Re:I feel so stupid lone star: please listen to your lawyer's advice. trust me...I have been cheated on and you will never get what you want from him. even if he is sincere-his apology may not be enough, he will never offer the sympathy you want, he will never really understand what you're going through. Unless you believe in your heart that there is a chance that you both can work through this and stay married--I don't think revenge will help ease the pain or fill the void, or answer all of the questions you have. It may be a temporary fix but it won't be a longterm solution.
Right now you need to do what is best for you. I'm speaking from experience when I say...take care of yourself!! Make sure you have the financial security you need (from him), go to the gym (it helps with depression), eat healthy food and take plenty of vitamins, go out with friends so you can be distracted and start going to a therapist.
These are all proactive things that you can do...so that when you go through the grieving process you have a "life jacket" in a sense that will keep you afloat. You have had to be an investigator--to find out what your husband was doing. Even that can serve as a distraction from the real pain of what you are discovering along the way. I went through this and found that I became obsessed with finding out the truth--even when I found almost everything out about his lies and cheating...I wasn't satisfied. I kept believing there was more to know. I kept asking were there more lies, more women, more secrets?
This can be a very destructive time for you and you need to suit up with every piece of "armor" that you have so that you can preserve your sanity and stay healthy.
Re:I feel so stupid OldSchool: I think it's advisible to totally focus on yourself right now. You'll want answers, since you've obviously done some detective work already. If you're heart is set on filing for divorce, then it's in your best interest to listen to your lawyer. So many things can backfire, if you plan to surprise him on his trip.
It's better to remain invisible through all of this, to give yourself some time to make some really tough decisions for yourself. In a sense you'll need to plan, living arrangements, possible counselling for yourself, assets, your personal health, etc... All he's going to do is add to the manipulation that he's been applying to the marraige. You'll need to be tactical and smart. Pick your battles, and give yourself some control at least of your emotions. He may be able to manipulate the marraige, take certain assets, or drive your self-esteem to a low point, but he CANNOT TAKE YOUR SOUL!!! That thing inside you that drives you and keeps you going. I found out how strong I could become during the most difficult situations during my separation and divorce.
Be strong, keep seeking counsel, and be good to yourself in the meantime.
OS
Re:I feel so stupid Spectrum: Hey Minneapolis,
Duluth here!
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, as I can definitely relate. There is nothing quite like finding that first piece of evidence. It's like a loose thread on a sweater... You pull on it, and suddenly everything else comes out and the sweater falls apart.
My ex also cheated, and I also discovered he was about to take a vacation with his OW while supposedly out doing other things. While he was gone I got the paperwork set up, moved several choice items out of the house that I knew he would argue over, got *all* the financial records, titles, etc. out of the house so he couldn't stash them somewhere and then when everything was ready I called him up on his vacation and told him he was busted.
If you really want to do this thing in style, go ahead and ruin his romantic weekend. Wait until he is *in* Cancun with her, then call him (does he have a cell phone?) or call the hotel where he is staying and tell him he's busted and that you have proof. Shock the heck out of him.... he'll spend the rest of his weekend in a living hell with his OW, who will be freaking out, and meanwhile he's stuck in Cancun as you do whatever it is you need to do to finish getting the upper hand on this divorce.
Yes, it's mean and probably petty. But you know what? I took so much comfort and satisfaction after getting this tiny opportunity to remind my ex who he was dealing with that the relativley minor guilt was worth it!
Good luck, and big hugs. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Spectrum.
Re:I feel so stupid Sad Eyes: Minneapolis~
Hi! Welcome to Ojar! :) I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...it really sucks holding it in doesn't it? Stay strong...
I completely agree with Spectrum here...100%!!! I think you should let them go on vacation and call them and let them know that you know and give them the surprise of their lives...they deserve it! Both of them and you deserve to ruin their weekend and NOT feel guilty about it...they are ruining your marriage aren't they??? You deserve to ruin a vacation...trust me on that one. Why not give them a little bit of your living hell? It's harmless and while he is away you get your chance to get things together and tie up lose ends. Harmless revenge can be sweet! ;) People on here may disagree BUT it is harmless if that is all you do.
I like how Spec brought up the sweater with the string...that is a perfect example!!! Good one Spec!
Stay strong and get things in order. Letting them know that you are on to them on their little love vacation is not wrong....you have every right to ruin their moment and feel guilt free about it. That is how I feel.....
Wishing you all the best!
SE
Re:I feel so stupid barelybreathing: You shouldn't feel stupid but incredibly sad that he is living this double life. He has no honor and zero integrity for you, for this other woman and mostly for himself. It's pathetic.
Adultery is the worst feeling in the world. I would of rather been slapped in the face and told I was worthless then to be looked in the face and told that that there is nothing going on.
Revenge gets you nowhere. He will dig his own grave all by himself.
What you should do is prepare yourself for a major overhaul of your life as you knew it with him. You will now embark on an arduous journey of self renewal.
I have nothing kind to speak of about adultery. The only thing I got out of the horrible experience is a reminder of my beliefs, my morals and my boundaries as a human being. I would rather live out the rest of my life alone (without a romantic partner) than to risk being exposed to infidelity again.
You are still in the very early stages of this. You are going to feel every emotion in the book and you are even going to behave in ways you will later regret. If I can offer any advice as one that has been there, done that is this......
Feel those emotions....its "crucial" in your recovery. But only in a healthy and productive manner.
Use this time to take care of you. Be selfish. Super selfish.
Vengence is not fruitful. Take the high road. You will feel so much better for it.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Pardon him for his stupidity and selfishness. I am not saying take him back or anything like that. God no. I am just saying, don't waste one moment of your precious life hating him or worrying about him.
Work on you, mind, body and spirit. Living well is truly the best revenge.
My prayers are with you, I know you are in pain......just remember to breathe.
BB
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