Feeling lost Dom: Well, I've been reading allot of stuff on this board and it all sounds like what happened to me. Just two and a half weeks ago the wife and I where having an argument (not a blow out one) when she told me she loved me but was not in love with me. We have been building our dream home for the last 6 months and I have to say I was not ready for that. She said the problem was that she changed 4 years ago and that is when she stopped loving me but tried to learn to again. A little background, I have Generalized Anxiety disorder and must admit made things hard for her. I was always question where she was going and spying on her. Two years ago I realized what I had and got on medication to correct it. I thought things where fine. She would say how happy she was or what a great husband I have am. Now, she has said that she changed 4 years ago and can't change back. It is over and she wants a divorce. She just said yesterday we are married just on paper. How can we go in 4 weeks from I'm a great husband to this? I'm not sure if she is cheating and I really don't want to know. I asked to go to counseling and she refuses. Life can really suck.
We have 1 son that she has said will be 50/50. She is letting me have the house and she is currently shopping for a new one. I am a mess. I never saw this coming. I really thought this was forever and it hurts.
Sorry for all the rambling and thanks for listing.
D
Re:Feeling lost teacherwriterguy: Yep - those are the worst blows. Sounds like your wife had a long running, internal dialogue about how she was changing, what she wanted, etc. and she really didn't share that dialogue with you.
It's easier to say very loving things on the surface, esp. if you are confused or feeling like things are changing, because to say something that hints at the truth opens up conversations about that truth and then life changes. Just like it did when the two of you had your argument.
Once the cat is out of the bag, it's hard to put it back. I think that's part of the reason why people hiding changing feelings for as long as they do.
Doesn't make getting emotionally sucker punched any easier though :(
Everyone says it all the time on here, but that doesn't mean it isn't true: hang in there.
teacherwriterguy
Re:Feeling lost Amira: Just to echo TWG (sorry for abbreviating but I'm getting lazy here today), stay the course.
Likely she's been contemplating this for a long time and has had time to mourn the marriage which makes it seem as though she's suddenly over it when actually she's been going through the process for months. Or, she could just be saying that now. Us girls go nuts sometimes and don't know what we want (no offense intended to any other females I am just speaking for myself).
I highly recommend that you get the book "Divorce Busting" or "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner Davis and implement her techniques STAT. It may help you save things if there is a possibility of saving them. Where there is life there is hope.
However, I would say you need to get busy. I complain all the time on the board about how I have no personal time and it's basically true, but I am terrified what will happen when this show is over and I suddenly have time on my hands again. Not that talking to all of you is not fun and rewarding in its own right, but I have a bad habit of holing up in the house by myself for days at a time which just seems to make things worse.
You're not alone.
And I will just say this too--although again all I'm doing is echoing other people on this board. The whole "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" is a huge crock. Love changes, it doesn't stay exciting and on fire all the time, but it does come back around in a circle if you give it time and god forbid I mention it, effort?!
Do something nice for yourself and give your wife some space. Don't waste time arguing with her. And if she won't go to marital counseling, go yourself. It will help you and who knows, maybe she'll decide to join you. Either way, try to keep things even at home for your son.
Re:Feeling lost feelindown: Hey, welcome to OJAR! This is the place that helped me when my stbx said about the same as yours.
I still don't know what she is wanting to do. It has been 4 months and I haven't heard a word since she moved out and filed. I worry about an affair, too. Something is changing in this world. Marriage doesn't mean anything to some people. I think that money, success, etc. blinds people.
Hang in there, keep your promises that you have made. It is going to be a tough road ahead for you. I've gone down some of that road, it isn't fun. Your road might be more bumpy than mine cause of the child, help him get through it.
She left me with the house also. I don't want it anymore, it is so lonely and empty. All the joy that we shared in the house haunts me now.
Keep checking OJAR for support. It really does help, at least at first. Like me, I don't want to think about divorce anymore and only check in once in a while.
Good luck! I hope it works out. Remember - how you act with all this going on will let people know what kind of person you are.
:)
Re:Feeling lost Dom: Thank you for all the supporting messages! I have to been reading alot of doc's on the website www.divorcerecovery101.com have I have to say it is getting better (today anyway). My fav is doc was "Bury Your Marriage, It Died"
She has been house shopping up all weekend and she has all the bills figured out Pre and Post divorce. It is crazy how in one month my world has completly changed. It seems the marriage died or her a long time ago but never had ne guts to tell me. Or, maybe she needed to have someone else waiting for her when she was done with me. Not sure.
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