Re:What Have I Done? DOK: [quote"> I blame him for so much of our problems. [/quote">
Did he cheat? Drug or alcohol abuse? Physical abuse? Emotional abuse?
Even though my wife cheated on me, I now realize that that act was the culmination of a crappy, dysfunctional relationship. We were both to blame for demise of our marriage. I'm not justifying her cheating in any way - my opinion is that it was a cowardly, cruel act, and only further clouded the issues that we were facing in our relationship. It also clouded her ability to work on her own dysfunctions, because she was essentially "lost in lust" with her new paramour. She has yet to focus on her inner soul, and decide what needs fixing / changing. When things go bad, all she did was change the external inputs in her life, her inner self is still the same.
For the cheatee, it becomes almost a cathartic life change because you are stripped of everything: Self esteem, confidence, trust, love, etc. Everything has to be rebuilt from scratch, so it really becomes a chance for someone to readjust their soul center, if you will.
However, as a rule, a red flag pops up right away in my head when somebody lays all the blame for a screwed up relationship on the other person. First off, except in few rare cases, both parties of a relationship are imperfect. Usually both parties are to blame, in some part, for a relationship crash. Second, if one party places all the blame on the other party, then in that first person's mind, the onus to repair their unhealthy relationship lies wholly in their partner's court. That is unrealistic - to expect one person to bear all the responsibility for keeping a relationship healthy and alive.
If you honestly believe the relationship crash was mostly his fault, and if you do get back together, you're basically setting him up to fail. In my opinion. It's basically an unpassable test for him. Because we are all human, we are all imperfect, and we all make mistakes in our relationships with others.
However, if he really was abusive, then professional counseling would definitely be needed to repair your torn relationship.
Re:What Have I Done? riversandlakes:
Are you a psychologist? I agree with all that you said...
For me, the blame goes to her for not cherishing what we had.
She had a list to throw at me. She convinced herself of this list - one of the primary reasons was because I gave the ring on Valentine's 2004 not as an engagement ring. It was supposed to be announced to family and friends. That is something to be FIXED; not a reason to leave me?! :-\
In retrospect, in my calm mind now, which will rapidly descend into its Sea of Sorrow in a few hours' time due to fatigue, she would have done the same and come up with a different list of excuses as my fiancee - or worse, as my wife. Such is my level of distrust now, despite my hurt and wanting for her return.
I answered each and every one on how we can work together to fix this.
What I didn't know in dec2004 was she came up with a list, not for fixing, but for justifying her unfaithfulness and change of heart on a first business trip. I was devastated at her stubborn refusal to return and fix us. She was always stubborn, but I didn't know she can also be cruel. Was she still the little girl with a perfect relationship dream?
Can I still wish this little girl well? Can she reach for happiness so, so far away from maturity? :-\ :'( :'( :'(
Re:What Have I Done? Cizzler: [quote author=DOK link=board=1;threadid=9071;start=0#msg71754 date=1111173088">
Did he cheat? Drug or alcohol abuse? Physical abuse? Emotional abuse?[/quote">
He never had sex with other women, but he did develop two relationships that could have easily crossed the line. No substance abuse problems. Physically abuse - not really. Emotional abuse - most definately.
[quote"> Even though my wife cheated on me, I now realize that that act was the culmination of a crappy, dysfunctional relationship.[/quote">
I have to say our relationship had lots of issues including financial difficulties, different wants and goals, differences of opinion in regards to child rearing, waning sex life, working opposite shifts and never spending time together as a couple. Over the years I guess you could say these are some of the contributing factors to why our relationship became dysfuntional.
[quote"> We were both to blame for demise of our marriage.[/quote">
I do know that it's not all his fault. I really do. But I feel like I was the only one trying for so long. And I just reached a breaking point. And I guess that's what I blame him for. Not caring until it was too late.
[quote"> First off, except in few rare cases, both parties of a relationship are imperfect. Usually both parties are to blame, in some part, for a relationship crash. Second, if one party places all the blame on the other party, then in that first person's mind, the onus to repair their unhealthy relationship lies wholly in their partner's court. That is unrealistic - to expect one person to bear all the responsibility for keeping a relationship healthy and alive.
If you honestly believe the relationship crash was mostly his fault, and if you do get back together, you're basically setting him up to fail. [/quote">
That's the thing. I don't thing of it as his failure at all. I see it as mine. Why couldn't I make him love me? Why couldn't I keep my family together. I guess it's just a big mixed up mess. I blame him for certain things, and I blame myself for not being able to show him what I wanted and needed.
[quote"> However, if he really was abusive, then professional counseling would definitely be needed to repair your torn relationship.
[/quote">
When all of this started I begged him to go to counseling because I didn't want to call it quits without trying every possible way to save what I thought we had. And he refused. He saw it as a low point in the relationship, as all have their ups and downs.
I don't know if what bothers me is the fact that he might actually be ready to move on, or the fact that I might not be ready.
Re:What Have I Done? DOK: Based on what you've said, and by all appearances, it seems to me that he's not accepting responsibility for his own issues that caused the relationship to crash. And blaming yourself for someone else's inadequacies is destructive unto itself. I did that for the longest time - wondering what I could have done to make things better. I finally realized, that even though I was imperfect, and made 1000's of mistakes in my first marriage, I was definitely giving it 100% of what I had at the time, and I was fully committed to making the marriage succeed. My ex however, at the most, was putting in about 30% of what her capabilities would allow (IMHO) - she was just never really into our marriage. It could be because she wasn't in love with me, from the beginning, it could be that she was lazy, it could be that she was narcissistic. Who knows.
But what you need to know is this: If you gave it everything you had, and it still failed, then you can move on, bless history for what it was, and use this horribly difficult time to re-sculpture your soul.
And at some point down the road when you've sufficiently healed emotionally (and I guarantee, you'll get there), in choosing a partner - use lessons learned from your history, and try to pick somebody that is more committed to a successful relationship.
Just as it almost always is both partners making mistakes in a relationship, if both partners aren't 100% committed to making it succeed, and to weathering the storms that all relationships face (if one of the two partners is lazy, and only willing to put in 20% - 40%) - then that relationship is doomed from the get go.
As a side note, and I know this is highly judgmental of me, but when I watch Scott Peterson smirking for the camera, that's all I can think: A lazy, narcissistic, self-centered jack@ss who was too spoiled or pathologically messed up to think of anyone in this world but his own smelly self. The worst kind of partner (to an extreme). It was easier for him to kill his wife and son rather than face the emotional consequences of behaving like an adult. Geez.
IMHO.
Re:What Have I Done? allmixedup: Hey, I just wanted to return the big squeezy hug. Sounds like you could use it. :)
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