scenario.
But through it all, none of it should matter to you if you have truly let go of him, and all that he could have ever been in your life. None of it should matter to you, at all.
Let it go. His thinking, his reasoning, his decisions, his actions - in none of it should you find any reflection of 'something about you', because it's not about you - its all about him, and time will show it.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:OK, so now my STBX has "daughters?" Shanna: I totally see why it would bug you....if my stbxh had a gf with kids it would bug the poo out of me. Especially since he sent his own kids to live so far away.
REalistically. It doesn't matter. Those little girls may be lucky to have him as a "dad" figure. They may really need it....being a single mom I know my boys are missing a Dad figure. My SO isn't around much. My dad only drops in and he watches TV a lot when we are at their house. And their REAL dad fwell he is 500 miles away and only can get off work a few times a year. *shrugs* I feel for you, but at the same time I am happy for them because trust me kids need a dad figure.
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