New here...Not sure where to start Jargon: Hi there!
I'm kinda new at all this. I finally came to the monumental decision to leave my husband of 2 1/2 years. I can't live as a second rate citizen any more.
The background: We met and married in the space of 4 months. Looking back, we should have waited. But we were young (23) and in love and the war with Iraq was looming on the horizon. He was an active duty marine at the time and it was certain that he would be sent. So we got married. And for the first year and a half we were very happy.
We both desperatly wanted children. So we tried to get pregnant. No luck. I had a miscarriage and never concieved again. He then lost all interest in me sexually. Any physical affection from him was given on a contingancy basis. (ie: "I'll give you a kiss *if* you clean up the kitchen")
He got out of the military about this time last year and we moved to my hometown so that I could finish the last few classes I had to complete my degree. I landed a job that I love and he landed one that he didn't like but it payed decent and he was qualified for it.
He started complaining about the job. He hates it. He hates the guy he has to work with. But day after day, he refuses to look for another job. Day after day, he sits on the computer and plays games.
I'm working part time right now and going to school full time.
He is angry that I am not there to fetch and carry for him. I should be there to run out and get him whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He is a grown man and is incapable of doing anything for himself.
I recently got very sick. I developed pneumonia, bronchitis, strep throat and an ear infection all at the same time (I work with kids. They are often contagious :))
I also have asthma.
He smokes.
He threw a huge fit and we got into a massive arguement because I asked him to smoke outside while I was sick and recovering.
Obviously, I mean less to him than a pack of cigarettes.
I came home last night to a house filled with smoke. It was a thick haze.
I had an asthma attack.
He blamed me for making him so stressed out that he has to smoke.
Every arguement we have is the same. Its all MY fault that everything goes wrong in his life. Its all MY fault that he has it so rough.
He has no sense of personal responsablity. He believes that everything is my fault and I am just slacking and not being a good wife to him.
Let me reiterate: He places no value on my health.
He shows me no physical affection.
He hates my family and resents the time I spend with them.
I've finally pulled my head out of the sand and realized that this marriage is a train wreck. I've tried so hard to make it work and he is totally unwilling to do anything to remedy the situation.
I've moved out of the apartment into my moms house. I don't know where to go from here.
Re:New here...Not sure where to start whoamI: Hello! I am new also. My stbxh had many of the same characteristics. No job, letting other people pay our bills, while I worked and went to school and took care of our children. He wasn't rude to me in the sense that he blamed it all me, he was just a big pitty party for himself. Oh poor him. There are quite a few things you can't do without in a marriage, but one of the top 5 is respect. Not only for your spouse but for yourself. Yours and mine obviously don't have respect.
Re:New here...Not sure where to start Jargon: Yes! Exactly, every day is a pity party with him at the center of it. "poor me, pity me"
He will not do anything unless there is an immediate benifit to him. He does NOT want to pay off the credit card bills and elimiate them. He wants to take that money and buy a new car and get us in even more debt.
Re:New here...Not sure where to start teacherwriterguy: You ended your initial note with: "I don't know where to go from here."
How did he react to your moving out? That's a first step towards figuring out what you want.
Was it a wake-up call for him? Or just more of the same?
Have the two of you talked since you moved out? Is he clear on the reasons why? At least as clear as we are here at ojar after reading your first post?
I know the decision to move out seems very final. Take a deep breath first though. Vent out all that anger, and see what's left.
Then make your choices!
teacherwriterguy
Re:New here...Not sure where to start Jargon: He has no reaction that he is showing.
He keeps talking about how bad he wants to move back to Texas and be with his parents. But he never gets up enough gumption to actually do it. He has no ties to this town except for me.
I told him when I was leaving that the only thing preventing him from doing what he wanted was himself.
He just doesn't care enough about anything to do anything.
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