Re:If he wants divorce why is he not taking the steps? anibundel: well, i know for me that i haven't initiated divorce stuff even though i left because it's too painful to face, and as far as i'm concerned, neither of us is seeing anyone else, so there's no pressing reason to hurry.
But your complaint seems to be more about him not leaving than not starting divorce stuff. He won't move out even though you've asked him to. and you've told him it's hurting you for him to stay. but not moving out when it's really painful for you both to be living in the same house is different than not starting divorce proceedings..... that's mean. i got out as soon as i could after saying it was over, affording it be damned. Do what you have to do to and figure out paying for it once you've done it. what he's doing sounds selfish and cruel...... and would go in my proof of how he really thinks of you, reasons not to go back catagory......
Re:If he wants divorce why is he not taking the steps? browngreen: I guess this situation makes me think of boundaries and standards. Boundaries being the acceptable limits of how you are treated and standards being the acceptable limits you hold yourself to in dealing with others.
Here's the thing: yes, he has asked for the divorce. A person with standards does what they say they are going to do.
He isn't.
A person with boundaries will out the hand out, the fence up, and draw the line and say "Since you aren't, then I guess I have to. It isn't fair, and I don't appreciate it"
See what I mean? Someone has to uphold principles here, someone has to do the right thing.
I'm sorry, but it's looking like that person is you.
IT's pretty cut and dry.
And unfortunately, if he won't move out, you may have to. OR file, and have him removed legally. Change the locks when he's not home and set his stuff out on the lawn under a tarp.
Sorry again. I know it sucks. It would be great if he had some standards for himself, but it looks like he's got an askew code of honor, and you deserve better.
BG
Re:If he wants divorce why is he not taking the steps? clb: Thanks for the advice. When I moved back in a month and a half ago. I think he was shocked that I wanted to be in the house with him. But, I work ten minutes from our home and the only place I had to stay was with my parents an hour and a half away. I had moved out for two weeks to give him time to think. At that time, he told me he would move out if I wanted him to, since he was the one that wanted this. I held onto hope that we could work things out. But with each passing week, I saw how much he needed to do this for himself, for some bizare reason. I did everything everyone told me not to do, including my therapist. I acted normal, cooked, cleaned, shopped and yes, after about two weeks gave him sex! We agreed at the time that it was just sexual. At the time it was, but now I long for him sexually and emotionally. So, of course why wouldn't he leave-he is getting everything for free and not having any attachments. At first I said I did it to keep myself occupied (minus the sex) and I wasn't going to change who I am, just because he wants out. I wanted to prove a point. Now, I still feel the same, but I hope that it will make him miss me more when he does leave. I love him and always have, even through this. I am surprised and embarresed at myself that I have let him walk all over me. I have always seen myself as a much stronger woman. My friends and family are shocked that I have been letting him to what he is doing. They of course see me as the innocent one who did nothing wrong, me I know my choices have led him to feel unloved so I want to show him that I love him no matter what. At times he can be like a hurt child that feels noone ever loved him. HE was from a very disfunctional family and I do not think it knows what unconditional love is. When I married him I married him for better or worse. I see it as we are at our worse right now. He sees it as if your are unhappy, then throw it away and start anew without trying your hardest. He did not really date anyone seriously before I came into his life, where as I did and knew I was in love and wanted him forever. I feel that he may wonder if he settled for me. He thinks I settled for him, but I think he is projecting his feelings onto me. About two years into our marriage I considered leaving him, because he was so cold at times and not what I wanted. But, I thought about it and decided that I knew this from the beginning and realized that I truely loved him so decided to stay in the marriage and accept him for who he is. He thinks that at that time I settled for him and that I shouldn't have settled. There is a big difference between settling and accepting. So to end this long note, I am in this to the end. I will have my plan in place but for now I am sticking to he has to make the move first. If he really wants it, he has to do it. Of course I will give a reaonable time limit to my waiting. My guess is that he will not make a move until our home sells. This will be the turning point.
