New Found Insecurities SunnyFlower: I have been seperated/divorced going on 2 years now. I still mourn the demise of my marriage--10 years and one child later I expect I need a lot of time before everything scars over.
I have since my divorce found THE perfect man for me. I mean it with my whole heart that I never knew I could be happier with someone. He never ceases to amaze me--he's everything I've ever wanted, as well as everything I never knew I wanted. My son adores him and he's in love with my son as well.
We have made serious plans to buy a house and move in together. He's told me I wouldn't have to work full time anymore and could drop hours at my job to be a more attentive mother. What does all of this mean to me? Financial security, the oppurtunity to spend more time with my son, the chance to make a HOME with someone, and someone to try and MAKE it in this world with instead of burning the candle at both ends trying to do it alone. There is no one I'd rather make this commitment with than this sweet, kind man--my best friend.
What does this ALSO mean to me? New insecurities that cause me to think and rethink my situation and this relationship I'm in. I know it mostly has to do with being hurt in the past. I'm so afraid to put myself out there and risk disappointment even thoughI know in my heart I have everything I've ever wanted right in front of me. I make excuses. I pick fights. My mood is unpredictable. His response to my on again/off again attitude is never anything less than love, patience and understanding.
It's like I almost want to hurt him and push him away from me so I can tell myself "See? ALL men ARE a$$holes!"
I can SEE that's what I'm doing and I know why, but I can't stop myself. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and if so, what can I do to stop the insanity in my head?
Re:New Found Insecurities JimB: You know, I tend to do some of the same things in my relationships. Always have. My ex referred to them as "love tests", and she took them very personally. I've done my best to move away from that pattern of behavior, but it still pops up from time to time.
But I don't think you need to worry. IMO, what you're feeling is very natural. Any long term relationship is going to have to be strong enough to deal with the quirks and foibles of the individuals who are in it. Everybody picks a fight with their SO every once in a while. Everybody gets moody from time to time. If the person you're with is the one you're meant to be with, that person will understand. It sounds like your man understands.
There's no need to be in a hurry to move on. As you said yourself, there is still some healing to be done. If he cares for you enough to hang with you - and even help you - through your healing process, all the better. As long as the lines of communication are open betwen the two of you and he understands exactly where you are coming from, I don't see any need for you to worry about your imperfect healing process. Nobody heals in a straight line - there are ups and downs along the way.
And give yourself some credit for recognizing your own behavior for what it is. Seeing yourself doing things you don't like is the first critical step. From there, it's a very simple matter to move into apologizing to him for your moods and your behavior (which you may already do - you didn't say). We all screw up from time to time, but as long as you feel remorse, and express it to him, he won't wonder if you're a sociopath. ;D And once you're doing that consistently, you can then start nipping things in the bud - catching yourself in the middle of saying or doing something you don't want to, and stopping yourself. Again, these things take time, but you've got all the time in the world. Just think of it as part of the lifelong process of becoming the best person you can possibly be.
Re:New Found Insecurities gumby55555: [quote author=JimB link=board=6;threadid=8510;start=0#msg67455 date=1109865508">
And give yourself some credit for recognizing your own behavior for what it is. Seeing yourself doing things you don't like is the first critical step. From there, it's a very simple matter to move into apologizing to him for your moods and your behavior (which you may already do - you didn't say). We all screw up from time to time, but as long as you feel remorse, and express it to him, he won't wonder if you're a sociopath. ;D And once you're doing that consistently, you can then start nipping things in the bud - catching yourself in the middle of saying or doing something you don't want to, and stopping yourself. Again, these things take time, but you've got all the time in the world. Just think of it as part of the lifelong process of becoming the best person you can possibly be.
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Wow, another great post, Jim! I think this is perfectly applicable to any behaviour we might want to improve in a relationship... great advice!
Re:New Found Insecurities browngreen: Hey,
With awareness comes change....
My gut is telling me you aren't ready. He may be the one. But nevertheless, take it slowly, let your mind catch up to your emotions.
I rushed into my M and paid dearly for it.
Also, although he is offereing you the life you maybe always wanted, there's comfort in the familiar, and the learning curve is substantial. Do you maybe think he good be too good to be true?
Follow your instincts, your brain might be smarter than your emotions right now.
BG
Re:New Found Insecurities SunnyFlower: Ah, Jim...the perpetual fountain of knowledge! ;) (Good to see an old timer like myself, BTW.)
Thanks everyone for all of your insight.
I definitely agree that with recognition comes change: you can't fix what you don't own first. ::) At least I've taken the first step.
After much talking (and apologizing for/explaining my erratic behavior), we've made the agreement to handle these feelings I may be having as they surface, instead of letting them fester(hoping they'll go away, which often leads into one of these "outbursts" from me!).
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