My screwed up story ww9111: Hello all. New to this website and was just looking around for somewhere to get thoughts out.
My story, well, it is still somewhat unfolding. The more I talk to people the more strange crap I find out.
Up front, I was no angel before I got married, but neither was my wife. When I said "I do" that part of my life was over, but things weren't the same for her.
The backstory:
Her and I met in high school, she was a freshman and I was a junior, this was fall 1993. She fell for me very hard but I just wasn't interested as I was somewhat seeing someone else. I met someone in the spring of 1994 that I dated until I graduated high school in 1995. About a month after her and I broke up my wife and I started dating for the first time.
We dated off and on for about four years before I broke things off with her for being dishonest with me. This was September 1999. On March 7, 2000, she showed up at my door and it was like nothing bad had happened. We got back together and I fell hard for her. She cheated on me twice and left both times only to come back within a month. The last time was in November 2001. Things were going good, I flew to India for work and the flew her to London to meet me in October 2002 where we got engaged, again. She hounded me for a year to set a date. I finally agreed in October 2003 and we set October 2, 2004, as our date.
The current story, what I saw:
We got married October 2, 2004. Things were great for a few weeks but then started a steady progression down hill. She was completely absorbed in playing online games and I couldn't pull her away from the computer for anything. We fought about this all the time leading to the point of us nearly separating a week before Christmas because of it.
She went to her "best friend's" place for New Years, a trip she had been planning for six months. While there something happened and she came home very, very cold to me. We went to her college orientation and she had underdressed but absolutely refused to take my jacket until she was frozen. She made reminiscent remarks about how I was a "good husband."
I confronted her the next night and things exploded. She said she wanted out and immediately started spewing vitriol at me. I tried hard for a few weeks to make things right with her by falling into the "giving her space" trap and at the end of January the truth started coming out. I filed on February 7 and asked her to leave.
The story, with as much as I know now:
Last July she talked to her friend about not wanting to get married, not that she didn't want to marry me, she said she just didn't want to be married. This confuses me a lot because I asked her at the start of August if she was sure it was what she wanted when we applied for the marriage license. Her mother and I both asked her again in the week leading up to the wedding if she was sure and she again said yes.
She was then conversing with a guy whom she was apparently interested in. About a month after the wedding she was trying to sleep with him but he wouldn't do it. Apparently she was never emotionally involved in the marriage.
On Christmas Day she cried about the card I gave her (I picked out the most sentimental card I could because I did love her and didn't want to fight anymore, and I wanted to be sure she knew how I felt) and told my sister how happy she was and how things were so good. The next night she went to visit friends and exclaimed how happy she was to be away from me.
She then flew to her "best friend's" place the next day. As best as we can tell within a day or two of getting there she started sleeping with her "best friend's" ex-husband. It's hard to tell exactly when it happened but things only add up on this timeline.
On New Year's Eve I went to a friend's house, there were about 30 people there, including my sister-in-law. When she called me to ostensibly wish me a happy new year she heard her sister's voice behind me (she was trying to hook up with the party host) and told her "best friend" that she knew I was up here "f**king her right now". Her "best friend" didn't have time to deal with that when she complained about it and so she disappeared from the house to find a bar and a one night stand.
The more that comes out the more screwed up my head gets in trying to understand things. I've almost given up trying to understand, there isn't really an explanation for it. All I need right now if for her to be able to hold together her fling for another 53 days so I can get the affidavit of consent and thus the divorce decree.
I don't want to be bitter about it, I got married with the full intent of being with her for the rest of my life, and only her.
Like I said, I'm just looking for a place to get some thoughts out as keeping them in my head tends to make me want to go crazy. :)
Re:My screwed up story riversandlakes:
Goodness gracious, buddy. I am so sorry for her. You tried so hard but she seemingly could never meet you half-way...
Re:My screwed up story soTiredOfHurting: Wow, another wounded sould finds their way to us. Welcome to Ojar, sorry you had to find us. There are parts of your story that I identify with, man I am sorry to see another soul going through this. We are here to help in any way we can. It sounds like you tried very hard, I know walking away is hard, but it may be the best thing for you.
Re:My screwed up story ww9111: Outwardly I have let it go.
But occasionally, inwardly, I want to fight hard again to have her back. I know I could do it in my heart and mind, but I don't *want* to do it. Talk about cognitive dissonance.
I know in my mind I could never be comfortable with her again and that is what keeps me from even allowing the thought to blossom.
Thank you for the support. That's what I was looking for, a few pats on the back, and a little "I know how you feel."
Re:My screwed up story soTiredOfHurting: Well, mine cheated on me and told me 8 or 9 months later. Then when checking out the PC I found an email that pointed to an email affair. Then 5 weeks after leaving me she had moved on and was dating someone that she has known for 5 years and is also in this area. So like I said, i see parts of my story in yours. And like you I would have done anything to get her back. Just not anymore. I see her for what she is now, and really don't want nothing to do with her. She has made her choices, now she can live with them. Sad part is, I would have stayed by her side until I died. I proved my love over and over and over. I have just started to realize that it was one sided.
You will be ok, we are in a process, and we are all at different points in it. We will help in anyway that we can.
