so alone even though I am not whoamI: I guess I will start by telling you that I am less than a month away from my divorce being final. My husband and I would have been celebrating our 6th anniversary this year. We have two beautiful children. When I first met my husband he was amazing. He also did drugs. He introduced me to hard drugs. I hated them. He made it appear as though he only used on special occassions. After my son was born almost 5 years ago, I started to really put my foot down. I hated the money that he spent and I hated his new friends. As time went on the lies became more frequent. He spent less and less time at home and left me wondering what to do. He swore that he loved me and that he would never use again, but he lied. I filed for divorce in December of 2003. By January he had worked his way back to me and I thought he was doing well. I found out in June that he lied. We moved to TN in August to try to get away and start over. He lasted a week before he was back into it. I am now living with my father and my two children back in IN. When we got back from TN he went into an IOP program. He quit after 2 weeks. I wasted another 6 months thinking he was trying, only to find out I was wrong again. I know that the divorce is absolutely the best and right thing. I do not even like him anymore and I am certainly not in love with hime anymore. I just don't understand why I feel so down. Why I feel so alone. I know that I do not know who I am anymore, I guess I really haven't known for a long time. I realize that all this time I have been blaming him for this horrible life and now if I screw this up, the only person responsible is me. I am so confused and so scared. I hope my children understand when they get older that this was what was necessary. Anyone understand??
Re:so alone even though I am not whoamI: I see that many have read but no reply's. I wanted to make it clear that I do NOT do drugs. I stayed for as long as I did, because in the beginning it was not this bad. He has gone completely down hill in the last 2 years. I cried, I screamed, I begged, I did absolutely everything I could to get him to stop. Through all of the hell I can honestly walk away knowing that I did everything right. I never cheated, even when he did. I never put my own needs in front of his, even when he did. I never put myself before my children, like he did. I fought a hard battle. I know I didn't lose the battle, I just don't feel like I won. I have been reading unsent letters and other posts. I know that I suffer the same feelings as many of you. Why does it hurt when it doesn't even matter anymore. Why do I feel alone when I am no more alone than I was when he was with me. My mind goes 100 miles per hour and I can't seem to get anything accomplished. I just want to be me, whoever me is.
Re:so alone even though I am not paul76: whoami--
Sorry no one replied quicker!
You did the right thing by leaving. Drugs are never a mix with raising a family.
I think that when two people spend a long time together, they kind of merge and become one entity. You feed off each other emotionally, physically, and spiritually everyday. It will take some time for you to separate from that and find your true self again.
I am struggling with the same thing...trying to find the real me...I would think most divorced people feel this at some point.
Just know that you will find yourself in time and when you do, you wont remember the journey there being so long.
Re:so alone even though I am not Chey: Welcome aboard :)
This sounds like such an awful thing for you to have gone through and I'm sure we're only hearing the surface of what you both have gone through.
The lonliness...completely natural. It's never easy to accept the end of something you had such high hopes in. Do you have a good support network that you can rely on through all of this?
This is never an easy road to travel, but it's the best one for you and your children....and that's what you need to take comfort in.
Chey
Re:so alone even though I am not whoamI: I guess as far as a support system I feel like I can't talk about this to my family. They have wanted this for so long that I think they assume I should just be okay. It is a signal to them that I will take him back. I don't want him back. The complete seperation from the person I have shared my life with for the last 6 years, the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with, and on and on, has reared its ugly head. Tomorrow I may be feeling better, but today I am scared and lonely. They don't seem to understand, even though they have all been divorced numerous times.
Click More for the next page.
