Re:I need strength Chase: Thanks Noescape,
In this last week, which started with me finally asking her to relent and at least let me indicate if I ever wanted to hold her hand.. then me breaking and checking her mobile phone and finding she had called OM again, then finding out it was for his birthday, which is 2 days after mine, and he's a Pisces just like me, and that the little hope I'd salvaged when I discovered she had been looking at the Pisces horoscopes.. thinking she was actually interested in me.. was probably her being interested in OM! So I started the week feeling like I was actually making some tiny little inroads, and my plan was on track, then moved on to an argument about OM and her attacking me for invading her privacy, and how could she live with someone who checked her phone.. and then she stopped all physical contact.. not even pecks on the cheek anymore. And then, she's applied for a new job (we work together at the moment), and the new job, believe it or not is only about 3/4s of her current salary, but she never even consulted me about it (I'd support her decision), or talked about how we would deal with losing 1/10th of our total income.. then she said, yesterday morning, that we needed to "equalise" our finances, and also that we needed to talk about some stuff _before_ we saw a marriage counsellor. Finally, yesterday evening, when I say "OK, let's talk about it", she has to be feeling "strong" before she talks about it, and the same applies to the talk about finances.
I think the writing is on the wall! I think she is going to say, there's no point seeing a marriage counsellor if you think it's all going to be about restoring our marriage. And if she's going to put conditions on marriage counselling... then really what's the point?
Chase
Re:I need strength justme15: hey chase
myabe the conditions will lead to more if you just go. I wish mine would go but he is to manly..lol
pooh
Re:I need strength Chey: Oh Chase :( You know I don't really know what to say that might be the "magic words"..or even if there are. You know it's something you want to work on, so I guess having patience right now is your best defence against this. Preparing for the worst is always a smart thing to do, and it's realistic...but at least you're pushing to try every avenue of help at your disposal.
Interestingly it sounds like you've learned a LOT about yourself too since you started this journey.
Take care of YOUR needs ok. Big hug and we're here for you.
Chey
Re:I need strength NoEscape: hmm--I see your point. How could she live with someone who checks her cell phone? Well how can you live with someone who calls OM while pretending to work on your marriage? --I dunno Chase. In my 9 years of knowing my wife I have never not trusted her. Ever. After the EA--I had no trust in her. However---I maintain that if I never find what I found---things may have gone further with OM. At this point I trust her for the most part--but I have my lapses. Back to you--the marriage counseling will help. When I went with my wife she told me flat out that "we have different goals in seeing a marriage counselor" my goal was to reconcile...her goal was to have the counselor help me deal with the fact that things were over. Beyond all of this chase is that I really had to change to have my wife buy into the new me. I swallowed my pride and suspicions for like 3 weeks before she started to give a little. And even then she was still talking with OM...although not quite the same way as before..
The last 3 weeks I believe all that has stopped and we have been very happy.
Call me a cynic but I find it very hard to fathom that a woman would not want to try to work things out with her husband and the father of her children unless there was something else to it...
My wife will deny it to this day but I am sure when she wanted a divorce there was no doubt in my mind the OM was going to be all over her the moment she left.
You have been working on this a long time Chase and I know its IMMENSELY difficult. Try the counseling--be strong--I know you feel she doesnt care about you--but she does--it just may be buried so deep its next to impossible to bring it out. Tell her to try the counseling for like 90 days and if it doesnt work you can get a divorce. Thats what I told my wife to get her to go...good luck.
Re:I need strength dj: Chase...I would agree with justme15 above...you HAVE this strength! You have realized for quite some time the direction that things were going it and you have been preparing yourself for just such an eventuality. I totally understand where you are coming from with the still wanting to work things out with your wife...I was in your shoes not so many months ago. Now, our stories certainly aren't exactly the same, but I spent many months waiting for my wife to "decide" whether she wanted to be married to me or not. One day, I realized that she was not the only one that needed to make such a decision. I had to do some serious soul-searching myself to "decide" if it was really what I wanted...and you know what...it WASN'T.
I realized that I deserved to be treated better than I was by my wife. I deserve a woman that loves me, and that doesn't decide that running off with another man is a better option than being married to me. I shouldn't have to beg for her love...her touch. If she wasn't going to give it to me of her own free will, she wasn't worthy of me and my love in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong...I still have some feelings for my (now) ex-wife...I always will, but what I am saying is that YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS YOU ARE BEING TREATED! Nobody does.
Anyway...just my two cents...
dj
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