Re:Need help on this one slowlearner: [quote author=justme15 link=board=1;threadid=9070;start=0#msg71720 date=1111166954"> My question is why is he being so selfish?Why can't he just give me time and space.[/quote">
Hi just me, please don't think I'm being harsh, I truly sympathise with you in this position but I want to tell you my thoughts on your question.
It's not up to him to give you time and space. It's up to you to take it for yourself. It would be self-defeating for him to set your boundaries for you, and you are allowing him to do this at the moment. Be honest with yourself, think about what you need for yourself, then take it. This is not about being selfish, either by you or him. This is you taking care of you.
Best wishes justme, I know you have the strength inside you to make the right choices.
SL
Re:Need help on this one riversandlakes: [quote author=justme15 link=board=1;threadid=9070;start=0#msg71720 date=1111166954">
I moved away to give him, me and the kids some space and time to think and heal some. Up till Jan. we did everything a married couple does even when Separted.
Now he says he wants to stay this way for while longer then we should think about divorce. Well I tried to talk to him and find out things. He says now he is tried of hearing somethings over and over again. So I say maybe till we are in the same house and state together. We should have no contact. No emails or phone calls nothing. He says that is not what I want. I want to talk and be friends. yeah right
Anyway after telling him this he will call after the kids are gone for school. And want to tell me what he is doing and want to know everything that is going on here. I have tried to explain again and again I need this time for thinking and getting things together for me and the kids. He still calls and emails.
My question is why is he being so selfish? Why can't he just give me time and space. I have giving him what he wanted is what I am asking so much.................don't understand
Any help would be great..........I thank you ahead of time
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My 2 cents:
Darling, being a spectator, it is difficult to see how bad is communication breakdown is between you.
You said you moved out to give everyone time and space to think. Perhaps he is being afraid to lose you. I was, when she said the same thing, but now I know she didn't actually mean it. How was I to give space and time when she is always hanging around the OM?
You sound like you do, but perhaps he is fearing the worst.
Unlike the other posts, we are seeing from the one who asked "for space and time". Your other half is tired and giving up, which happens after, well, he gets tired. Dear, then you say you tried to talk to him? :-\ :-\ :'(
Communication breakdown. How do you propose to "getting things together for me and the kids" by staying away with the berlin wall?
Communicate, please, before it becomes too little, too late.
Re:Need help on this one justme15: Yes I left, but there was him in my ear always asking me to. Yes I love this man with all my heart and soul. I needed to take time for myself and the kids also. I tried for months before I left and tring to talk to him and get close to him again. I even tried and still do to talk to him and get close to him. It was only a week or so ago that I ask to break contact so I could get a clear head to start trying again. How can you do that when he never comes home or when he doesn't want to talk to you or the kids. I miss him and would go back in a heartbeat but this is how he wants it for now. For us to stay here and him there. You cann't make someone love you or try when they don't want to. I am tring to do what I think is best for everyone. He is not the man I know and love he needs the help now and have tried to get him to do just that.
You know it is getting bad when you or he calls and the kids can hear him yelling at you because you are tring to work on things. Even worse when he starts yelling at them for wanting to know why he won't. I am at the point I don't know what to do but I will not give up on him because I do love him and know what kind of man he truely is and was. By the way he is military and the job he has Drill sgt. changed him and I don't know how to get him back from all that.
Re:Need help on this one snowyheart: Hey justme,
By taking time apart I personally think two things can happen to a marriage. One, the lovers involved realize certain areas of their lives that need work and both come back together stronger than before.
Two, one or both of the lovers involved become extremely defensive and put up a front as though they do not need the other and doing fine without them, basically just playing games. If number two happens it will only get worse, believe me. That is why I say go back and work on the situation with your husband, together. So at least he knows that you care enough about him to stay with him even though he is not being the perfect husband to you right now.
Number Two sounds like your situation.
It happens all the time. One spouse leaves, the other takes serious offence, and then puts up their front. For some spouses, leaving is the unforgivable sin. Your husband may hold this to be true.
Just my two cents. You'll be ok though. At least you both still try to talk and love each other.
Re:Need help on this one justme15: I wanted to thank everyone that posted. You all are right in everything you say. We started talking more after I left thought we were getting somewhere. I even told him all he had to do was say the word and would come running back. I made a bad choice to leave and everyone keeps telling me that. I really thought we both needed the space to try and make things right. At the time he agreed..........and thought it would help us too.
What do I know guessing not to much......after all this
Again thank you for posting
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