Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? jen: CP~
From the sounds of it, this is a half @ssed attempt at taking responsibility on his part. He acknowledges some things, but puts the rest off on you.
This also seems pretty manipulative to me, which is not uncommon in recovery. Of course he wants you take him back! He is just realizing what the fallout is truly going to be. It is probably too painful for him to accept what his actions in the past are costing him right now...this is probably the truth as he sees it.
Hang in there!
and BIG hugs!
mtmo
Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? Jennicole: whoa,
what a mind f*ck cp, so sorry. he goes from talking down to you, to blaming you, to asking for your forgiveness. yuck. he doesnt deserve another chance with you, no matter how bad he is hurting!!!
IMO- you tried to get him to change, and gave him chance after chance, only for him to hurt you. you finally got your courage, (and everything else it took!) and left him, and NOW he wants to change????? throw the letter out, cause you deserve so much better!!!
Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? slowlearner: [quote author=CPmommy link=board=1;threadid=9040;start=0#msg71470 date=1111087994">
Sorry, for those of you that don't know me - he's a supposedly recovering alcoholic/drug addict that I kicked out, [/quote">
Never ever believe a drug addict, reformed or otherwise. They have learned to manipulate people in ways we couldn't even imagine. I've been taken in too many times in the past. They tell lies, whatever will get them what they want, whatever you want to hear, they will tell you.
Just my opinion, based on past experience. Please do what your heart tells you is right for you. Good luck and please take care of yourself.
Re:Whatcha think of this letter?? Shanna: [quote"> I hope that you will see the damage that is being done in the "real" world. Your fantasy will not make this better. [/quote">
This is just one big part of this letter than made it not seem true.
You know you are doing what is right...sorry he is making things so hard.
Is he changing? browngreen: Hey CP,
This letter... well. Ok, I was in a similar situation. Here is something that helped me become clear about seeing through this stage of all over the place emotions and communications.
I hope it helps you as much:
HOW TO TELL HE'S CHANGING
He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he's done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong,
and he isn't blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other
outside circumstances for his choices. He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it. He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can't
control himself. He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did
was wrong. He admits lies, he admits what he's done and is not longer making up
stories to make himself look better. He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others. He understands that recovery from abusiveness
takes a long time and he'll have to work at it for a long, long time.
He understands what his behavior has cost you. He understands fully that you
and your children have been hurt by what he's done, and the ways in which you've been hurt. He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it.
When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to
shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something's
wrong with you for feeling that way. He is sorry for what he's done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he's done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms,
choices, etc.. He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he's done to them.
He is proving to you that he understands that you're a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double
standards. He understands that you're an equal human being, and he's not superior to you. He's pulling his weight. He's respecting your
opinions, even the ones with disagree with his. He's accepting your right to be angry
with him for what he's done, and you can talk about his abuse with him. He's
respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom. He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are
able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends. He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who's there. He stops expecting sex on demand. He is taking into account how you're affected by his behavior and choices. He's stopped drinking. He's stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship. Affairs, keeping all the control over the money, etc.. He's fair with money, allowing you to have your assets in your name, a job if you want, etc.. He takes
responsibility for what he does and how it affects you and the children.
He's no longer treating you like a servant. He acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.
He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say. He will discuss with you the controlling behaviors and attitudes he's had. He listens to you, even when you're angry instead of trying to bully you or threaten you into shutting up. You are able to
express yourself, speak freely and feel safe doing so. You're able to express your anger, feelings. He accepts your right to be angry and he listens when you express it and thinks about your points, he makes an effort to understand. He listens to you without interrupting and allows your thoughts even if he doesn't agree. When you discuss his behaviors that
hurt you and the children, he takes them seriously and stops them. You can speak
and act freely without him retaliating. He's communicating without manipulation, his usual tactics to block you. If he tries to control
you, you can point it out to him and he'll stop. Accepts feedback, criticism.
He stops cutting you down and starts focusing on what's good, your strength and your abilities. He is not putting you down, trying to convince you your perception is off, that you're crazy, that you're stupid, etc.. He stops his
abuse. Completely, once and for all. He's respectful and doesn't guilt you into things or throw fits. He does not pressure you into things or out of things. He's not intimidating you, he's not threatening you. He's stopped
undermining you, and supports you instead. He is making a big effort to be non abusive.
BG
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