Just a letter to myself- you can skip AloneandCold: Dear self,
Well I gave in to him again. I really don't understand why I do that. I was thinking about that as he did his thing. I cannot make myself say no for an extended period because I do not have enough reason to. I am more then ninety five percent sure no other man will even want me in any way again. I suppose that would be my reason if I enjoyed these little forays even a little bit. The thing is as soon as he touches me my mind goes somewhere else. I start thinking about what to put on the next paper I have to write for school, or about what I did for the day. I think about anything but what he is doing. I am not sure if this is just an old habit or if it is the only way I can make myself go along with it. He really does disgust me. You would think since I don't react much he would just take physical cues. Then again it's not about me for him, it's more or less about getting off I think. I think I have learned to be ok with never having an emotional partner. I guess my giving in signifies I have not quite reach being ok with never again having a physical partner. Someone told me a little bit ago that I shouldn't do it with him because what if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow. Would I want to explain? I had to bit my tongue. I had to keep from telling them that they really don't get it. They do not understand that, that is not how it works for me. He is going to visit A. next week and tell her he loves her. If she reciprocates I am sure they will sleep together which gives me tons more reasons to say no. I could not be a participant in him cheating on someone the biggest one. If she does not return his affection then I have to deal with something even scarier, he can and even may now be sleeping with someone from work. The thing is he wouldn't hesitate to lie to me about it, he would never tell me. I wouldn't find out instill I received a STD type present. I know all of this in my brain and yet I give in anyway. Now he is having problems performing too, which for some reason was a huge blow to my already knocked down ego. The sick thing is even if I think he is gross I felt better knowing that at least one man wanted me, even if it is only in a sexual way. I have to get my head on straight somehow. I just have to say no. I have to learn self respect. Even alone I have to respect myself.
Your self.
Re:Just a letter to myself- you can skip lemondrop: Becominganewme,
This is just so sad. I wish I could make things better for you. I know your self-esteem is really low right now. He is taking advantage of you because he knows it too. Don't let him - for your sake - try to remind yourself that you deserve so much more than this. So much more!
One thing that keeps me from sleeping with people is the idea that I need to feel someone deep in my heart before I can feel them deep inside any other place if you know what I mean...
This man doesn't have your best interests in mind when he's using you like this... tell him "no"...
I wish for happier days for you,
Lemondrop
Re:Just a letter to myself- you can skip Dunno: I am so so sorry you are doing this to yourself hon, you ARE worth far more than you know. I am SURE there is someone out there for you, you have to BELIEVE, have faith in YOU. It may be hard for you to realize another could want you because you are allowing this slime to evade you? He is NOT thinking of you at all! He is destroying a good person, who just needs help to remember she is worth while. Don't wait for a disease or even another person to tell you who and what he is doing, get away from him, tell him NO....tell him you are choosy....not desperate. Ask yourself. if he can't tell by your acrions/non actions how you feel, doe she care at all about anyone's? You are right, it's all about getting off, get out and be happy. Huggz
