New Here alldone: Hello,
Thank god I just found this board. It has helped me very much in the last few weeks. Here is the short version of my life:
Met stbx in 11th grade and have been together since (12 years). We had a son when we were 19 and have a daughter who is 8 months. We have a house two new cars and a golden retriever. Sounds like a perfect life right? Oh No he has a habit of belittiling (sorry for the spelling) me in front of anyone. IE: I am and idiot, lazy ect... He will do this and then expect that I should just "forget about it" 5 minutes later. He is also a drinker oh and don't forget the 5 vicodans that he pops a day. Sure he is a great dad when he is f*^&% up. It is easy to play when you are buzzing all the time. He actually gets upset with me when I tell him not to bring an open beer in the car while he is driving with our kids. Also he is very selfish. Whenever I dare to be sick he is no help to me at all. This week was the final straw I have vertigo from a middle ear infection. For those who have never had it more or less it is the bedspins 24/7. Not real easy to take care of a baby when you are dizzy/sick to your stomach. Anyway it was really bad on Tuesday and I was laying on the couch after work. He procedes to get his softball uniform on to go to his game. Then he turns to me and says what's your problem? I said do you think you could skip this one and help me take care of the kids? His reply was you were well enough to go to work so you are well enough to take care of them. It was like someone took of my blinders and I saw him for what he really was. Not that this is the first time that he has done something like this. Trust me I could write a book on them all. For the last 8 years I have put up with so much from him for the sake of my son. I love my son more than anything more than myself. It kills me to know that I will be hurting him by the seperation. I just can't take it anymore....I really can't. Financially this is going to kill me. Hopefully I can find a part time job to supplement some of his income. Sorry for rambling on here. What is my first step here? Should I go and file for a legal seperation? He is willing to leave the house at the end of the month. We have decided that we will split days with the kids until then ie:Friday I am going out Sat: he is going out ect.. He is a very vindictive person so I really want to cover my but.
Any input is very appreciated!
Thanks for listening
Re: New Here itwillgetbetter: hello new here,
How are you doing today? Did you go to the Dr. for your ear infection? First and foremost you have to take care of yourself. You will not be able to take care of your kids if you are not taking care of you---physically, emotionally etc...
Does your family know yet? Set up a support group of family and friends that you can call on. If he is selfish and you have been tolerating it for sometime, you might want to read some books from Mollie Beattie like The Language of Letting Go.
If he is vindictive, it sounds like you will need an attorney. Maybe you can start with a mediator if you think you and your husband can be reasonable and come to deicisons about the children and division of property yourself.
Getting divorced is a roller coaster I never wanted to ride on.
Goodl luck to you.
Re: New Here justmenow: Don't waste your $$ on a legal separation - you can separate without it. Have you decided on divorce yet or is he willing to attend counseling (either alone or with you). You will make it through either way.
1. Your son will be hurt initially, but it is only short-term if you handle the situation right. This means, don't belittle your X no matter how much you want to. He will always be your son's father - treat it as a business relationship vs. an adversarial one. In the long term you're helping to show him that you are a strong capable woman and that a bad relationship is not acceptable. It will teach him respect. In the long term it may also help him to respect his girlfriends/wife and not take after his father.
2. If you get divorced, you are entitled to child support and possibly alimony. Yes, it is a financial strain, but not nearly as devastating as the emotional trauma.
3. Take care of yourself. This is the hardest time right now for you, so make sure you are in good physical and mental health. See a counselor if you need to, join a support group, or do whatever feels right.
If I can help in any way, feel free to IM me. I know exactly what you're going through. My X and I were together 14 years and we have 2 kids. They are surviving our split quite nicely because we are being mature about it and not involving them in our problems. They tell me quite often how surprised they are at how strong I am and that they never knew I could use power tools (I'm remodeling my house). I know you will be able to set a good example for your kids too.
Good luck and God bless.
Re: New Here achingallover: Hey All Done-
Oh man, I feel for you. I know it's hard to believe this now, but once you get away from him and his verbal abuse, you will wonder why you stayed as long as you did. It sounds like he is an addict, and with that, you are most certainly NOT dealing with the person you married here, you are dealing with his addicaiton. He's somewhere under there, but at this point, totally enveloped by the drugs and alcohol. There is nothing you can do for him - he has got to decide what he wants his life to be. I would absolutely reccommnd you get into an Alanon meeting. I am going to one, and my husband isn't chemcially dependant - just an idiot - but there is a long line of chemical dependency in my family which has created this cycle of co-dependency. So, yes, I agree 100% with Justmenow, you are ENTITLED to alimony. I would get away from him ASAP, but the actual financial proceedings might take a month or two. I am dealing with that right now. Just keep it slow when it comes to that. My therapist told me "if you don't know what to do, then do nothing!" , and i believe she's right, as I have been such a mess emotionally that I done ALL KINDS OF THINGS on impulse that I wish I hadn't (although they all sounded perfectly clear and right at the time). There is no big rush for the money to be seperated - the rush might feel in getting physical distance, which is probably the best idea for you and the children. It is a huge step that you saw the reality of your situation - this man is an addicat and verbally abusive to you. Stay with that and keep that in your mind. With the children - yes, Justmenow said it perfects - partnership for the children's sake - no longer husband and wife. Assure them that you both love them very much and give them plenty of space to talk about their feelings....and no mud slinging about the other person -and I can only imagine you will want to, as this man sounds like a nightmare! Anywho, stay strong, get space, be as calm as you can and use this website plus any other type of support system possible for you right now. This is a very tough time and we are ALL here for you and rooting you on!
Keep us posted-
Steph
Re: New Here grober: Hey, alldone.
Sorry you find yourself is such a bad situation. You STBX sounds like he has real issues. Just be sure to take care of yourself. You're going to go through the most trying time of your life as the divorce moves along. I lost 20 lbs during my divorce (and I didn't have it to loose) due to stress related factors.
I'm not sure of the value of a legal separation since my divorce didn't require one. If you're looking to CYA, consider taking an inventory of your assets and debts before you separate. That way you are aware of material and financial posessions before your divorce gets underway.
Take care and good luck.
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