If I remember, you left me. hdad: Been awhile since I posted but I need help on this one. My stbx (split Oct/Nov 02, divorce in N.C. has to wait 1 year) who left me and hangs out with her "friend" everyday, has started badgering me. I have tried to keep contact to a minimum since I moved back to town 2 weeks ago. Moved back to share custody of our 3 1/2 year old son, because of him there has to be some contact ( I would prefer none, but not possible). My sons mother has now started calling me at least daily to yell at me about money or how I am fathering my son incorrectly. Anything that happens to him now from nightmares to problems at daycare is my fault. She then will claim she is not trying to fight and will then try to be my friend. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that we are no longer friends. Too much damage has been done for us to simply chat. When we exchange our son she claims I am being ugly because I don't want to hang out. I dont understand why she still needs to try and pull my strings and be part of my life. She is the one who wanted something else, so go and enjoy. If there is an emergency ok but the rest needs to stop. I have to heal. Another foreign concept to her.I hope my rambling makes some sense.
Re: If I remember, you left me. inebr: I'm not in your situation, as you can see from my posts, but that to me seems unfair and selfish of her.
I don't know how I am going to face my stbx after we are divorced. He thinks we're going to be friends.
Maybe try to look at it more as a professional relationship. Maybe try to look at her as a coworker, perhaps not your "favorite" coworker, but a person you have to deal with because of work. Cordial and communicative, but only to a certain point. Maybe be really occupied with 'things you need to do' to get out of there before she tries to pull you in.
I'm sorry not to be of more help here, but I do hope for you the best of luck in this situation.
Re: If I remember, you left me. pisces_goddess: I can relate, although I was the one that left.. ::) But your ex sounds like she is just trying to get some reaction out of you and from my experience with my ex ..they will use something with the child to try & get it. Keep standing firm.. dont talk to her only when you have too, Let her blather on about trying to say your a bad parent.. YOu know better.. she's just trying to be a b**ch.. Hang in there & try not to let her get to you (and God knows I know that is hard!) Good luck ;)
Re: If I remember, you left me. barelybreathing: Maybe the grass isn't greener?
If she was happy and truly at peace in her world and her choices she has made for herself she would have no need to weigh you down with negative grief. Happy people are in blissful la la land. They don't have a care in the world. They are happy so they want happiness all around them. Isn't that the theory? Hmmm, maybe she is not so happy?
Sounds to me that things aren't quite what she imagined them to be so she has to lash out at you. Afterall, you are the one you caused her to leave right? Afterall, it is all your fault her life is what it is today, right? Afterall, if it was not for you and your mere existence she would be "happy".....
Yeah, well, go tell it to the next sap, I have no more empathy left in me for people who leave their marriage in the arms of another and then wiggle with crazed emotional confusion thereafter......I say this hdad, continue to keep the contact down to a bare minimal......once she starts her angst, just politely say, "I gotta go."
BB
Re: If I remember, you left me. down2basics: Hi there - I consulted a friend of mine who has far more experience at this than I do and the following is what he had to say...I thought it was really sound advice, that's why I'm passing it on....
Actually, I have a mix of advice and questions. We'll start with the questions...
1) She left, but you moved? How far away were you and for how long?
2) Have you been paying child support?
3) How long has her "friend" been in the picture? Is he the reason for the split?
The advice...
1) Be Positive!!!! - I cannot stress this enough. No matter how ugly she gets, or what she says, be positive. You can stop a nasty attitude dead in it's tracks if you refuse to go along with it (trust me on this one... ). If she's questioning your parenting skills, acknowledge her concern, but tell her gently that you will do what you think is best. It sounds to me, by what little I've read here, that she's unable to let go yet and is trying to draw you in using the only thing she may feel will still work - your son.
2) Detach - You need to try and find a point where her drama is not your own. Does this mean shutting down your feelings about the situation? NO. It means that you need to try and separate yourself from the drama that is happening here. The more distance you can put there, emotionally, the better you will be able to cope with this (and I know - this is much easier said than done).
3) Act "As If" (or Fake It 'Till You Make It) - Detachment isn't going to come overnight. Hell, it took me almost 18 months, but it will eventually come. Until then, you need to act like you are detached. Some other websites call this "Acting As If", others call it "Fake It 'Till You Make It". Essentially, the concept is that the more you act detached and positive, the closer you will become to actually feeling that way. It also does wonders for minimizing the drama...
That's all for now - awaiting further clarification on my questions...
I hope this helps!!!
d2b
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