just hit a realization kimura321: This isn't a vent as much as it is a point of realization for want of a better word.
The other day I was finishing up at my dojo, and the regular students had finished and were in the back room drinking sake. One of the ladies- the only one who speaks english, started telling me how her husband had shipped off to Iraq for 7 months. she said she missed him, but since he left she was having fun hanging out with her friends and said she felt young again. she said he let her go out whenever she wanted, but she still felt confined. she talked about possibly divorcing him when he got back and made a crack about me and her hooking up since we would be the two divorced people there.
I guess what I got out of it, is sometimes, you can do everything you can for a marriage, and there is nothing wrong on the surface, no glaring problems, but I guess sometimes people feel like they are in a rut when they get married- kinda like"Is this it? That's all?" and start to feel like they are just spinning thier wheels.
I don't know if much can be done about that- but I relized thqat sometimes there are no good or bad guys in the marriage- maybe it was just the wrong place, time or the wrong people, but whatever was there that promted the marriage wasn't enough to keep it running.
I don't know- maybe after that juncture hits is the true test that divides failed marriages and succesful ones, and by succuessful ones I mean the couple that is still married- but in addition, still happy with each other. I know of many marriages that the two spouses can barely stand one another.
I am just wondering- do you think there is any way to predict and overcome this problem? Maybe being more selective about partners, being with someone almost exactly like you, or possibly just your opposite?
I there is a saying that lcuk is where preperation meets opportunity. I guess maybe I'm hoping I can apply that rule to everthing. But maybe love and relationships are beyond explanation.
Re:just hit a realization Dino: It's a point well worth debate. I always thought the reason for dating someone for a long period was to determine if they were right for you before marrying them. I'm always sceptical of relationships where people marry quickly. I think it takes a few years to really get to know someone.
I was quite different to my ex. In most things we had, if not opposing, at least different opinions. I guess I just enjoyed her company regardless of our differences. They never really caused friction between us. I just used to do things I didn't like to keep her happy.
Looking back, I think that was the wrong decision to make. We were young when we got together(her 17, me19) and neither of us had had a lot of life experience.
I think it would be best to marry someone who is similar to you. I think maybe that way, it wouldn't take so much work to keep it going. I'm not saying it would be easy, but maybe easier.
Re:just hit a realization teacherwriterguy: I don't know that dating a long time before marriage is really a solution.
I lived with my wife for nearly a year before we officially got married. We knew what "daily life" felt like, what the routine felt like.
Here's a different benchmark to consider:
Maybe the key is that you have to be able to grow with your partner. The biggest red flag in a relationship is when you feel like you are moving in different directions, as individuals rather than a unit.
So, maybe ask yourself: do you and your partner have a clear vision of yourselves, who you are, what you want to be. This is going to sound WAY too much like some kind of self-help book, but: have you actualized yourself as a person? has your partner?
If not, maybe it's a risk? When you finally figure out who you want to be, is your partner going to move in that direction with you? When he/she figures out who he/she wants to be are you going to movie in that direction with him/her? Are you going to want to? Are they going to want you to?
I think the biggest trouble spots in marriages are those times when one partner or the other starts reevaluating themselves, their life, who they are, and where they want to be headed. It doesn't mean that those moments can't be overcome, but maybe those are the real moments of jeopardy?
teacherwriterguy
Re:just hit a realization falling: kimura321,
What a thought provoking post.
It does seem like a majority of Ojarians (?) are divorced because on of the halves are seeking to find themselves. Perhaps it is the fact that we did marry too young and one of the partners now feel like they’ve missed out on life some where along the lines. I don’t think we can predict or foresee our future, but I do know if and when I do find another I will seek pre-marriage counseling.
teacherwriterguy,
I think I see where you’re coming from. My wife used to say she was never known by her name only falling’s girlfriend or falling’s wife. I haven’t thought about that for years till I read your post. Come to think about it she never really knew who she was or had much direction. In the same breath I can tell you I’ve never had any direction either, but I am happy that way. Where ever the wind takes me is my motto, but I think my wife wants, or thinks she, wants more out of life. A sound relationship needs to start with two people of like mind and secure with themselves.
At the point of beginning to date, we can’t be certain about how the other feels about themselves, but if we are confident enough in our selves hopefully we will have learned from our past mistakes and have pick a suitable partner. And through the dating process we can establish suitability. If we are not of sound mind when dating we will not pick a sound partner.
Please don’t grade on grammar and punctuation.
Re:just hit a realization Amira: I wish there was a way to predict this kind of thing. My STBX and I had all kinds of conversations before we were married about marriage--what we wanted out of it, etc. I also thought we had an understanding, even an agreement, that if things got tough between us, we'd go to marital counseling and get them resolved.
Both of us had been married before so we didn't want to do a repeat of the divorce process. He comes from parents who are still, happily, married after 35 years. My parents divorced after 25 years. He divorced his first wife for cheating on him, I divorced my first husband for spousal abuse and adultery.
One would think he had "been there, done that" already, but apparently not. So that leads me to believe that all the promises in the world, all the predictions, likes, dislikes, opposites attract, similar personalities, what-have-you, isn't going to do any good.
I thought my STBX had high moral character and was a smart man. Lately though, I've really begun to question it. He knows involving himself with the OW was not the right thing to do. I also believe, deep down, that he knows continuing to keep her around isn't the right thing to do but he refuses to do anything about it.
I hate to sound cynical, but I've begun to believe that happy marriages are miracles and a by-product of hard work and effort. Sadly, no one is willing to put in that hard work and effort anymore. We are so conditioned to believe that results are instaneous and effortless.
I read somewhere that Human Beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to gain pleasure and I believe it now more than ever. Working through your marital problems is PAINFUL but the rewards are great. However, few people lack the discipline or the inclination to do it. And just because someone says "oh yeah, I'd definitely go to marital counseling before deciding on a divorce" doesn't mean that a couple of years later they'll suddenly change their mind.
It's so bizzare. The worst part is it's like living with a member of the Undead or something--it looks like your partner, it walks and talks like your partner, but geesh, it certainly doesn't ACT like your partner did. I wonder sometimes if I've stepped off into the Twilight Zone.
Marriage has become disposable and this attitude is encouraged strongly by the media. It's easy to get married and even easier to get divorced. I forget who on this board said it (sorry for whoever I'm plagarizing here) but someone said you can't get out of a car contract as easily as you can a marriage--truer words were never spoken.
We're also bombarded daily with messages of "you deserve to be happy--no matter what it takes and it shouldn't take effort from you--oh no". The media blitzes us with constant images of how sexy relationships are supposed to be all the time. Very rarely do we get the "real" side of anything--no matter what the reality shows would like you to believe.
I guess, rambling aside, what I'm trying to say here is I don't think there are any ways in which you can predict it or hard and fast rules to avoid it in the future.
All you can do is be the best spouse you can be, hope and pray.
