You left me so confused MiamiFred: I just don’t get it. The chaos that can provide so much pleasure and pain. After nearly 60 days of no communication you called to tell me you wanted to start talking again. That perhaps you wanted to take things slow and begin again. So I let you back in my world and eventually dropped my guard. I told you some deep honest secrets that I had been holding back for many years and that affected my behavior. But I am not the only one who had something to do with this divorce. You did your share of things too. For five years I maintained the guilt of having cheated on you and never trusting myself, which in turn did not allow me to trust you as fully as I should have. But you did your share as well. And in the end, you also cheated on me, despite your defense that you were disconnected from me at that time so it doesn’t count. Not in my book. We’re even.
We’re even and we’re back at ground zero. You live your life. I live mine. That’s how it was in January and February. But now, after you spent 10 days with me in my place, in my city, in my bed, in my closet, in my car, you left me back at square one as well. It won’t take me as long to recover from square one, but I don’t want to even feel square one – the despair, the anxiety, the frustration – whenever I see you again. And you say you want to see me again, but do you really? Does my lack of trust exist that I don’t know what to believe from you anymore.
You told me you wanted to talk, then you told me you needed to be on your own, that your life had been defined by relationships according to your shrink, and so now you wanted to develop you own life. But you also said you love me, you want to take things slow with me, and that you would like to one day break down the walls you have built up against me and see if we can be together again, but for now you want no relationship. But you didn’t turn down any sex these 10 days either. Or kisses. Or romantic dinners cooked together. Or runs to the grocery store. Or driving me to work and asking me when I was getting home. Or meeting my friends and going out to dinner and bars.
You also had a date set to show up in court down here and file for the divorce. You almost thought of coming but not telling me. But maybe you wanted to be upfront and needed my approval, just like you have during this entire ordeal. Did I just get played? Did you want to be with me because of who I am or because I had access to the beach and it would make things easy when you filed? But then you would later tell me that you started feeling comfortable again around me during this week, and then later you said you didn’t know if you trusted me all the time. I can understand the trust factor – especially after I revealed what happened early in our marriage. But I did so because I felt that if we were to ever reunite, it would be on a clean slate with no regrets and no skeletons in our closet. You told me some things too, that were hard to swallow. But all of it was during the last few months of demise of our marriage and during our separation – sleeping with women, kissing a stranger at a bar, befriending others who you barely knew. But then you said you could never have sex with another man because it would be a letdown, a dissapointment, because sex is so good between us. So that is your argument for sleeping with women?
And so when I took you to the airport, after 10 days of amazing discovery and honesty and communication, you held my hand in the car, told me how great it was to visit, pointed out yet another song that reminds you of me. And at the airport you kissed me, hugged me tight and whispered in my ear that you loved me and would see me again. But later that night it arrived. The court date for dissolution of marriage is next Thursday. In one week what we had, the dreams we started, will all be over. Ended. So why do I feel as confused as you are, when I thought I was doing so good without you.
