I am just plain MAD! barelybreathing: Okay, it has been awhile since I needed to bleed and vent here.
But here goes......
Today, I took my child to go see the "Wiggles" in concert. The "Wiggles" have been an instrumental vessel in my three year old daughter's musical exposure. My X and I would spend many a night watching the Wiggles' vast collection of videos over and over again.
Okay, I was really looking forward to this. Watching my child dance and squeal. I get there and after awhile I realize that I am surrounded by traditional families. Parents. Mommies and Daddies together with their children. And if I didn't see the two parents together then I saw just the daddies with their child, which apparently is their possession weekend.
So, it creeps up on me. My X's lapse in parenting. The man who was once so much hands on and so into everything, has totally become AWOL. Here is my precious one, dancing and jumping up and down and "wiggling" along. And its just me to enjoy it.
I am so mad at him. I really am. Not for me and what he did to me personally but what he has done to this little girl. I just can't believe it. Why would he want to miss a second of her precious life. Its not like he has to deal with this wicked ex wife to get to her. I am very kind to him and very encouraging of their relationship. He gets no ranting or raving from me. So what on earth gives?
He can do whatever he wants to me, I am an adult, I can take it. But when he impacts her little world, I draw the line.
As we were leaving the arena, my daughter is holding her Uncle's hand, wearing a new "wiggles" hat that my brother-in-law bought for her. As I walked behind them watching, I just kept thinking to myself over and over, "she should be holding her daddy's hand." I wanted to cry.
I am so mad at you X, its a good thing you are two states away.
BB
Re: I am just plain MAD! Anna: Hi BB -
I'm sorry you had a hard time today. I *completely* understand where you are coming from. I don't understand how someone could make a choice that involves extended time away from his children. It is just incomprehensible to me. I do better now than I used to at things like you described.(although I couldn't hack Blues Clues Live, because the last time we went, we went as a family) Church used to be a nightmare for me, as I watched all the families walk in together. Holidays like Christmas Eve or Easter are still difficult for me. I just so strongly feel that my children deserve better than this, although I think they are well adjusted and happy little guys. Their dad was supposed to come up and take them to the park for a few hours today. He drove in from Sturgis this morning, apparently, and was too tired to do it. They were pretty disappointed, but luckily it doesn't happen too often.
I had a mini breakdown of my own tonight though. I dropped off some clothes at my ex SIL's for her son, (we have a really good relationship) and the kids wanted to go to the park in her neighborhood. I'm always up for a good playground, so off we went. I sat there looking around, and it was EXACTLY the kind of neighborhood I would love to live in. It was the kind of neighborhood I lived in when we were married. The houses were really nice, and it had the most fabulous playground with great tennis courts and a private pool for the area. There were lots and lots of kids, and they were all polite and played together nicely -the kind of kids you want your kids to play with. Many couples strolled by, while others were happily watching their children. I was sitting there feeling a bit sorry for myself when I saw an old boyfriend from college. He was with his wife and three children, and they walked over to their beautiful house hand in hand, and I thought "This should be MY life!"
But before I could get too wrapped up in what I don't have, I started thinking about what I do have. I have a great house and a fabulous yard. I have my kids with me, and the ability to stay home with them for 2 more years. I have a loving and supportive family nearby (parents and two sisters) and a strong church family. And most of all, I have God to help and guide me, and who has given me the ability to be happy in almost any circumstance. I felt overwhelmed and ashamed for feeling that way. Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent on your thred. I just felt like talking about it, apparently. Hope you're feeling better.
Anna
Re: I am just plain MAD! DaisyGarden: I can also relate to your feelings. Last summer I BEGGED my s2bx not to reenlist back into the army! I told him to come home, divorce me, but stay in your childs life! He did it anyway, and reenlisted for another 4 years last may. He was due to come home last July. Everything my daughter has done since then I have looked at differently....looked at it the way you describe. Wouldn't s2bx get a kick out of this, or wouldn't he laugh his butt off over that. How could he walk away from her, he is missing soooo much, and can NEVER get it back.
The songs she makes up, the times we dance together in the living room, watching her at gymnastics class, ect.
Since s2bx has been in Iraq we've been communicationg through letters & a couple phone calls. I've been updating him on our daughter, and he 'seems' to feel remorse for the things he has done. But, he is in war, when he comes home it'll most likely be back to playing pool in a bar every night. And really since he reenlisted he won't even live anywhere near our child.
And as far as seeing little kids with their dad's, well, that'll tear me up everytime! :-/ We've been going to the small town fairs all around, and it's just like you describe. Families everywhere. Mom's and Dad's out with the kids. My brother-in-law has also steped up to the plate and has been great with daughter, but it's not the same.
You know when I was pregnant I remember saying to my Mom that I was afraid that after I had the baby that husband wouldn't love me as much as the baby, and that I wouldn't get any of his attention. But, when he turned his back on her, it hurt WAYYYY more then when he did it to me! :'(
What is wrong with these guys!
By the way, my little girl loves the Wiggles too! ;)
Re: I am just plain MAD! RJM: I've had lots of moments like that myself...BBQs, the zoo, the beach--I look at other families and am jealous and am reminded that my children will never have that. I feel bad for my kids, I feel bad for not having the "family" that I was so sure I would have. I feel a lot of pressure to "make up for it". Luckily, those moments are fewer and fewer...we are adjusting, as I am sure you are too.
Renee
Re: I am just plain MAD! galil: BB, :(
I have no words of inspriation at all. I cannot fathom having a child and not being part of her life.
be that as it may the word powerless comes to mind here. You are strong and your child is also. You and her both will make it through all of this with or without him being in her life.
The true measure of a man comes not from what he has but how he overcomes adversity. You are doing great and I for one am very proud of you ;D
Click More for the next page.
