some of you out there in the same position? inebr: I am wondering if there are some of you out there in the same position I am as far as being still married to someone who keeps saying they don't want to be married ...yet haven't yet filed for divorce.
What is going on in this case? I feel ABSOLUTELY crazy ...and today has so far been horrible. I woke up at 4am and started crying. I went out to the other room (where he's been sleeping) and we talked a little.
I asked him if he had told his family his feelings about wanting to divorce. He said no but that they knew something by the way he talked to them.
Some days I feel really strong in this situation, trying to hold on and let this run it's course, whatever the outcome. But today feels really bad. I'm feeling like a needy pathetic loser today. And that just makes things worse at home.
I still feel like if he wants to divorce then he should file for divorce, that I could respect that. But every day that goes by I think that because of the fact that he hasn't filed that it is because he didn't want to for some reason. And therefore I have hope that he is having a change of heart, or at least isn't set on getting a divorce quite yet. And that puts so much pressure on me to "be good" as to not give him any more reasons to go ahead with it.
I just am complaining for the most part. I don't know, maybe I should just file myself.... I can't bring myself to that, I don't even want to think about it....
Re: some of you out there in the same position? atd74: inebr,
I have been in your situation with my now ex husband. In my own opinion it sounds like you husband does not want to take responsibility for the divorce. With my ex he was the one who approached me in the beginning a few times about divorce (long story you'll have to read some past posts) but couldn't go through with it and eventually made things so difficult for us to work together to make a change that he "forced" me into filing.
He wanted a quick fix several times but "loved me" and didn't want the divorce but didn't want to work at our marriage and gave me nothing but a hard time, emotionally abandoned me and did nothing but destroy us both. He couldn't handle anything - not even filing so I had to do it.
IMO if your husband is telling you he doesn't want to be married - he's said his peace and it sounds like he's repeated his peace several times enough for him to know what he really wants. He's waiting for you to finalize it. Maybe another reason is that your H is just too weak. There's always a strong one and a weaker person in each relationship. I was the stronger one and it sounds like you will have to be too.
I know you love him. Believe me I was madly in love with my ex but I knew I deserved better. Why should you stay with someone for the convienience of the marriage. You're sleeping in separate rooms, he hasn't told his family about the divorce and my guess is because he's embarrased or shamed because it's HIS decision - he probably feels like a failure. But everyone is human. I had to realize that with my ex too.
He's told you what he wants clearly and now it's up to you to make the final decision. You can either stay in an unhappy marriage, sleeping in separate rooms while he treats you like dirt or you can start moving on with your life no matter how hard it may be and work towards a better future. That better future will include someone who WANTS to be married to you and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated - like gold.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Re: some of you out there in the same position? hurtingverymuch: Sorry that you're going through this inebr. I'm not in the same position as you and don't know if I can offer anything but support for you.
My situation was different, as my s2bx cheated on me and he's the one who wanted the separation/divorce. After all the begging and pleading I did didn't change his mind and this was the course he still wanted to take, I was the one who took the initial step and went and saw a lawyer, although making it perfectly clear that I was not the who wanted the divorce but it was him.
As far as that goes, the lawyer that I've seen is drawing up the separation papers, divorce to come at a later date. My s2bx and I had sat down and come to an agreement about most of the major stuff like finances, the house, etc. This is the info that I gave the lawyer and that is what he is basing the documentation on.
As far as I know my s2bx has yet to go see a lawyer which is okay with me. The last thing I need is some lawyer trying to get more fees out of us, trying to tell my s2bx that he could do better than what him and I had agreed upon.
If he really wants the divorce he should file. Have you guys actually sat down and talked about if this is really what he wants and both your feelings on ending the relationship or possibly getting help?
I know all about that hope that you talked about in your post about him changing his mind. Even though I have set the wheels in motion legally I still grasp onto that slim chance that someday we can reconcile. But I am also trying to come to terms with reality that there probably won't be a chance for us and that I need to start moving forward, no matter how slowly it may be. He moved out this weekend and that has provided a little bit of closure.
I'm sorry to have turned this post into stuff about me. My only suggestion would be to actually sit down and talk honestly and openly about what you both want. You may not like what you hear but that may be able to point you in the direction you should take.
Sorry for not being much help. Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you.
Hurt
Re: some of you out there in the same position? INCT: inebr,
I was in the same boat. My ex-wife told me she was leaving, she started living a her "single life" right away. As much as I didn't want a divorce, I had to take the bull by the horns and file. I couldn't start re-building until it was over and done.
anyway, for me it was starting the process of building my life again.
INCT
Re: some of you out there in the same position? itwillgetbetter: Sounds like you are in limbo and personally, I think that is the worst place to be. If he told you he wants out I think you should listen to him or 3 months or 3 years from now you will be getting divorced saying why did I waste this time with him. IMHO, I would tell him if he wants the divorce, then he needs to move out so you can start your separate lives.
I know it is unfair. He made the decision and know you have to enforce it. However, if you don't you will just be dragging out the pain (yours).
I wish you the best.
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