Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? lemondrop: CPmommy - I guess what's most important is what do you think of the letter? What feelings did it invoke in you? Did it make you feel bad or blamed? Go with your gut instincts. Did it make you doubt your decision? Try to flesh these feelings out and above all - trust yourself. Sometimes even when we can't express what we are feeling, we still know when something feels right or wrong... if believing in him feels wrong then you have to trust that gut instinct.
P.S. I have to agree with Slowlearner that if he is a diagnosed alcoholic and drug user you will not get anywhere with him. On the other hand though, if those terms are being used to describe behaviors you've seen in him that you don't like, then I have seen people grow up. I have seen people take control of themselves and better themselves... and I think someone on Ojar said it best when they said something along the lines of "A person will only change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of changing"...
I'm an eternal optimist though and I'm always trying to find the good in people... if I were in your shoes I might spend the next 20 years spinning my wheels hoping he'll change... sigh... best of luck to you on this one... let us know how it's going...
Good luck CPmommy,
LD
Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? lemondrop: Browngreen said what I wanted to say but couldn't find the words for...
CPMommy - you know this guy inside and out - so I still say trust your instincts...
What I think browngreen: Basically, not all if that list applies to every person/situation, of course.
BUt I know the kind of letter you got. That is really familiar ground to me.
Want to know what I think of it?
I think you'll see this all a lot more clearly in a six months.
I think you'll understand him and why you don't know know what to make of this letter now in a little while.
I think it's a good idea to remain apart from him while he's changing. And I think that he does really love you... but I also think if he's going to succeed in getting better, it has to have nothng to do with you and has to come from him-- you have your own process to go through here, and he is obviously too weak to handle his own, let alone yours on top of it.
I say this from my own experience. I"m sorry if it sounds like I"m telling you what to do! I don't mean it that way. Like eveyrone else has said- you know him and yourself best.
BG
Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? lemondrop: "I still ask for your forgiveness and trust."
He will need to earn it... it won't be given freely this time... I don't know if he recognizes that or not though...
BTW, I think his references to your friend coming to visit are just pieces of his fear and insecurity and jealousy creeping in... he's afraid of losing you... I don't know your story very well so it could very well be that he deserves to lose you after everything he's done... I don't know really... I just hear a lot of pain in what he's writing you too... he might not be a very nice person though... it's hard to tell from just the letter...
I hope you find what you need to get through this - best wishes,
LD
Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? CPmommy: Thanks for the input, everyone. It's getting easier to see through his act. There was a time when I would've just eaten that up and thought what a BAD person I was.
He is currently attending Christian counseling (not that I have anything against that, per se). They are telling him to try and save the marriage at all costs. He is has not had any treatment for his addiction issues. He went to 3 or 4 Al-Anon meetings and now he's "cured".
He is very manipulative and controlling. Also verbally and emotionally abusive. He would never admit to any of that, though. THIS is how I know that he's not changed. And, even if he did, it wouldn't matter to me now. It's too little, too late, sad enough.
browngreen - you were dead on with that list. He is still not respecting me and my feelings - example "I can overlook your crazy emotional thoughts and feelings." Yes, dear, that's what you've been doing for 10 years. That's why we are where we are today.
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