Re: New Here really need u'r support atd74: Sad,
Again I second everything that has already been said.
DO NOT feel like a failure. You cannot do this alone - it is apparent from the games your H has played that he is royally messed up and he is definitely not going to be able to be part of a team, which marriage is, when he has his own SERIOUS issues to face. From your post, it sounds like you have compromised a lot - things we all have and maybe shouldn't have. When your physical health, mental and emotional well being are threatened it's time to leave.
You are going to have to be the strong one and break this unhealthy pattern of abuse. No one deserves this type of treatment. We are all here for you whenever you need to vent, talk or are looking for direction or advice.
Remember that he left you a long time ago... don't bring yourself down with a guilt trip or try and convince yourself that he'll change. I think you know what you need to do here - focus on your father and yourself and leave this jerk in the dust.
Hang in there and stay strong...
Re: New Here really need u'r support Sad4now: thank you all so much! :-* you are a great bunch of people, it's amazing how after reading your words of encouragement i didn't feel so alone anymore. there is hope and I know there is, i suppose it was just sad to finally realise my marriage was over.
all in all though you guys are all correct, i have to take care of me. I have been doing things to better myself and my sanity starting about 2 months ago and it was great but when i came back it didn't take long before i caved in and caled the ex. funny thing is that this happened about 2 weeks ago, we talked for about 4 hours! we got to gether on the weekend (nothing physical) and it was great but then the started to back away again and all i thought was 'here we go'. This time though i saw it in his eyes that our marriage was truly over, it was weird like i was having this epiphany. Anyway he ended disappearing for nearly a week and he finally sms'd yesterday just a very casual 'how u doin'. I'm don't have the energy anymore, i'm letting it be.
I think it was d4b who quoted this, when someone asked when would they know it was time to let go, the response was "when all hope in your soul is lost" this truly struck a cord with me, and it has stuck with me since. I believe i have lost all hope in my soul for this marriage, and strangely feel at peace...i think...
Re: New Here really need u'r support achingallover: Oh, Sad, as I read your post, I got goosebumps. Sweetie, I am SO SORRY you have been through what you have been through. I truly hope you are in counseling. I am concerned about how much you have sacrificed yourself for this other individual. I really am. It sounds like you have given 90% to the relationship and he has give 10% at best! I am VERY concerned about his anger. No one should have to be treated the way he treated you. Seriously, that is abuse, love. I am very concerned for your safety now. Are you safe from this man? I mean, do you think he will flip out and try to hurt you? I am very concerned with this...
Therapy is the best way to help you process what's going on and figure out why you keep going back with a guy that's abusive to you. Why you have sacrificed your own happiness for the happiness of someone else. I really recommend it.
As far as how you feel, oh, we are all either right there with you or have been there and revisit it frequently! ;) It's a horrible thing to have your marriage fall apart - but I had a therapist say to me once "the sad thing is, it takes 2 to get married but only 1 to get a divorce". This certainly rings true for me - my stbx was not abusive to me like yours is, he's just losing his mind and going through a major identity crises. Whatever the case, I think you are doing the right thing and I big time second (or 4th, whatever motion we are on...hello Paxil...) the motion that you stay with you right now. Do what you need to do. Trust yourself. You are doing everything perfectly. Really go inside right now and consider what you want - where you stand - what will make you happy. Just cause he "wants you back" doesn't mean you have to go. You need to figure out if you want him back and UNDER WHAT CONDITIONS! You cannot continue to be with someone who is abusive. If I were in your shoes, I'd neve even consider going back unless I knew he was getting some serious anger management - group thereapy classes or personal therapy. No way. It's dangerous. Listen to yourself - ask yourself what you want and trust yourself that you know - becuase YOU DO!!! Believe it or not, you know better than me, your h, or anyone else who tries to TELL you what to do. You know - trust you.
Please use the board. Amazing people here. Amazing stories. Amazing insight. Amazing support. It's been a godsend for me at this time. I hope you will allow everyone to help you through this, as we most definatley will do our best! :D
Big Cyber Hugs, Sad.
Steph
Re: New Here really need u'r support indigo: I finally feel like I have found a place and someone who knows how I feel right now. My H and I are going on 7 years and almost ended it before we got married and have always had fights, big ones. I have been depressed on and off and currently have so much anxiety over the stress here. I really hear what you said about knowing it in your soul. I have actually shared how I feel and my H just continues on as if nothing has changed and everything is fine. It drives me crazy that he won't take me seriously, but then again why would that surprise me. He has never valued my feelings before.
Anyway, I guess in both our positions, what is next? He won't take me seriously to leave so I don't know what to do. My mom says no matter what I shouldn't be the one to leave for several reasons but especially since he is the abusive one and the one unwillling to grow up and change. I don't know what to do but I wanted to tell you I know how you feel...just very very sad. I can't be angry anymore. I'm tired of fighting, tired of stressing, wondering and hoping. It's all gone now and now I am just plain sad.
How are things going for you?
Re: New Here really need u'r support abannedend: Hey Sad,
My STBXW hit me with a bogus RO about 8 months ago, threw me out of the house with no prior warning, accused me of horrible things, filed for divorce, bad mouthed me constantly in front of my children, plus a multitude of other things. She then took it all back, stated (in front of a judge) that she didn't mean ANY of it, and for a brief time it was business as usual. After I realized that nothing had changed, and the trust could not be rebuilt, I finally filed for divorce. Sure, I feel badly about what I know I had to do, but I will always be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I gave it a fighting chance.
Sad, I know exactly how you feel because our situations are similar. Someday you will be able to look back at this and know that you did the right thing, although you may not feel that way right now.
