Re: Need Support barelybreathing: achingallover-
We in the family law business call it, "a mystery".
There is no explaination as to why people in a relationship give up. Why they have no fight left in them. IMO, I think certian people cannot handle the fight because they are so caught up in the thoughts of all that water under the bridge syndrome.
I too, often say to myself, "geez, what the heck happened here". We had far more assets than deficits in our relationship. I truly view our problems of one that were circumstantial rather then a norm of what it was like for us together. I mean, for seven years, it was very healthy and very solid. Then we have a baby and move out of state and we just fell apart. When we reached that point, we both cracked in our own way. He,with an affair and me with complete depression. Completely the antithesis of what we were about as individuals and as a couple.
So many people just feel so defeated, they lose the will to fight for the relationship. Its hard for us fighters to wrap outselves around because it is the complete opposite of our thinking. Just as men and woman are wired differently, so aren't people in the way they handle conflict and crisis. Some people just can't handle it. Its easier to cut the losses than work at it.
This had been the hardest thing for me to learn is that my level of understanding is different from his level of understanding. Never the two shall meet. We can't wire ourselves to think like the other. I do believe that if we had the opportunity to seek couples counseling we may have been able to muster empathy for the other's side. Its kind of silly really. Whose pain is more. Who was hurt more. Justifying why we said what we did or why we acted the way we did. Its almost like a contest of who can top who on the pain meter. I forget that he too has pain. I just am in no sympathetic mood to recognize his over mine, because he will never know what an affair feels like.
Okay, I am rambling and getting off track here, my response is this........there is no answer. Divorce is a mystery. We will never be able to solve it or understand it. Especially when there was more love than disdain in the relationship and there were more good times together than there were bad. You just get use to shaking your head in total bafflement.......
BB
Re: Need Support achingallover: Yeh, I know you guys are right...it is a mystery. It simply cannot understand the mindset...I guess I never will.
And yes, JimB, luckily I am in therapy and I don't know how ANYONE gets through this mess without being! YIKES! :o The irony of the situation is that I am in the process of getting my masters in marriage and family therapy and art therapy. So I'm getting healthier and a better view of my life - and he is not sticking around to do this with me. Irony. I think Alanis Moresette writes a song about it...
Anywho, I love a good mystery - as long as I am given time to get to the bottom of it! Unfortuatnley, he is not giving me that option and that BITES! It bites for everyone that has to go through it. I think to get a divorce you ought to have to write a 10 page typed essay about why you are divorcing the other person. I think an explination is in order here! But honestly, I don't think HE knows why he's leaving, except he's too scared to go into couples therapy and work on this and he can't live with me anymore with out help. God, isn't that weak! Just writing that out...man...ugh!
