Re:Lust + Time = Love ??? Beren: [quote"> Why does it sometimes take 1, 5, 10+ years to realize something's not right?[/quote">
Whenever I hear about couples who have been together for a long time who suddenly say, "it was never right in the first place," I tend to think that it's bull$hit. Take *any* couple who've been together for *any* amount of time, and imagine them splitting, and try to come up with explanations for why they were never right for each other in the first place. This is remarkably easy to do! Think of any way in which they're similar... oooh! Maybe they're TOO similar! Think of any way in which they're different.... oh my! They're just way too different! I can take my grandparents who just seemed so in love with each other and come up with a nice story for, if they had gotten divorced (which they did not!), why it happened. She was too tired of taking care of him; he thought she talked too much; she didn't like all the time he spent in the garage; he thought she paid more attention to the kids than she did to him. Blah blah blah. Every marriage has within it the seeds to its own success and the seeds to its own demise. Which way it's gonna go depends on the attitudes and wishes of those involved.
Of course, there needs to be some core compatibility, but I don't think it's anything particularly deep. Hell, I think 60% of it might just be attraction. Not just on a physical/sexual level, though that's part of it. Just that if, after spending six months seeing someone, you still find them a pleasure to spend time with, you probably have already proven that you have core compatibility.
Of course, someone's gonna try to make that too complicated too. "What if I think I find his/her company pleasurable, but I'm just fooling myself?" If it turns out to be that complicated, then I think we're all just screwed.
Grizzly Beren
Re:Lust + Time = Love ??? teacherwriterguy: Grizzly Beren,
Was reading your response.
Maybe I simplify it to much, but here's what I think.
Love is about effort. Sure, there's initial attraction, chemistry, compatibility, whatever. That's the part that brings a couple together in the first place.
What makes it last?
Effort. You grow, you change, you hit highs, you hit lows. All those things happen to your spouse/love as well. What keeps it together?
You both have to want it, you both have to be devoted to it, and you both have to refuse to accept any other outcome as an answer.
The moment that one half of the equation stops trying, that's the giant pitfall for love.
You can't predict whether a couple will last or not from watching them early on. You just don't know what life is going to throw their way and how they'll react.
I suppose maybe the best qualities to look for are perserverance, loyalty, and conflict resolution.
It's not that love's a war or a struggle, but sometimes life is. Love can be a casualty of that struggle, I think.
teacherwriterguy
Re:Lust + Time = Love ??? JimB: [quote author=Daniel link=board=6;threadid=8036;start=0#msg63893 date=1108750830">
How do you really know what you're feeling? There have been discussions about love at first site, developing friendships into something more, rebounds, and the works; which are all great in hindsight, but what about the next relationship? Why does it sometimes take 1, 5, 10+ years to realize something's not right? Each person's relationships progress at different paces, so simply having a checklist of things to watch out for might not be enough. And on top of that, if such a list worked it means you can't really trust what you're feeling, because you're not being "objective".
When you fall in love, and I mean really in love, can you feel the difference?
-Daniel
[/quote">
REALLY interesting topic. I used to pull my hair out over stuff like this. ;D
I'm not going to pretend these are universal, but I can give you my own conclusions, based largely on experience. All love (IMO) starts as infatuation, which can be largely physical. If the infatuation sticks over time, or if it develops into something different but equally pleasant, it's love.
The length of time it takes to decide whether or not it's love has to do with the individual personalities of the people involved. Everyone opens up to others in different ways and at different rates. For me, if I feel like I know the other person about as thoroughly as I can, and if that person knows me about as thoroughly as she can (and hasn't run away screaming ;D), it's probably love.
The relationship I'm in right now is probably love for both of us, although neither of us has dropped the "L" word and neither of us show any inclination to. We're just pretty happy with what we have and not overly concerned about defining it. Which is a good thing, when I think about it: after all, we're not really after love, we're after happiness. Love just often feels like the best route to happiness.
Re:Lust + Time = Love ??? LostTeacher: a little side bar, because i just haven't had the time to read everyone's posting.
but i was a little excited about this idea of dating the other day. i went out with a male friend of mine, not really a "date", but nonetheless, it felt like it. he treated me like a lady, letting me order first, help myself first, even PAID for me (don't remember the last time that happened!) i even started to get goosebumps about it.
now, about a month ago, i never thought i would ever feel like that. i thought that my stbxh was the only one i would ever have feelings like that for.
that doesn't mean i expect something to happen with this, but at least i know that those feelings haven't died, and maybe i just will find someone else to love.... :)
Re:Lust + Time = Love ??? ChristyM: I want to expound on my initial post. I think there are two different "relationship ideas" going around here. I think when a relationship is new and you're trying to figure out if you should "work" at it and make more of an effort, you've already answered your question. I think a new relationship should be fun and spontaneous and all about those fluttery feelings. If you have to work at it and put forth all this extra effort then it most likely isn't the relationship you should be in.
As far as a marriage or a long term relationship then most certainly it involves work, constant work as you are always needing to balance your needs with another's. But in the end, the good feelings you get out of the relationship should always outweight the bad.
But starting out I think if you are just not feeling it and find yourself making excuses on why you are staying with that person then it might be time to move on.
Christy
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