Re:Horrible question... LostTeacher: a great question.
i know some people who think that they have given up on relationships period. now that she has been through this, she doesn't think it's worth putting herself out there again.
i, on the other hand, really like being in a safe relationship, although i think my personal needs have changed. i would want the person i was with to be honest and trustworthy, and able to talk about their feelings and problems. not wait for months before telling me that it's been over for a while, and then tell me that he just couldnt' talk to me about it, and that was the problem.
i probably wouldn't also be as likely to casually date. i don't know, i have never really been into that. i want stability, and knowing that i am loved and cared for. so i might be more picky, and i may not be as likely to work on something i think is not going anywhere.
Re:Horrible question... clambakesX: Terrific question, lemondrop!
I see potential romance/flirt-partners as MUCH more "disposable" now than I used to do. My standards are a lot higher, I know what I need, and I'm getting better at giving up before the investment is significant at all.
A marriage, though, I'd be more committed to than I was to the first one. I never really felt married - Clambake most certainly did not show the loyalty to me that I'd expect from a REAL husband. (I don't mean to demonize him. He's working through his issues - he'd never known he could question his parents.) *If* I marry again, it'll be one I believe in, with someone who's a full and equal partner committed to my growth and independence AND to his own.
Most importantly, I'm *much* more committed to myself than I was before my first "marriage", and getting stronger every day. Like "Griz" says, that can only be good for a marriage.
Re:Horrible question... JimB: I do like this question too. Made me think for quite a while.
My way of thinking has definitely changed, but I don't think it's about seeing a relationship as any more or less "disposable" than before. One of my biggest errors in my marriage was putting a high priority on maintaining a sort of detachment from my wife. In short, even several years into my marriage, I was still a commitmentphobe - there was still something holding me back from diving in headlong. Since the divorce, I can pat myself on the back and suggest that behavior was just my instincts - something was wrong, and I knew it on a gut level and protected myself. Regardless, I didn't ever really feel like I'd thrown myself in headlong.
In my current relationship, I'm still detached to some degree. But I'm more comfortable with that in this context than I was in the marriage. Maybe it's because I sense that she is the same in that area. Then again, I would do a lot to save this relationship - I'm convinced she's a quality person, and wouldn't want to lose her.
I think the root of your question lies in the sort of intangible feeling we get from surviving a divorce. Something along the lines of "I now know I can survive the end of the relationship that means more than anything in the world to me." It's bound to affect your thought process in new relationships, because some of the magic of marriage lies in not allowing yourself to think what would happen if you opened the Pandora's box of divorce. Now we know, and you can't unlearn what you've learned.
Kind of a depressing thought, but when I consider it, I wouldn't trade the strength I've gained from going through this trial for anything. Just as I wouldn't care to go back and be a baby again, I wouldn't give up my life experience. It's my life, such as it is.
Whew - that train of thought was hard to stop once it built up some steam.... ::)
Re:Horrible question... in_search_of: I think that I see the bad relationships, the ones that are not healthy, or not right for some reason as more disposable, I am certain that I am able to live on my own and be alone, so I can get rid of all sorts of toxic people in my life much more readily than I could in the past. I am not afraid of being alone and all the things that lead me to a marriage that failed, and was not particularly healthy.
HOWEVER,
And here is the trick, my good relationships are much less disposable, I now have the ability to see a good relationship and not do things to screw them up, because I know what about them are healthy. For instance, the relationship that I have right now is great and I can see it going somewhere, and therefore I will fight to keep it in good shape. Its really a matter of getting past the first post divorce jitters, and getting away from all the unhealthy patterns that many of us have formed (and I made plenty! ! ! ! !! )
Re:Horrible question... ChristyM: Wow ISO, I totally say "ditto" to your post.
Christy
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