Re: Jilted Bob-Bob: Hey,
I was doing well this morning and now those feelings of doubt and pain are creeping in again... that didn't take long!!!
I heard over the weekend some things that happened leading up to the day that she told me she wanted the divorce. She was already talking to her brother and had asked him " do you think Bob and I will be together another five years?" to which he responded "yeah." she said "I don't, he is bringing me down."
First of all, why wasn't she saying anything to me? second of all I constantly boosted her esteem. I gave her compliments on a daily basis. I realize our finances were in disarray for the past 3 months because we were trying to rebuild them after burying her father last year. I never kept her from anything. If she wanted or needed something I made sure she got it, whether it was attention, affection, or just something she wanted from the store.
This comment hurt me so deeply and confused me so much that It has added to the whirlwind of emotions a new level of doubt and pain. I know I was a good husband and I want to know what it was that I did wrong ( so I never make that mistake in a relationship again) I would have never intentionally hurt my wife. I wanted her to feel safe and secure.
Then the anger sets in and I think "wait a minute here, for the past three years my wife has not given me affection or intamacy. She would never just walk up and scratch my back our grab my hand or give me a kiss. I was the one doing this. She never initiated any contact at all. It angers me that she could say things like that, I have made sure that she was well taken care emotionally, physically, and financially.
I don't know if it is a matter of her trying to pass the guilt of the whole thing off. If there was truly a problem there then why wasn't she talking to me about it?
I talked to her about the affection and intamacy issues that I had. I always wanted to stay open and communicate with her, everything was going great in every other way (I thought).
She cannot undo what she has done and everyone around us that knows what marriage is all about sees her for what she is, or at least what she has become. She hated her mother for cheating on her father, she hated her mother for getting another boyfriend less than a month after her father passed away, and she used to tell eveyone her feelings about this, now people see her and what she has done and realize that she has become the very thing that she said she hated.
I know the Karma will get her and already has in many ways. I know....
thanks everyone, your words and support help.
Bob
"strength is not hiding your emotion, it is in showing it"
Re: Jilted achingallover: Hey Bob...I love the quote! I know. This soooooo sucks. I too have gone over and over in my mind what went wrong...what was my part in this! But through it all, I know I did some things that, now looking back on them, weren't so healthy for our relationship - but I had no idea what to do! He was shutting me out emotionally and I was begging him to go to couples therapy to get help, which he wouldn't. THe one thing that I have to tell myself over and over is "I did the BEST that I could!" Which I did. Like I said, I knew I didn't know how to "fix" our broken relationship. I fully admitted that. But he was under the impression that we were supposed to "meld" together and if not, then we are wrong for each other. I even sent him a letter asking him to go to couples therapy and considered legal seperation. I told him we both had crappy models for how to relate to people - our parents! Both our families are a mess! I told him the only way to have a healthy relationship is to learn how! But the letter just made him mad.
I know, this is so painful, exhuasting, scary, unbelievable, horrible, confusing....the long list goes on. I hear of these crazy tales that say "it gets better with time." ;) I"m waiting for my time to come! ::)
Hang in Bob - use the board to support you. We are here. There's some great folks here.
hugs-
Steph
Re: Jilted Bob-Bob: Thanks again steph,
The quote is mine :).
I am and always have been the type of person to let my feelings be known in the most passive way possible. I try to work things out, it is the family that I come from that has taught me this communication. Her Family is on the other hand a turmoil, they are constantly fighting. They a great people, don't get me wrong, they just are not a close family...
I am not an expert on relationships but just like you I didn't know how to "fix" our broken relationship so I recommended counseling.
We all make mistakes in our relationships, it is just part of being in a relationship... But when it comes down to it, we really have to ask ourselves the question, who tried the hardest to make it work... was it all one sided, and if not just how out of balance was the effort... marriage will never be a perfect balance, but it is not supposed to be all one sided either... I thought for the most part she and I kept each other balanced but now I look back and start to realize just how disproportionate the whole thing was.
Thanks,
Bob
Re: Jilted achingallover: Yeh, in my family system - we were taught not to feel your feelings. For a long time - I couldn't name what I was feeling. My family is a total disaster. Full of codependants meets alcohoics. Not good. In his family system - he was taught to only show "good" emotions. Mash all the bad ones down and don't talk about them - "always look on the up side!" They were very into organized religion - MAJORLY! Lots of guilt.
So, I, since I"ve been in therapy and therapy school in the past year, have learned how to feel and show my emotions - the bad ones - the sad ones - and he is TERRIFIED by this. Has no idea how to handle it. Feels helpless - and I have ALOT of crying to make up for. 32 years of holding it in. So, we've got some major emotional slams going on here with us. And you know, the saddest part is when I show my emotions to him, he thinks I"m doing it to manipulate! Even through him telling me he's leaving...if I cry, it's to make him "feel bad". God forbid I should cry becuase I FEEL BAD!!! But he's not used to that. He's seeing me as a real person - not idealized - and he can't handle it. I wonder if he will just continue on in life idealizing people and then getting disappointed hwen he figures out no one is perfect. Who knows. I guess that's his cross to bear.
Hugs-
Steph
Re: Jilted Bob-Bob: Wow,
You have, or have gained a lot of insight...
Sometimes we all need the help of a counselor or therapist.
I am very good at expressing myself no matter what the emotion, good or bad. She was never good at expressing either, she bottled things up and only expressed them to people outside of our relationship... I feel bad for her because she will not admit her problems and seek the help she needs to correct them. but my focus is turning more and more to me and what I want to do with my life...(she still creeps into my thoughts all of the time (I mean it has only been 2 months) but I am realizing more and more that this is probably going to be the best thing in the world ( at least once I get past the emotions of it all) I did everything possible to make our relationship work and she is the one that not only turned her back, but stepped outside of the ring of marriage. It hurts...
god , it hurts at times... but I am facing the world with my eyes wide open, and learning more about the people out there that make the world a better place to be.
Family can be a great place to learn...not just what to do right but also what not to do... My family was not always tight knit and close... my parents were alchoholics and argued at the tops of thier lungs at times, but people and things change.... I grew up with 5 ( yes, count them 5) brothers and no sisters all of us faught like cats and dogs while growing up, but now there is nothing that we would not do for each other.
Emotion can be the greatest gift you can give another person whether it is good or bad, it is sometimes the best form of communication. It is sad... so very sad that people feel the need to hide them.
I miss sharing those emotions with her, but then I realize I always missed out on her sharing them with me....
I miss scratching her back and telling her "I love you", but then I realize I never recieved the same you see...
I miss reaching for her hand and squeezing it gently, and I think to myself "had she ever done that for me?".
I miss sharing and doing the simple things in life, but wait... I look and think "who was she really?".
I have learned through all of this that love truly is blind. We can love someone so much we miss out on it ourselves...
Bob
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