STANDSTEAL! JASPER: I sit here everyday giving advice and opinions to people on this board.I sit here listening to all the horror stories of this whole process.I haven't posted my own thread in sometime because I seem to be at some kind of stand steal in my relationship.I don't even know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing at this point we have been seperated for a month yet we still manage to see each other everyday mostly because he wants to.And I go because I either feel guilty or lonely.I dont know what I'm trying to accomplish with this type of behavior I only know it is slowing down the process.We did agree to see other people as long as we keep it hush but how am I to do that when he is trying to get me to spend the night everynight.Why do I continually feel guilty about not wanting to go.How do I tell him I think we need some space apart from each other emotionaly as well as physically?I think I do these things because I'm afraid if I dont go someone else will how do I let go of these feelings if I don't want to be with him why am I so concerned about who does?Sorry for the rambling just feel so stuck and confused today.
Re: STANDSTEAL! atd74: Jasper,
Your confusion and mixed emotions is highly understandable and IMO what's making this harder is the fact that you see each other every day yet you've agreed to not be together. IMO a separation should be just that - YOU SEPARATE AND YOU DON'T SEE EACH OTHER. This was a concept my ex couldn't grasp. Several times he approached me about a separation and I would agree and he wouldn't be able to do it - he wanted things his way and it sounds a lot like your situation.
The separation should be a time for you each to get your head together and thoughts together and figure out for yourself what you want from yourself and the other person, what can you give to the relationship and vice versa. This should be a time when you are both on your own figuring out first if this is something you want to pursue (continuing being married) and can you both do it and how do you do it.
You can't clear your head and have your own thoughts when you are always around each other mixing things up. You need to tell him honestly that if you guys are going to try and do this you need emotional and physical space from one another. If he can't give that to you then I hate to say it but he's selfish and it won't work.
How does that saying going about setting something free?
Re: STANDSTEAL! hurtingverymuch: I'd have to agree with atd74. You should probably just be separate and give each other the space you both need to decide and come to terms with what each of you want. It won't be easy, believe me, but it's probably for the best.
The hardest thing I've had to watch was my s2bx move out this past weekend.
When this whole thing first started a little over a month ago, my initial reaction was for him to move into the basement, that way he would still get to see our son and I would still have that "comfort" of his presence. After reading the responses to my original thread, some deep thinking and soul searching, and a little bit of strength, finally decided that it would probably be better if he moved out, if I ever wanted to move forward. Actually, we both agreed on this because it wasn't working for him either (not giving him his space and cramping his social life as a single person?).
I always thought it would be easier for me emotionally if I could see him every day but actually found as time progressed that it was HARDER on me seeing him every day knowing that we weren't together any more.
I'm not saying it hasn't been difficult and lonely without him there but not seeing him has been alot easier on my heart.
I hope this helps a little and my thoughts are with you and hope that everything works out for you.
Hurt
