stuff you dont' want to hear about slowlearner: hey darl,
you said if i ever got real down to let you know. well, tonight i hit the bottom at least i hope its the bottom
i was going to the pub i aws telling you about, didn't really want to but its something to do, decided to eat something first but before i finished eating i was missing you so fvcking much i could hardly hold back the tears
i came home and now i'm feeling like a piece of shit
darl, understand it comes in waves ok? most of the time i,m ok, but not tonight
i know i have to get over you and i will but its gunna take some time and it's not easy
you don't want to know how i'm feeling cos if i ever even start to talk or write about it you stop answering and go away, can't tell how much that hurts
ok, i'm a stupid pathetic old fool who had no right to expect anything from you, and i tried, i really tried not to let you hurt me
please understand its not you getting pissed and shagging some slut that hurts, it'sthe fact you didn't even give me a chance after that, you jst went
in your own words, there you were, gone
you didn't even want to see me again, ,not even to say goodbye i don't even get one last hug, i get a few a words on aim, that's all. well, for next time darl, if you ever do this again, it's not enough
i'm tired sweety, i don't sleep much and i wake up thinking about you, and it hurts
dont' worry, i won't email this to you, i know you don't want to know i just have to say it to someone and youre the only person i can talk to rightnow, and even you aren't available, probably shagging anny-cum-easy again
maybe i should send yuo a text message, but to be honest, if you're not home, i don't think i could cope with that right now, betternot t o ask
don't worry, i wont put you in the position of having to defend her, that would really piss me off to hear you do that. it would hurt too, and i don't need a any more of that right now.;
why do i hate her when you're the one who hurt me>? cos i can't hate you
stupid, but that's the way it is
as soon as i get my act together, i'm planning to be the biggest slut in town, cos sluts alway win and they don't care who they fvck or fvck over
why did i want to see her picture? so i can stick pins in her eyes, hope i remember to print it out first otherwise my monitors fvcked
ok, enough of slaggy-gleeson, you'll see her fro what she is one day.
what about you? do you even miss me a little bit? do you have any regrets at all? no, i thoght not, it was too easy to walk away hey
i'm sorry darl, i'm trying to be brave and keep up a good face on it, and most of the time i can do that, but like i said, tonights a bad one
sometimes i get sad, and sometimes i get angry and sometimes both at once. tonmight you get the jackpot.
Re:stuff you dont' want to hear about slowlearner: you know what i do some nights darl? sad loser that i am?
i have your picture on my desktop, i lost the one from amsterdam which is a shame cos you were looking right at me having a toke and grinning. i loved that picture but it's gone with all the pictures since i got the laptop. I though they were on a Cd,. but the fscking things scratched and i can't get to them
anyway, as i was saying, i have your picture on my desktop, the crocodile one now. and i have aim running in the background
i pretend you're still around. I talk to you, say back soon when i leave the room, can i get you anything? you know what i mean, just like as if you were here
its ok, i can tell you this cos i'm not sending it to you
AIM is really helpful here, cos the door creaks open when you come 'home' virtually speaking of course, i greet you just like i always did
and when the AIM door slams again, and youre gone for the night, i say goodnight
we've had a couple of good nights that way darl, shame you don't share that memory with me. We had the judge here one night, if you're interested, he agreed that you should find someone your own age to play with, just it would have been better if you told me before you cheated. i don't think you know how much that hurts. and not seeing you again hurts, but that's the way you want it.
and everynight i say goodnight to the fucker on my desktop, and then shut down
i'm not angry now darl, those flowers are good for calming me down. Pretty much like they used to calm you down when we came back from the pool bar. remember that night you were a bit agro, so i talked you into coming home for some flowers, and we got home (barely speaking to each by this time) but we couldn't find them. One of us must have thrown them out. Boy were you pissed!"!!
do you still get angry darl? my impression of you now is that you don't get as abusive as you used to since you went to dublin, maybe the beer in germany used to set you off. It's starting to piss me off that i'll probably have criminal record in germany because of you, but i was there and i have accept some responsibility.
in a sick kind of a way i hope we do have to go to court, cos that's probably the only time i'll ever see you again.
i guess this was one of those 'rebound' relationships that mostly never work. You just coming out of a marriaget that went bad at some point. you needed someone, and i was so pleased you chose me. but that was just another strike against us, another reason why it was never going to w ork. I like to believe that you really meant the things you said to me, the nice things, cos you're special in a way paul. we were so different, i began to believe it would be ok. Silly me
but like your honour said the other night, you have to go and have some fun, you deserve it and you want it. if it's not me you want now, then that's the way it goes.
we had a lot of fun darl you have to admit. We lurched from one disaster to another. Never knew what neighbour-pissing-off accident or incident we were going to have next. Brian's beer waterfall down the stairs is a classic. I wish I'd seen the housemeister's face when he openedthe door, but i was hiding in the kitchen.
ok, i'm raving like a lunatic here, i just hope you can understand that i have noone else to talk to about you. be patient, i will get over it, give me some time.
i'm going to italy soon, i've booked the tickets, so i'm going. I have to admit i'm scared, not sure what i'm scared of though. maybe i'm scared of being alone, but i think it's more a fear of having fun without you. it seems disloyal somehow. almost like i'd be cheating on you to do something big like that without you. but if i get the chance to have fun i'm going to take it.
i'm really indulging myself tonight, talking about 'us' which is a subject you avoid like the plague. I know that you really don't have anything more to say, what can you say? you've been honest, you couldve lied but you didn't, i can't complain about the way you've handled this. And I'm not complaining, I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. be patient. i just need the occasional acknowlegement sometimes that i didn't just make it all up, and that in fact we never actually had anything together except some good times.
lol, i just realised something funny. I've been talking to you for an hour now and you haven't changed the subject once!! well done. Maybe this is the way to go:-)
I feel better now, thanks for (not) reading this.
